Not sure what's gotten into me. I just feel the need to blog. Puke my brain guts into the abyss.

It's been about two years since I have blogged. PS world, I had another kid.

I was about to make a new blog, because yuck, I don't even remember who I was two years ago and I don't want people to read anything from that Shannon. But then I read some of it, and I laughed and cried and realized I'm pretty much the same. Still honest and overly apologetic and care a lot what people think. The crash a burn happen right on the page as you read.

My old pastor wrote a book called Too Good To Be True. It is a quick and enjoyable read. Maybe a little heart breaking, too, in a good way. But it's funny, he mentioned how we can walk away, stop watching the news, because it's all too much to see another seventy-something people murdered. But God doesn't look away. He keeps watching and he hurts with us. That was a wonderful reminder. And actually, I wish every single human would read his book.

I had to step away from Facebook yesterday. I wish I was above anxiety, but I am not. More than the sadness and doom of the world, I worry about if people will find my posts funny or agreeable or inspiring, or if they will be offended or find my life trivial or think I'm an ignorant hippy with no clue about capitalism. These are things I think about. But if we live our lives not behind screens but right in front of each other, at least I have a better chance of explaining myself and getting to know you. I've felt misunderstood since I was born. So every word that tumbles out of me, almost like an obsessive habit, I pray that I will be shown grace. But Facebook got too heavy for me, plus I spend way too much time scrolling through nothing. How I wish I could get back the hours, especially over the last two and a half years of baby nap times, that I wasted on the Internet.

Here I am again though, behind a screen. But blogging is actually kind of like therapy for me. Like doing therapy in front of people. It's awful, but I like it too. Writing is good for my brain. Sometimes I do it on paper because I'm afraid I'll forget how to write with my hands. Being a mom is weird.

Leon's new thing is to tell me to get off the couch. He says please, so it's sweet, but makes me feel like a lazy, bad mom at the same time.

I have some relief, because even if no one reads this.... I'm just keeping my brain alive. That's all.

Winning the baby game

Oh hey. 

I'm currently rocking a small human that points and claps when he sees himself in the mirror and dances to all music, even hymns, which causes my heart to worship in ways I didn't know of before he breathed a breath. 

He says "bra bah" (brown bear) and "goga" (yoga) and mimics in general. He snuggles and man he gives the most loving pats. He helps himself to milk when I least expect it - bam, so some of my shirts are stretched out. But it's hilarious? 

What I find is that people expect a certain level of smarts from a one year old. Surely he can hold his index finger up when a total stranger asks how old he is. Oh he can't? Well the stranger's granddaughter was walking at 9 months and never crawled. 

Ok. 

It takes a lot for me to not answer questions for him. I usually wait fifteen seconds and then say "his name is leon," or "he's one" when they direct the question at him and all he can do in return is give them the biggest smile in the world. And I'm being facetious - I love that fat grin and I love that he doesn't make every stranger feel good about themselves, or maybe he does since their kid is obviously ahead of the baby game. 

A woman asked him about seven questions in a row and he had just woken up. I finally said "he's really tired. He just woke up and did not sleep well last night." She asked if it was from teething. I told her it was because of the full moon. 

Which, I actually do believe. But I love saying shit like that. I love that my perfectly wonderful little boy doesn't perfectly fit into people's comfort zones or societal norms. I love that I don't. And I don't mean it like "in your face!" Bumper sticker you suck. I mean like, man. We put so much value in being a certain way that looks like everyone else. Stop that. It's gross. Love people and the special way their brain works. Be in awe of God's work. 

But even still I find myself saying that he's sleepy or that he only says bye when he wants to, which is true. But I don't need to justify my child's performance. He's a little human, not a dog. Sit. Speak. Shake. People like that though. I think it makes them feel good for some reason. 

He's got the softest little heart. 

Babysitting the other day

Grilling outside. He's never been happier to be able to run around outside. We had some fun on the Katy trail today. He wanted to go with every stranger that walked by 😳

I'll be done now. Still working on just smiling and being, as opposed to justifying or defending. Have I said on here that my word for 2015 is silence? Well. It is. 

Thanks for reading this and still loving me. 

Kind, not defensive.

Sometimes I post stuff that I've been thinking for so long that I'm like, surely I said this on here 2 weeks ago. But I haven't posted in a while and I need some blog-therapy.

I woke up this morning (actually I planned last night) hoping to get Leon to sleep on the mattress on the floor so I could come downstairs and enjoy one uninterrupted cup of coffee and a little silence while Tyler read. I would have sat in my chair in the corner of the living room and just listened to the heater, maybe planned my day or read/prayed the morning prayer.

