Well, that was dark, guys. I'm feeling better. What's that? Losing your wedding ring isn't the end of the world? I think you might be right.

Tyler still loves me. My yoga training weekend is over. I work every day this week, but short days. So I'm home early today, and it's nice. I might even nap. It's been a while.

I just ate a salad and I'm hungrier. I know it doesn't make sense, but I swear training all weekend just left a hole in my stomach.

Alisha and Leslie, thanks for your comments on the last post. I appreciate your support/input.

I want nachos.

Also, God is good. I'm learning and growing and it's hard but I'm so glad. The process is so ugly, but so necessary... and beautiful in a messy art kind of way.

I have a lot of thoughts, but I can't formulate them at the moment. Please wait anxiously.

With love, Shannon.

Well, sister-friends. Some time has passed and I've had some moments of laughter and stuff... but as soon as I am alone, it gets dark.

It isn't this way, but the evil, black swan part of me sees God saying, "Well, you want something to be sad about?" And then my wedding ring was gone. For two days I was like, "it'll appear on my windowsill or in my car cup holder." But it hasn't. The short story is that for the last year and a half I've taken my wedding ring off at yoga and put it in my shoe with my keys on top of it. Yes, occasionally I took it off by my mat, or left it on the windowsill by accident. Most of the time in my shoe though. This time I got to the truck and realized I didn't have it on and I was thinking I left it on the chair where I sit to put my shoes on after class. It wasn't there. I didn't hear it hit the floor. Everyone there was helping me look for it, and I swear not a soul there would steal a wedding ring.

So, I appreciate prayers. I love those hopeful I-found-mine-in-a-drawer-a-year-later stories. But mine is likely gone. I'm going to check pawn shops. People have told me to call the city. The frustrating part that made me cry myself to sleep last night is that it just doesn't make sense, and I can't seem to remember the details.

This isn't just the ring issue now, this is my stress/depression level. I cry at the drop of a hat. There are times when I can't breathe and I feel nauseous. The panic flutter in my chest. My jaw hurts. My face is stuck looking sad. and I'm thinking, "This again?" I thought I was done with it. My wall is getting thicker.

Last week Tyler said to me, "You're hurting God's feelings." It didn't even make sense to me. That's how far gone my narcissistic brain is. How could a piece of shit hurt God's feelings, I thought... Tyler said I live my life like Jesus didn't die for my sins. I cried very hard.

Anyhow, last night he said, "I think I'm mad at you for losing your ring." and I responded, "I know." I knew it would hit him after a day or two like it did me. I have been known to be irresponsible and to not care for things as I should. Maybe I'm too trusting of people. Yoga was the only thing I ever took my ring off for. I suppose it was irresponsible.

I don't know what to learn from this. I didn't know what to learn when Milton got hit by a car. I just know that I prayed like that Papa Prayer book said to. Of course Milton did not come home and I was so angry at that effing book, but I'm thankful for the closure I had... even though it was not cute or peaceful like I'd hoped. But we have Charlotte now. I guess I'm just looking for that closure. It's not about the money spent or the diamond. If I knew someone crushed it with their car, or that someone stole it and it's in another state now, it would be better than wondering if it was sitting in the bushes on Main Street. It's that my sweet husband picked it out four years ago and he loved it probably as much as I did. I was going to keep it until I was old and never "upgrade" because it was perfect. Then my grandson could have it for his wife and it would be an antique. Ok, so that's not as big of a deal. But we all have dreams.

So I'm wearing my purity ring. It was really brown and gross, but since I started wearing it the silver polished itself. I think I decided I will just wear this. I don't want to pick out something cool. I don't need anything else. Maybe someday when time heals our hearts or my fingers get too fat, Tyler can get me a ring that he loves and I will love it too. No diamond, just a band with my phone number engraved on the inside. 

Last night I was feeling low. So tired, feeling stressed with work and training. When I was laying next to Tyler I just hugged him like I'd die if I let go. I just love him. Sometimes he's the only person that can make me feel okay.

