I spent my evening running a trail with Tyler and Charlotte. It was awesome. Then we made a green smoothie for dinner, because we ate a boatload of freaking pork for lunch. Sick. I'm so done with meat. It grosses me out.

Char is laying next to me on the couch chewing on an old quilt. Tyler is watching Heat vs. Thunder.

I just read on my facebook that another one of my friends doesn't believe in God anymore. Deep sadness. I've been praying more lately... and the more I pray, the more I realize I need to pray even more.

I think I want to be a runner again. After running tonight, I have no desire to drink a beer or eat badly. Yoga is great, but real cardio does something for me. I wouldn't call yoga a true cardio workout... unless you do like a painful amount of sun salutations. It's just not the same as running through a trail and dodging tree branches and jumping over rocks and hobos. Yeah, I'll never go by myself because that'll be the one time I come across hobos doing a drug deal and I'll be shot and thrown into the abyss of the MO River.

When I have come up with scenarios like this in the past, people have said... "You think stuff like this all the time, don't you?" Yes, yes I do. Water will drown you, tornadoes will suck you up, and people will murder you. I'm surprised I have so much fun. I'm thankful I don't have as much anxiety as I used to. God is good.

I'm going to read The Neverending Story now.

Rough week

I've decided to move on from my last post's sadness. I won't mention it again. I've said all I can and need to. I'm sure my sadness will slowly go away. I will stop crying in the shower, and on my way home from work, and before bed. And I will take enough Melatonin to make me fall asleep so I don't toss and turn wondering about if I had made a different choice. I'll eat more than coffee. I'll live like God is good and has a plan so much better than mine.

But, I will say this. I gave Tyler this example of my guilt/sadness. It feels like when you're dating someone, you get along well, you enjoy each other's company for the most part... but you just can't see yourself marrying the person. So you fire them, and they are crushed, and you just feel really really bad, while knowing that you couldn't/wouldn't have had it any other way. I know I made the right choice. I'm just praying that God works in his life and that one day he'll look back and see purpose in all this shit. If you don't know what I'm talking about then you'll just have to read the previous post. And for some reason I can only relate firing someone with dating them, but it wasn't that way in the least.

K, I'm done.

Tyler took me to Trailhead for dinner. Our awesome bartender named Andy had his last nigh tonight. I got a nice long hair embedded into the cheese on my nachos, and it wasn't mine. He gave us everything on the house. We left a fat-ish tip, because we love him. It's always good when someone moves on in the world, from bar tender to web-designer. We'll miss him.

We're home now. Tyler is playing Indelible Grace and Char Girl is staring out the window and bumping the blind strings with her face, licking them occasionally.

Our plants are growing well now.

And all of these things, I wouldn't trade them for a million stars.

God is good, always.

Tomorrow we're going to the Wheeler's for lunch for Father's Day. It will be good.

Goodnight.

I fired someone today

It was my Assistant Manager. We had worked together for a year and a half. I slept horribly Tuesday night, thought about it all day Wednesday on my day off, slept horribly Wednesday night... and then came this morning when it all went down. Oh, don't feel bad for me. I have a job, and my guilt will go away probably never... I just hope I can go get my brain erased. I'll re-meet all of you guys and love you just the same, minus the guilt I have now for taking the job of a 30-year-old man with two car payments, a mortgage, a wife, and baby on the way.

But, last night while I wasn't sleeping and my brain and heart were racing, I rolled over and pecked Tyler on the shoulder. I thought he woke up, but I found out this morning that what he said to me after the peck on the shoulder was all in his sleep. It went like this: "BABE... you're my best friend in the whole wide world and I wouldn't trade you for a million stars..." like a 7-year-old. It was so cute that I died laughing and said, "Well, I'd probably trade you for a unicorn." He said, "I think I'd trade you just for a quadricorn." Then I laughed more and he asked me to stop laughing because he was being serious.

He likes me so much, but mostly just in his sleep when he reverts to being a kid with a crush. I also mentioned to him that he couldn't do anything with a million stars and that they would burn him.

Anyway. Letting my Assistant Manager go was probably the hardest thing I've ever done. Truly. And maybe that's disappointing that I can't think of anything else harder than this instance, but I can't. I had managers telling me that I made the right decision, and just oodles and oodles of support and sweetness coming my way. One manager even told me she loved me. So I have support from 12 people, and I will be a sore spot for one person for the rest of his life. I just sobbed so hard after he left the store and I was alone in my office.

However, I have been praying for people at work who aren't Christians. Each time I pray for them I think to myself, "I'm praying for them to need Jesus, which requires a realization that they can't do it themselves, which usually means hitting rock bottom... which I do not want to happen to someone at work." So, maybe this will be the rock bottom. Maybe, somehow.... I don't know. Please pray for him though.

I will certainly be crying myself to sleep tonight. I cried on my way home today. About every half hour I remember his hurt face of shock and sadness and it cuts me to the quick, and I think about the magnitude of my decision... but I know it was the right one.

This feeling is kind of like someone died. Only time will heal my sadness, but I will be reminded of it periodically.

Praying for Tiffany and Rosalie tonight. My heart just feels heavy for a little girl I never met and a girl I haven't talked to since we were nine or twelve or something. I never knew her as a mom and I never knew her as a Christian. I'm thankful for her prayers and her trust in Jesus, and I'm praying for a miracle tonight too. If you haven't seen or heard, Rosalie is a two-year-old girl who nearly drowned. The doctors say there is nothing they can do for her. There is a facebook group called Please Pray for Rosalie with nearly 18,000 members (right now, but the number goes up every day) praying all over the place. Say a prayer for her.