Leon just really loves to sleep either in the crook of my arm or just knowing that I'm right next to him. 98% of the time, I love that. So he woke and I was immediately moody and just the sound of Tyler opening the fridge pissed me off. I'm so much quieter than him, but I think it's because I work hard all day for maybe an hour to myself while Leon naps, so I won't risk waking him by being not totally quiet. It wasn't Tyler's fault that Leon woke. I just wanted to sigh and for someone to say "I'm sorry it went this way."

I hate to complain about stuff like this because it's just my life, and the normal response is for someone to tell me how to get him on a schedule or how to sleep through the night or how to eat food. And then I have to accept that I've made this choice, I just want someone to go "ah, bummer." And I have to remind myself that everyone has different goals. That's hard for me. Lately I have felt defensive, like I need to defend my parenting style or my diet. And I just have to take deeps breaths and tell myself that people aren't seeking my demise when they tell me what my child needs or what I need. They are telling me what they think. And I know far too well that I share what I think with others, not without great thought though, because I'm afraid of offending people. But it comes back down to the fact that we all have different goals and are in different life stages.

Last night I gave my ring fingertip a good chopping whilst cutting onions. It's kind of deep. So deep it didn't bleed much, but now it's just gross and I keep reopening it. I hate having cuts.

Leon fake laughs, fake coughs, and is starting to dance/jump. Like, both feet off the ground jump. It's crazy. He walks backward and sideways in a little crouch and it's freaking hilarious. He loves facetime, and he is starting to try to eat a little more. He likes Ezekiel bread, cheese, boiled carrots, grapefruit... pretty much anything I give him he will chew on and lick, and occasionally ingest.

But this morning was perfect, because after all my frustration Leon fell asleep at 8:30 (when he usually wakes up from the night), and I got on here to read my sister Amanda's blog... which was all about enjoying those little moments with your kids and I cried a whole lot, enough to make my nose hurt like I had inhaled water.

I got to enjoy 1/2 a cup of uninterrupted coffee before Leon woke from his nap, and now he's playing with a book by himself. I love watching his brain work. I'm going to watch this little boy grow up into a man. Life is so weird and beautiful.

I'm working on taking deep breaths and being kind, not defensive. Wooooooo, it's hard.

Being silly with Mimi

All he wants to do is press the button at the bottom of the phone

Just after his bday cupcake

post cupcake bath time

Sneak peek at our fall family photos

The end. 

It's been some time since I've felt like sharing. The latest in the Wheeler house:

I pick up raw milk every Saturday, and from that raw milk I've made raw butter and raw buttermilk. I suppose I don't have to say raw butter/raw buttermilk since I told you it comes from raw milk... but I did. Tyler said, "You know we can just buy that at the store, right?" And I said, "No we can't! because stores don't carry raw butter or raw milk or raw buttermilk because it's illegal." It has made my toast so exciting. I added buttermilk to some cookies and they are amazing.

Well, Leon... We are in a fight. We are in a fight between 9pm-3am when he wakes up hourly wailing. I discovered a tooth next to his top/front/big tooth this morning. It's poked through, so I expect normal sleep patterns from here on out, and I'll be ordering some Lavender because four nights of very interrupted sleep makes me grumpy pants. But man I love this little monster boy.

He is a champ at walking now, and stands up in the middle of the room. Bends over to pick things up. It's a miracle, really. I watched him stand up from sitting on the floor and it was as miraculous as a person floating their legs up into handstand. Imagine if we put as much work into something as a little baby does into walking, or picking up things with their fingers. We'd be exhausted. We'd probably sleep really well, unless we were also getting teeth while exerting that type of effort.

We had the house painted. Tyler and I got into a fight about light fixtures. Actually light fixtures was just the veil over our fight about how we make decisions. Tyler says it's up to me, and then I make a decision that he hates and he says no. Then he says "Let's just do nothing," and I yell at him. Shortly after an extended silence and mad faces, he said, "Well. Wanna stay married?"

A friend recommended a book called Let Your Life Speak by Parker J. Palmer and it's been very good. He talks about being true to your nature, and how if you choose to not be authentic, you're actually not loving those around you, including yourself. I need to hear that every once in a while. God made us beautifully.

A quote from the book... of a quote from Florida Scott Maxwell - "You need only claim the events of your life to make yourself yours. When you truly possess all you have been and done... you are fierce with reality." It was very humbling to read that.