I was planning to get my one class a week at Southtown (where I am doing training) over with this morning at 6:30am... not because I don't like it, but it's not home and it's 45 minutes away. Driving an hour and a half for an hour long class just doesn't feel right, and then your entire morning of your day off is gone and you just want a nap when you get home. So I'm laying in bed complaining and feeling sad and Tyler says, ".... just go to Blue Bird." Sometimes I think I married a genius.

I went to class at Blue Bird this morning, and it was good. Felt like crying a few times. I'm at the brink of PMS I'm sure, but I'm not 100% sure because I never freaking keep track. I was about to ask my teacher to go to coffee with me, but I was feeling insecure, and I don't like asking her to do stuff in front of other people in class... because I think I have a complex about being a teacher's pet. Wow, I just made that connection. High school scarred me, and people are broken. Anyway, so I left, feeling mopey and dumb. But then I text messaged her and we ended up meeting for coffee. It's amazing how one little/big thing can change the course of your day. It was great coffee, and I'm so glad we got to talk. We talked about doing things with purpose, practice, babies, weird neighbors, how God does weird/awesome things to you that usually don't make sense until later.

I'm going to make Tyler some muffins and buy some sports bras. We give Charlotte old shirts sometimes to chew on, but then she thinks it's ok to chew all cloth things. Then I put on a bra and the strap just breaks like it wasn't even sewn on... then I realize it was hanging by a thread because Charlotte was bored.

Last night we were laying in bed playing with Char, and then it was sleep time so Tyler said, "Char, go to your bed," in a low, serious, but kind voice. Her eyes got low, her ears went back, and she looked very serious while taking a step back from us. He said again, "Char, go on." Then she turned and hopped down into her bed. It was probably the sweetest thing I've ever seen her do. She's just a dog, but man she struggles with being close to us (because she loves so terribly much) and being obedient. Gosh, I love her.

This gray day just needs some rain. Pray for it. We need it.

I've been trying to blog for a few days, but every time I sit down I don't feel "inspired." Truly. If I'm not feeling it, I can't post anything and I feel like I've wasted my time... and whoever is reading this.

Well, it's my day off... minus a conference call that just happens to be in the middle of the yoga class I planned to attend.

After my experience at a yoga class at The Yoga Room on Brookside in Tulsa, I have had some doubts about doing yoga teacher training. It occurred to me during the class that all yoga is connected. If I do my normal yoga here and someone goes to weird yoga somewhere else, that person is only going to connect the two and say, "What you're doing is weird. Tell me what's different between the two." My answer would be that I do yoga for health and strength, and I don't get creepy chills when I walk in the door. But really, it's all the same - just different levels of where you take it.

Last night I met with my training girls and we talked about things we were dealing with related to training. Everyone was overwhelmed with the homework. I never seem to let homework bother me, if you can imagine that. But the overwhelming part for me is seeing how what I believe about God impacts what I am learning in training. What does the Gospel say about doing a pose that's a great hip opener, but represents some goddess that people used to worship because she'd represented fertility? I just made all that up, but I'm sure it's out there. I mean, what's the big deal? Some days it's not a big deal to me. Other days I say, "Hey, Shannon. Why are you doing this?"

Well, I'd like to be able to do the splits. I'd like to be strong enough to fold forward and raise my legs up slowly into a handstand (my teacher can do that. it's amazing). But, why do I want to do that? Because it's awesome. And also, it's good for my spine, and I want to live to be old with white hair.

It boils down to health, really. Meditation is healthy, too, and the bible says to meditate. It just depends what you meditate on.

So there. Thank you for letting me come to this conclusion while I type. I had no idea what to think fifteen minutes ago. It feels right to struggle with things.

When I can't sleep, I imagine teaching a class to my sisters and mom and friends in Tulsa in a room in my house. It's a good class, and you guys love it. I'm a good teacher.

We had a sand volleyball game last night at New Town. The team we played was deaf. One of our subs is an ASL interpreter, so it worked out. She kept signing to them "I'm horrible," and "stop serving to me" and they kept laughing. It was a fun game, and we actually won.

I picked Allison up for breakfast this morning at First Watch (I got a pancake with bacon and cheddar in it) and then we went to Joann's for some fabric and dye. I'm going to make these ponytail holders that don't break your hair off, and they're cute too. My yoga teacher gave me one, and it's the only one I use. I used to lose ponytail holders left and right, but I've had this one for a few months. It's nice just having one instead of 38.

