Sick Day

I have a sinus infection. It's nuts. 

I went to see my chiropractor yesterday. Ever since my yoga teacher training, my sacrum slips out of place, which can tip your tailbone off to the side. Last week I went to get a prenatal massage and she spent most of the time on my hips/butt because it was hurting to sit/walk. Well, apparently the entire left side of my body (neck, spine, butt, leg) the muscles are so tight that my left leg is almost an inch shorter. CRAZY.

I'm hoping to be able to see this chiropractor every so often - getting adjustments is supposed to make labor shorter... and therefore, maybe, easier/less exhausting. 

I told my staff I was pregnant. Most of them knew anyway. One girl (who I know was told by someone else) acted like she just had a feeling I was pregnant. She said I was acting different and eating all of the mini reece's pieces. That was true, but still. 

I'm reading Spiritual Midwifery by Ina May Gaskin. I love her. I love the book. 

And I just ate a ramekin of peanut butter. 

Mexican Rice

Like many other foods, I ate this one to death and now I don't love it anymore. The one thing I think will never get old is popcicles. Pop ice? Whatever. I love it. Yeah, Al, the ones that taste like fake grapes. Baby likes fake grapes too.

We met our midwife tonight. She's awesome, and we heard a heartbeat again. The fetus is still so low and tiny, and yet, I feel like I am carrying a canteloupe. When you walk out of a Mexican restaurant, having a tummy like this is not cute. But, the salsa is so good.

Facebook. Let's talk about it. I got back on. Mostly, I just miss seeing pictures of my family. I have like seven years of pictures on facebook and nowhere else. That's a committment. It scares me not to have those anymore. Anyway, now I'm getting friend requests from people I'm not friends with. Yes, I grew up with them, but I don't want to watch their life like a tabloid, and I feel like I should do the same for them and not accept their request. But perhaps I'm looking into it too much. It's always been a struggle... balancing pleasing people and being a cynic, and then just being honest and living without too much thought on simple matters. 

Anonymous Zach, what do you have to say about it?

I'm teaching yoga four times this week. Hermm... I've learned that I have to prepare for every class. My new goal is to learn everyone's names. I'm bad at it. I found that by saying, "Hey students, I'm terrible at names. I'm working on it. I'm going to say your name during class, so correct me if I get it wrong." It helped a lot. I connected more with people. I was more myself. It's like when you acknowledge a person, they acknowledge you. It makes it more okay to sometimes confuse your rights and your lefts, or call your knees your elbows. People have a little more grace. As long as they leave class feeling known and maybe a little bit more empowered, I'm happy with it. 

Barf. I need to go to bed.

My sweet husband emailed me from work to tell me that Eisley has a new CD out on Spotify. I was watching the Today Show, but too much past 7:30 am of the Today Show is depressing. It's like, I'm watching 98 degrees perform and it's painful. I shall turn it off and listen to Eisley and blog.

I feel like the creative part of my brain is dying. It was growing when I was in yoga training, and it grew a lot in college, but now... now it's getting bad.

Yesterday I got a whiff of something and, for a split second, it took me to a scene in the book Phantastes, and I stood in my office and smiled. Books are so good for me, but I haven't found much to read lately, besides baby books. I read The Little Prince last night. I love that book.

When I open my pantry, it smells like the trailer we used to camp in when I was little. I love it. It smells like wood and bread.

I'm almost 11 weeks along, hoping that week 12 or 14 is the magical week that makes me feel better. Last night we made fish tacos, but while the fish was cooking I found a bone. It was a beautiful creation, but it disgusted me. I couldn't do it. So I didn't eat. Then an hour later I freaked out because I was starving. So Tyler made me some bread with almond butter and jelly, and I lived.

How do I spark my brain? I used to draw all the time during classes, but I don't take classes anymore, so drawing feels silly. I'm not very good anyway. I always draw the same tree with pretty branches.

I need food.

I feel like this sweet little girl.

Tyler and I just went to see Landon Mercer Brown, Tyler's sister's little boy. He was 7 lbs 6 oz and 19 inches long. What a sweetie. He's doing great, and so is Brittany.

They are out in Illinois, so on our way back we ate dinner at Square One Brewery, then took a walk around the park.

The end.

Boom. Pregnant.

I'm talking about myself.

I'm just 9.5 weeks, but I needed to break my silence. And since being pregnant is pretty much the only thing I can think about since I hate the smell of my house and I hate opening the fridge and sometimes my deodorant makes me even more nauseous and I hate left overs and I can't drink coffee because it is now utterly disgusting to me and I dry heave for 5 minutes when I brush my teeth and I burp/hiccup all the time and my mouth fills with drool like I'm about to puke, this is pretty much the only thing I can blog about. 

