but then there's grace

This morning Leon and I went outside as soon as Tyler left for work. It's so glorious. I brought a basket of toys, my coffee, a sketch book, and my jar of sharpies that I just invested in. And Charlotte.

I had about four minutes and 37 seconds to make a list while Leon chewed on Sharpies. I think I'll just glue them shut and let him have them. As if I'm going to draw anyway. However, it is on my List.

My other list. Not the list I made today. The one I made today had to do with blogging, because on my other list of Things I Would Like To Do, I wrote "blog purposefully." What better way to do that than to make another list specifically about blogging purposefully.

I usually get on here and haphazardly (I love using that word - it makes me feel likeI have actually experienced enough life to throw it out there and people will be like, "Oh, wow, she's experienced life. She can use the word haphazardly) spew my emotional stuff and work through things as I type. Sometimes I leave it open where my brain hasn't finished processing and it leaves everyone on a very ugly note, but that just happens to be where my heart is at the moment (most moments).

The fact is that if everything doesn't end with "but then there's grace," then yuck. Wretch. So here is my apology to you, my Sisters with a big s, and my actual brother (the only man that reads this blog). I am sorry if I have hurt you with my black and white tips for "living fully" and left you out or made you feel badly. All I ever want is to share stuff I love that's working for me, but then I share as if it will save all of mankind because I think it will save me sometimes. Yes, in fact, Oil Pulling will save you. Cure your ails, make you skin tags fall of and make your baby stop crying and give you a good poop (this is a lie).

Tyler and I have some money left over from his car accident because we bought a cheap honda. We were discussing some things we'd like to get/do (go on a Costco splurge and buy ALL THE NUTS) and I mentioned a few "health" items I'd like to look into (water filter, glass containers). Wherever you stand, it doesn't matter. I was in the wrong because my heart wants to eco-friendlify, clean, purify, every part of our life, because hopefully THEN, then we will live to be 120 and never get ear infections and people will see us and say "How do you do it?!" and I'll say "Oh, we use glass containers instead of plastic to store our food," and BAM. We made it (our friends use glass containers and they are pretty and I wanna be like my friends).

I acknowledge to you that I am a psychopath and I find my worth in, and I idolize, being healthy, and I think everyone should have the same convictions as me. I also judge people harshly, at least in my mind, if not outright for all the world to see, for making choices that I don't agree with. And then, as I watch my addiction to being healthy spiral in the horror film of my mind, I see myself at the point of living off the grid to get away from all the bad stuff, including people, sleeping in a faraday bed, and I'm healthy but I am lonely because I have alienated every person. I'll never forget reading Into The Wild, and at the end of the book he carved into the table "happiness only real when shared." Maybe he wrote it. I don't remember. Maybe it's cheesy to hold onto that quote, but I did.

So there's that.

But then there's grace. Don't forget it, and I'll try to remember too. And we can remind each other.

Also on my list of Things I Would Like To Do:
Learn to weave
Plant a garden
Put a Free Little Library in my yard

Today is hard. Leon is refusing to nap, yet he is so tired and is all over me but cries whether I'm holding him or letting him play. It's not crying though, it's yelling. He has an excited yell and he has a I-want-something-I-don't-have yell.

We tried laying down. I got him to sleep for 15 minutes, which was plenty for him. Again, by the time he woke up and was yelling, snot was dripping out of my nose. So I let him get up and he's happy (and will be for about 20 minutes). He just crawled, layed down for 30 seconds, got up and now he's singing and bouncing while holding onto his highchair.

I was changing his diaper, which is nearly impossible because he arches his back and flips over, and one of the snaps came off of my diapers. At this point, I was so frustrated that I just yelled "AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" like out of anger, totally, and then he cried. And I felt like shit.

I just gave him a handout from a yoga training, because paper is so soft and yummy when it gets wet.

And I need to confess something. My post from yesterday about eating meat/not eating meat... well if you feel judged, then I don't blame you. Health isn't your savior. Well, it could be your earthly one, but you get what I'm saying. Sorry I'm kind of a jerk.

Leon needs me.

Having a wild kid. Eating vegetarian(ish). Being judgy.

Leon was the wildest boy in the nursery yesterday, and I'm not saying it like it was a competition and we won. If it were, I'd say we lost. It was embarassing. Tyler and I were working in the nursery and all the other kids were literally sitting on their butts chewing on something. They were quiet and cute. It was so weird and awesome. And Leon is like a tornado crawling back and forth between Tyler and I, yell-crying, standing at the gate and yelling. I said, "Tyler, he's 'that kid' and we're 'those parents.'"

The hard part is that he should be taking a nap during the 9am service, which is when we normally serve, and when he's home it's fine... but when other babies or lots of people are around, he's kind of a wreck. I felt bad. Maybe he's trying to tell me he's an introvert.