Well, I'm off to clean the humidifiers. Oh, here are some pictures.

I got my hair done. She darkened it, trimmed it, and wanded it. 

The toy box/pantry. 

Leon loves Tyler so much. 

Sometime we take a break midway between diaper changes. 

Well, hello. Feeling the need to puke thoughts all over you this morning. I started The Conscious Cleanse, the book and the actual cleanse. Feeling quite nice.

The conscious cleanse is a two week cleanse, but its full of grace. If you slip up, that's ok, just keep going. I used to mess up and then throw in the towel. Starting Monday, I gave up dairy, gluten, caffeine, alcohol, sugar, and meat. The first day my belly was sticking out because my body was like "AH, all the raw food!" but it leveled off. I've been drinking lots of tea and warm water. Yesterday I felt like I wasn't making much milk for Leon, so I drank a beer last night, and I savored every sip. This morning I decided to have a cup of coffee. Not out of dire need, but I just chose to. I haven't had coffee in three days. I make my own rules, and man, do I obey them and change them if need be. :)

I truly eat all day long. Fruits and vegetables.

Anyway, I was thinking yesterday as I sat on the floor with Leon, unshowered and unbrushed, about how I utilize my time. Sometimes I think to myself, "I should be a master of everything because I'm a stay at home mom! I should be the best yogi and I should be able to do a pull-up and I should be able to sew dresses and bake pies." And then I started to feel guilty. And then I got mad, at myself, and at society a little bit. Mostly myself though. I'm raising a thick little guy to be a sharp, good person.When I say good person, I mean someone who has empathy for others and realizes his actions impact other people. That's my hope at least. Then I realize I'm living my dream. This is what I've always wanted. I'm living other people's dream too. People who want babies, people who wish they could stay home with their babies. So I'm gonna keep living it and continue to tell myself that raising a good person is enough, and that I don't necessarily have to be a DIYer or a professional blogger in order to be deemed a useful individual worthy of living.

I also just started the book All is Grace by Brennan Manning. It's his memoir.

I think I'm going to dye my hair a little bit. I did it five years ago, but I went to a professional and it didn't look great. Faded quickly, looked greenish gray brown. I'm going to get the henna dye from Lush and have a friend help me do it. I'm just bored.

I started this post this morning, but now it's 2:50 and, let me tell you, I got super moody ths afternoon. Tyler had the stroller and the ergo in his car, which left me in a shit spot when I wanted to get out of the house after it rained all morning. Things didn't go my way and I wanted a chicken sandwich in a bad way. That's a rule I won't break though. I'm okay now. I'm a little more determined to really do this cleanse, even though I have cheated a couple of times. I'm four days in. Probably the best I've done yet.

This is memory making weather.

Stories and Reasons for things

Here's a story. Leon loves trash can pedals. He plays with them for quite some time. No need to hover over him and make sure of his safety. Pedals are safe, right?! Ok, well, he is fast and I didn't see him crawl to the stairs. I was in the other room in a place where I could see him... distracted by, none other than, Facebook himself.

Several minutes go by, I still hear, what I think is, banging on the trash can. Then I hear tumble, tumble, tumble. Yeah, probably three tumbles, maybe just one, or possibly two. I don't know. I sprinted into the kitchen to see no baby by the trash can and for that split second I'm thinking all kinds of thoughts. Aliens, magic. Where is my baby. On the floor at the base of the stairs is where he was. The horror. I scoop him up, he's crying. And like a horrified, panicked mother who can hardly cry out words I cry, o'er and o'er, "I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE ON THE STAIRS! I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE ON THE STAIRS! I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE ON THE STAIRS! I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE ON THE STAIRS!" And that went on for some time, as I rocked my sad baby the way an insane woman would rock in the corner of an asylum. He was fine. Very quickly he was fine. Not a mark on him, and I said lots of thankful prayers. I nursed him back to health and he napped.

Here are some reasons for deactivating my facebook. It had, ultimately, nothing to do with anyone else besides myself. But to be so sucked into coming up with a response to someones comment that you don't see your 8 month old crawl to the stairs. Well. I don't need to continue that thought process. I had a million excuses, such as, Facebook is how I follow all the blogs/websites/see what my family is doing. That's where I communicate with my community, my church, my mom friends that I hang out with during the day (I NEED THAT), that's where I chat daily with my friend Allison. Not having Facebook would cause me to miss out on invites, on big news. People won't see Leon! This happened last time I deactivated. I made so many excuses until in one minute I just decided and did it. So that's what I did. I know people will so miss my posts about shit that's in your food, or why you should do this or that. How will they live? Will they be okay? Will they miss me? And to answer those questions, people won't know I'm gone.