I'm a pretty open person anyway. It just makes sense that some of my friends/family knew as soon as I peed on the pregnancy test. "Hey, I've been pregnant for about 5 seconds, and I feel great!"

Well, fast forward a few weeks. I'm having a hard time. I just went to breakfast with a friend. She said, "How are you?" I said, "I'm okay." She said, "Are you lying?" I said, "Yes." And then I cried hard. 

I feel like the most ungrateful person ever. I have this miracle thing with webbed fingers, toes, and a spine growing inside of me. I feel like a mess. I don't even like having cuts or waking up with boogers in my nose. To feel this disgusting all the time... I am like a psychopath. My brain stopped working right away. I'm serious. That's how I knew. Plus the missed period. 

And then to go to work every day, or to teach a yoga class. I feel like I have nothing to give. I'm searching for inspiration, motivation, beauty. People are like, "You're growing a human!" and I'm like, "I'm not smart enough to do that!" And I don't know this alien yet. But I wish it would let my body be okay with coffee, because I'm sleepy and I miss pooping like I used to. Sometimes I pour a cup of coffee and just hold it, but try not to smell it. Usually at church. I'm hearing the gospel, which breaks my crusty heart, and crying because I'm selfish and ungrateful and God is so good and I just want to sip that damn cup of coffee.

Any smart people out there, can you tell me why my mouth tastes worse when I wake up now? I keep thinking I ate a spider during the night. 

Unfortunately, my blog skipped the part where I was very excited and couldn't believe it. I am still very excited, but it's masked by the exhaustion/sadness/nausea. 

There's the little monster. I love her. We're not finding out the sex, but it's a girl. 

There is a slight pooch. It's probably all the bread/oatmeal I consume. 

That's my man at the OB. When we got the ultrasound he put his finger on the screen like a little boy in awesome wonder. It was sweet. 

I always fall asleep in the Dr.'s office. They take forever. Tyler took a picture of that chart and sent it to his friends. 

Tyler is calling the baby Eugene. Not like Eugene, but EU-gene. 

calling

We talked about "calling" in our community group on Sunday. We talked about it in a vocational sense and in a broader sense. Vocationally, I feel it in my belly that I'm supposed to be a mom (not in a pregnant way). I think I'm good at being a manager because I'm bossy yet loving, but I don't want to do it forever.

In a broader sense, I have always felt the need to be honest. I have not always been honest, but I've seen and felt the healing that comes from telling the truth. Someone once told me that I was a "fixer" who always had to "fix" things. And perhaps so, but that need has grown I think, into hopefully something a little more loving.

I have learned through marriage that other people do it (marriage) differently and I'm not a marriage counselor. I'm sure I'll learn the same thing about parenting when I have kids and more of my friends have kids. I told myself at the beginning of the year that I wanted to work on deepening my relationships. I deleted my facebook, which I think has helped my relationship with my husband a bit. And I wanted to make a point of having those tough conversations with people I love rather than hoping things will blow over.

Just Sunday, I got my feelings hurt by my dear friend. I didn't want to respond immediately because I couldn't quite put my finger on why I was upset. Monday morning I shot a quick email just saying, "hey, I'm hurt by this, and I love you," and within five minutes I got a phone call. "Hey, you at work?... let me in... Let me in! I'm at the front door." I go to the front door of my store and let my friend in. We hugged and cried and said I love you. And then hugged some more.

It's too easy to sit around and stew over things, and then put that cloud of yuck around those people who you chose not to talk to about whatever the issue, and assume assume assume. It turns your heart black.

As far as the "fixer" issue goes... the other night I was sitting around a table of musicians practicing for our show next week. Concert. Show. I don't know lingo. Regardless, one of them set a pen on the table. Music was playing - guitar, drum, banjo, and trombone. The pen started to roll toward the edge of the table... I sat and stared at it, humming along, and peacefully fought (?) the strong desire to say loudly over the musical instruments "ERR!! Blaaa... yer pen!" It quietly rolled off the table, the guy leaned down to pick it up, and set it back on the table so it wouldn't roll off again. I didn't implode. Practice wasn't ruined. My mind smiled. I have control issues, if you didn't know.

Which is another reason why when people don't get enough sleep and they continue to get sick and eat unhealthily, I want to punch them in the throat. I'm a jerk.