Allison and I talked about an article she read claiming that sharing your goals with people tricks your brain into thinking you've accomplished them already because of the praise one typically gets for setting the goals in the first place. I totally believe it, but I think it's good to have three people to share them with. Or just one. Or you can just blog them for the world :) Either way, she shared a goal and I said, "That's awesome... I mean, it's whatever." No praise for her!

Something I've been realizing is that I think I'm always right and that other people are stupid. Also, I am cynical. It makes me sad. I feel like it's too late to be meek and mild, because I'm already not. It's like once you cook a burger you can't make it raw again (but I guess you can throw it away and just eat vegetables). Maybe I can trick my brain. Maybe if I fake it, my brain will believe me and I'll just start thinking sweetly about everyone. I caught myself trying to "nicely" point out someone's  flawed thinking in a manipulative way. Then I kept justifying myself... until finally I had to just apologize.

I know it's not true. I don't have to fake it. Jesus is making all things new, and he can uncook my burger heart.

I'm a blessed little kid.

Ponder anew what the Almighty can do

Seems like when I get back from a trip, I move on so quickly that I never blog about what I did. Here's a short list:

Drove to Springfield, stayed with Lacy and Dustin. We went to eat, played darts, talked about Kombucha, went to bed at 1:30 am, left the next morning for Tulsa.

Drove to Tulsa to pick my brother up from the airport (surprise for the whole family) but he hitch hiked from the airport to the house instead. Swam in the pool. Drank beer. Played with nieces and nephews. Shot off fireworks. Went to a weird yoga class. Went to dinner with the fam. Spent an afternoon with Ange. Had a surprise breakfast with Amanda and her kids and hub. Spent an afternoon hanging with Al in the pool. Went shopping with my mom and got a pedicure. Swam at night. Ate Taco Bueno. Bought new earrings and a watch. Took good naps. Watched a few movies. Took my bro to the airport at 5 am (woke up at 4), drove to St. Charles, went to church, went to lunch, took a 4 hour nap.

Yesterday we made almond butter, cold brew coffee, and finished making my kombucha tea (which has to sit for another week). I also finished season two of Downton Abbey. Can't wait for season 3.

Anyhow. I guess listing off everything I did doesn't seem too exciting for you to read, which is why I never do it. But, it was a fantastic trip home.

Now I work every day this week.

Something I've noticed - when I was interning at Connections to Success, I did a lot of things that helped motivate me. I made lists, I set goals, I was encouraged by awesome speakers, I was around people that made incredible steps forward. It was just a motivating atmosphere. So now that I'm in an atmosphere where "success" is a moving target (literally, my store does something awesome and the next day it's like "do better"), I don't get to make lists very often because I'm always moving... I just don't make time to set goals for myself. I set them for the store. I spend so much time trying to get other people to have the same attitude as me that I don't get much time to work on stuff outside of work.

So this is what I realized - last Summer I set three big goals. To be a store manager, to become a yoga teacher, and to play the piano. All of these things felt pretty far away, besides the store manager thing (that happened after a month of setting the goal). But now, here I am in teacher training. So that's great... and now there is a keyboard sitting in my basement. Once teacher training is complete and I have no more homework, I'm going to spend a great deal of effort learning the piano again.

The end. Time for homework.

Yesterday on my lunch break at training, Tyler sent me a verse -


May you be strengthened with all power, according to his glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy, giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in light. He has delivered us from the domain of darkness and transferred us to the kingdom of his beloved Son, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins. (that's something to sing about, and meditate on).

(Colossians 1:11-14 ESV)

And it was very sweet. In the midst of hearing all kinds of stuff that wasn't the gospel, it was nice to be reminded. And who better than my thoughtful husband.

I'm so very excited to leave tomorrow after work to head to Tulsa. It'll be a great time. We're stopping in Springfield to see Lacy and Dustin. Ah, what a lovely week I have ahead of me. I need to find a place to practice while I'm there.

Time to pack.