Facebook starts out great. It does. I made friends there I wouldn't know otherwise. But it's not real. I wrote a post while back about this, but couldn't bring myself to post it for fear it would suggest that all facebookers are in the wrong. I'm not suggesting that. For me, I'm just bothered by how easily you can unfriend or hide and just not deal with things (that you normally wouldn't have to deal with in real life, or if you did you would deal with them differently). Or that people who don't speak to me in public will want to get into a debate about something via my wall. That's interesting. There are a lot of ways to look at it, and I'm certainly guilty of doing all the bad things on my Facebook List of Bad Things. But it occurred to me that the more social media and less true interaction with people, with nature, with Real Life, the less empathy I have. The more judgy I am. The less time I spend watching my boy do the most miraculous things, like rub his eyes and chew on a book.

So I did it, and let me tell you that it's liberating. It is. If you've thought about it, I can't choose the right moment for you, but let me encourage you to just do it. And actually, Facebook asked me why I was deactivating. I wrote, "You are ruining the world." I hope that gave an employee of Facebook a good laugh. I laughed when I typed it.

Now when I hop on the computer, I'm off in about five minutes, as opposed to perhaps an entire nap time of waste. When your husband comes home from work and asks about your day and your response is mostly Facebook news... it's time.

Alright. I'll be done now.

but then there's grace

This morning Leon and I went outside as soon as Tyler left for work. It's so glorious. I brought a basket of toys, my coffee, a sketch book, and my jar of sharpies that I just invested in. And Charlotte.

I had about four minutes and 37 seconds to make a list while Leon chewed on Sharpies. I think I'll just glue them shut and let him have them. As if I'm going to draw anyway. However, it is on my List.

My other list. Not the list I made today. The one I made today had to do with blogging, because on my other list of Things I Would Like To Do, I wrote "blog purposefully." What better way to do that than to make another list specifically about blogging purposefully.

I usually get on here and haphazardly (I love using that word - it makes me feel likeI have actually experienced enough life to throw it out there and people will be like, "Oh, wow, she's experienced life. She can use the word haphazardly) spew my emotional stuff and work through things as I type. Sometimes I leave it open where my brain hasn't finished processing and it leaves everyone on a very ugly note, but that just happens to be where my heart is at the moment (most moments).

The fact is that if everything doesn't end with "but then there's grace," then yuck. Wretch. So here is my apology to you, my Sisters with a big s, and my actual brother (the only man that reads this blog). I am sorry if I have hurt you with my black and white tips for "living fully" and left you out or made you feel badly. All I ever want is to share stuff I love that's working for me, but then I share as if it will save all of mankind because I think it will save me sometimes. Yes, in fact, Oil Pulling will save you. Cure your ails, make you skin tags fall of and make your baby stop crying and give you a good poop (this is a lie).

Tyler and I have some money left over from his car accident because we bought a cheap honda. We were discussing some things we'd like to get/do (go on a Costco splurge and buy ALL THE NUTS) and I mentioned a few "health" items I'd like to look into (water filter, glass containers). Wherever you stand, it doesn't matter. I was in the wrong because my heart wants to eco-friendlify, clean, purify, every part of our life, because hopefully THEN, then we will live to be 120 and never get ear infections and people will see us and say "How do you do it?!" and I'll say "Oh, we use glass containers instead of plastic to store our food," and BAM. We made it (our friends use glass containers and they are pretty and I wanna be like my friends).

I acknowledge to you that I am a psychopath and I find my worth in, and I idolize, being healthy, and I think everyone should have the same convictions as me. I also judge people harshly, at least in my mind, if not outright for all the world to see, for making choices that I don't agree with. And then, as I watch my addiction to being healthy spiral in the horror film of my mind, I see myself at the point of living off the grid to get away from all the bad stuff, including people, sleeping in a faraday bed, and I'm healthy but I am lonely because I have alienated every person. I'll never forget reading Into The Wild, and at the end of the book he carved into the table "happiness only real when shared." Maybe he wrote it. I don't remember. Maybe it's cheesy to hold onto that quote, but I did.

So there's that.

But then there's grace. Don't forget it, and I'll try to remember too. And we can remind each other.

Also on my list of Things I Would Like To Do:
Learn to weave
Plant a garden
Put a Free Little Library in my yard