Friday, Tyler and I are going to Sump, which is a very serious coffee shop in the city. I think it's probably similar to Double Shot, but I won't know until we go! From there, we're going to Springfield, MO to spend the weekend with the Stewarts. I'm pumped. Two more days of work.

Easter, rituals, life.

Easter was a great day. And not just because I got back on Instagram :)

Sometimes I have meaningful things to share, at least they're meaningful to me, but I'm like "Ah, it won't come out right. I'll just talk about my dogs and work and digestion."

This morning after I taught yoga, I asked a student what she did for a living. She told me, and then she said she didn't really like it. I said, "What do you want to do?" and she told me she wanted to write. We talked about writing and blogs. She said that most blogs have a purpose - like "I'm not going to go shopping for a year, read about my white, middle class life," or tell some story.

In the past I've tried separating things, like this is my life blog and then I'll have a food blog. Eventually the food blog turned into a poop blog, which then turned into a life blog. I can't separate things.

But anyway. Easter Sunday we woke up and went to the sunrise service at the river. It was beautiful. Our friend Joel lead it. We dipped toasty warm lechem into wine. He said how the women, about 2,000 years ago, were going to the tomb about that time to find that Jesus wasn't there and that His clothes were neatly folded - the first act of order after the Resurrection. It felt so historical and so meaningful. These things are real, not just myths or old stories. And the chill in the air, the clouds, the birds chirping, all of these things were real back then too.

A few days before Easter we were a part of a Seder meal. It was incredible. I got the same feeling during that meal - the feeling of being a part of a story. People have been eating this meal and drinking this wine for thousands of years. The leader would say, "Had you only rescued us from Egypt," and we would all respond "De Yanu," which means "it would have been enough." And the list went on. By the end of the meal I was overwhelmed with gratefulness and purpose. I love the idea of rituals, but I don't really have many. I think I got burned out on them growing up, perhaps (though I'm not even sure what they were), but they really do soften your heart. I totally believe that habitual actions can change your heart/mindset.

Tyler and I went to breakfast after the sunrise service, where I posted my first Instagram photo in 40 days. Big deal, I know. Sorry. We went to church at 10:30. I wore jeans, a dark purple button up, a brown cardigan, and sandals. My sweet friend said, "You look so pretty. Like Annie Hall. Have you seen that movie? She dresses like a man for the most part... in a hot way!" After that I kept my legs crossed and tried to look feminine.

Easter afternoon we played Kan Jam in the park with our friends. It was perfect. Oh, that sweet friend that called me a hot man... when we were playing Kan Jam I tossed the frisbee to her and it tapped her in the back of the head. I was so upset. Like, one time I was pushing a grocery cart and I rammed it into my dad's Achilles tendon. I hurt him, and it hurt me. So I hate hurting people on accident. It's like, "Ah! I was trying to do something else and it didn't work and now I've hurt the person I love." Anyway, she was like, "I'm fine. Not a big deal." A few minutes later she said, "Shannon, you're body language is telling me that you're really upset. Are you okay?" and I love that about her. I hadn't forgiven myself yet for throwing a frisbee at the back of her head. But she helped me do that.

I'm in a band at church called Desert Voices. I'd prefer to be called The Refuge Band, or something (my church is called Refuge Church). Anyway, we practice on Thursday nights at 8:45. That's the time I normally start finishing my chamomile tea and getting ready for bed. Regardless, we will be opening for Page CXVI when she comes to town 4/19. You should listen to her if you can. She's great.

Things at work are tougher than normal, but hopefully after our sale they will settle down and we can get things back to normal. I'm extremely short staffed, which means I just get to work more. It's hard to find decent applicants. I called a guy yesterday for an interview and when I got to his voicemail, I couldn't understand a word he said. Communication is key when you work in customer service, so I panicked. His voicemail beep happened really quick and I left a message anyway. I'm done being nice to applicants. If he comes back in and I can't understand what he's saying, I will not go through the full interview, and later use the "I went with another applicant" reason. I will stop the interview short and say, "Sir, I'm going to be honest with you. This interview is over because I am having a hard time understanding you." People need to know!

Life goes on. I'm busy. I'd like to be a little less busy at some point.

Last story. I woke up at 5 to teach yoga yesterday. I came home and fell asleep. Throughout the morning I would wake up, and then go right back to sleep. This happened until 12:56 pm, and I was supposed to go into work at 1. It takes me about 17 minutes to get there. I was so cloudy and befuddled. It was so strange.

Time to eat some cheese.