A lady that scared me

The other night we went with our friends to Lyon's for some custard. We sat by the road and ate our ice cream. Down the sidewalk in the shadows in front of the St. Charles Library was this hunched over woman walking back and forth in high heels and a dress with about 6 bags, some big, some small, paper, grocery, reusable, etc. She just kept moving them around.

As we left to go home we decided to ask her if she was okay, because she was just acting odd. Tyler stopped the car and as I shouted from the window a plane flew over and we couldn't hear each other. So I got out of the car... as I approached her I just felt like I was asking someone a question like no big deal, but when I got up close to her I was filled with terror. Her eyes were just empty in an "I'm Crazy" way. Much like our neighbor friend Lisa, whom I think scarred me. Anyway... I said, "Are you okay? Do you need anything?" and she said in a high pitched, soft, weak voice, "Oh.. um.. I'm sorry.. um, I have a muscle disorder and I forgot to take my medicine and my ride never showed up... um, do you want this Gatorade? It's so heavy and I'm tired of carrying it. It hasn't been opened of course!" I told her I didn't. She asked for a ride across the street. Literally, it would be like getting in your car to drive to the neighbors driveway across from your house. Probably just as much walking as she'd being doing in a circle moving her bags all around. Either way, that grocery store was closed so I said, "IGA is closed. Maybe you could walk to Lyon's and ask to use their phone...?" She goes, "OH! That's LYONS?" (with emphasis, but still in a creepy quiet voice). Then she handed me a paper grocery bag and asked me to throw it away. "It's clean!" she said. So I threw the bag away for her. Something was in it. Hopefully not a baby kitten.

I went to the window of Lyon's and told them she was on her way... the guy seemed really annoyed and I'm not sure if she actually ended up using the phone. This lady was probably in her 40s, short bleach blonde hair, dressed nice. But she definitely wasn't all there, and it terrified me.

That's the end of my story. I need to learn to ask better questions, like "Who is your ride?" and "Where are you going?" I think I'm done giving people rides that I don't know, but still... I feel terrified when I think I might be getting manipulated. Golly. So weird. I had to distract myself before bed so I could sleep.

I'm not at the Bon Iver concert

Nor am I in Tulsa. The Staves are opening for Bon Iver. My heart is unsettled a bit...

But, tonight I went for a walk with Tyler and we stopped at Charlotte's dad's house. Mac is her dad (he is a dog) and Charlotte's Great Grandma (she is a human named Janet) is very sweet. Her husband passed away a few months ago. His name was Sunny, and he was a silly old man. She talked about him a bit tonight and she described him as "a weird person," who would wake her up in the middle of the night with "something ignorant" to say, or a joke. She said it with a smile, like when you love someone even though they're crazy and frustrating.

Last time I saw Sunny before he died, he offered me some pizza rolls. First of all, I would never accept a pizza roll from an old dying man (if a nail polish was named after him it would be called Death Yellow). I told him I wasn't hungry and he said in an old scratchy voice, "Youuu... yer fulla shit... but I love ya."

From Janet's house, we walked to our friend Amanda and Doug's house. Their family was over. Amanda's little niece blew bubbles in Charlotte's mouth and would yell "Sharla! Eat the Bubbles!... Sheila! Eat the Bubbles!"

We walked home and talked about cannibalism and what it would taste like to eat people meat. Bath salts mess with your brain. Just breathe oxygen and eat pork. If I did get half eaten, I wouldn't want to live through it.

I wanted to run the Eco Park trail yesterday, but I was afraid I'd get et by some cannibal. So I waited and took Tyler with me. I love my new trail shoes, but I hate cannibals.

Anyway. Oh, we got Little Mickey's BBQ too, and ate it by the river with some Negra Modelo. We saw a couple on the other side of the River and Tyler said, "I wonder if they have a Katy Trail over there." And then I thought maybe they were like our alternate people and quietly yelled, "Hey!... is your name Tyler?!" Like some kind of LOST madness.

I'm excited for Sunday. I'm thankful for the Sabbath.

 

Blogs that are better than mine

Do yourself a favor and read this birth story. I laughed and cried and freaked out a little bit. It's the post before the latest post. Also, this lovely couple definitely used the girl name that Tyler and I chose seven years ago. No, we shouldn't have had a baby name picked out as juniors in high school. But we did. Gross. Also, seven years ago yesterday was our first kiss. No, we shouldn't have been kissing as juniors in high school. But we did.

Gross.

Also, this blog post will make you cry. If you haven't met Kaleb, I wish you could. I don't know him well, but what I have known of him since he was a little pre schooler is that he is hilarious and precious and so grown up for his age. He has to be a little more grown up, living with CF. He is awesome and so is his mom.

Today is my day off. This morning I went to a book study for The Reason for God. I started to read the book when it first came out, but didn't finish it. It's all good, but it makes my brain work a lot. I want to read it because I have people in my life that choose not to believe in God, and I want to have as many answers as I can for them. Also, I want to grow. I don't want to just believe in God because I was raised that way, and that isn't the case. However, it's easy to fall back on that and not really search for answers.

I'm going to lunch with my sweet friend Allison, and I'm going shopping at Sam'swhich makes me sweaty, but I'm excited to make different food. I'm planning some meals for our lake trip next week! Holla.

I had a meeting last night for yoga teacher training. My teachers said to start thinking about the end of this year when we're done with training, and to think about our schedule, when we'd like to teach, how many classes, etc. They said they chose us not only for our practice, but for our character too, and that they wanted us to be on their team. So that was nice to hear. I'm not really sure what that will look like along with a full-time job. We'll see.

Well. I'm going to move along with my life. It's 8:30 am and I don't want to lose the day.