But when the sun hits the floor in the dining room in the morning, he crawls too it and sits in it and says "bwa bwa bwa bwa. Mamamama." It's so cute.

I have been watching documentaries, mostly to do with food, and they are convicting. I watched Vegucated, which is of course cheesy, but still good. One guy said it well - that if we knew how the animals we ate were treated, we would have to deny our own empathy in order to continue eating those animals/supporting that company. Aside from how they're treated, they are disgusting. Pumped full of medicine to kill their diseases since they are eating food that they aren't meant to eat. Crammed into places they shouldn't be crammed, getting infections that are soaked out with ammonia later. My point is, sure, enjoy meat on occasion. But you don't need it every meal, or even every day. And if you do eat it, if you are a person who is in pursuit of restoration, you should know where your food came from and how it was grown/treated. Animals and plants.... Is that extreme? Too black and white? This is a sincere sorry, but I'm also just telling you my reason for doing something. That's just what I think. You can eat meat. I guess I just encourage thoughtfulness. Not about people's feelings! About what you eat :)

I told my friend, when we were talking about yoga once, that I don't approach yoga with an oblivious mindset or one of fear that I will convert to Hinduism, but with purpose. I think we should know why we do what we do, which includes ALL THINGS. Food, parenting, our daily activities, our routine. And then thank God for grace because sometimes Five Guys sounds good, or whatever.

So anyway, I've been attempting to eat vegetarian at least through breakfast and lunch, if not dinner as well... which means feeling lighter, eating bigger servings of fruits veggies nuts and greens, and pooping more. I've realized that pooping=happiness.

This wacky weather is killing my allergies. So much snot and sneezes. I asked about ear candles on the Natural Mama's facebook page, because I was curious about them for relieving pressure in my ears/head. A lady responded, answering none of my questions about ear candles, giving me all of her advice about oils and which ones to use (as if, of course, I have the DoTerra home kit and diffuser because every Natural Mom does), which is one of the reasons why oily people have a bad name. They do. I'm sorry. I love oils. I love my friends and family who use oils. I USE THEM. But they are not the answer to every question. I also know that oils can help with allergies, but I wasn't asking about oils. At all. I wanted to know about ear candles. It's like asking what kind of stroller you should buy and someone telling you to read the Babywise book.

Anyway, sometimes you just have to get your baby to sleep and he's ALMOST THERE and maybe there is snot dripping down your face because you were out of lavender oil and the toilet paper roll is just out of reach. That just happened to me.

Woman Problems

Sometimes I read things and I get all amped like "Yeah! Nurse your baby in public!" or "No! I won't apologize for my crying child!" or "I'm a woman and I want to share my opinion!"

And then real life happens. All the things I feel strongly about... well, they shrink, and I'm just a little girl again, and who cares about little girls? Not men (this is my mind talking).

I was in a coffee shop the other day and Leon was quite boyish and wild. Then I put him in the car seat to leave and he was crying. What did I do? I apologized to a table of three blue-collar looking men that I assumed I was bothering. They seemed kind of gruff. It went against everything in me! Why did I do it? It's a crying baby. Get over it. I'm leaving. But, I did it. And they all, loudly and interrupting each other, told me not to apologize and that they all had kids and they were just glad I was getting out. What?! Thank you, men, for being different than I thought you'd be. Sorry I'm a jerk and assume that you're jerks.

I sprint back and forth between being a chest-beating woman (in my mind), and a quiet, apologizing, doormat, child-thing (in real life).

Why? I don't know. How can a person think so little of themselves and then so much of themselves in a split moment?

We had a guest speaker at church on Sunday. He was really good, and I got to stay in for the whole service. It was the first full service I've been in since Leon was born. He read/preached from the passage about Zacheus the wee little man. It was good and it was the gospel and I needed to hear it. I sang that morning, so between services (I was in the band bother services) I was with the band and the pastor and a few others. I wanted to tell him that his sermon was the first I'd heard since before my 7.5 month old baby was born, and how meaningful it was to me, and how badly I needed to hear it. But I was too scared. Cuz I'm a girl. I didn't even meet the guy. Just sat five feet from him while all the men talked.

And I over exaggerate. I did talk. But I had all these feelings.

Which just proves to me that I need to tell myself the truth more often. I am loved so much more than I can imagine, even when my heart is hard and dark and thinks that the male gender is awful. I have a sweet husband who disproves that belief all the time. We are all broken and we all need grace.

Last night we threw a blanket on the lawn, opened a bottle of $2 chuck, let Leon crawl all over us, and talked about pesticides.

I'm serious. I started the conversation with "I want to talk to you about something." Doesn't that make your stomach drop? Whoops, but at least it got his attention. Usually he just makes fun of me and I feel defeated when he grabs the cheaper, non-organic produce... and we continue to eat grapes that come in a plastic container with Flavor EXPLOSION!!! written on it and I'm thinking, yeah, my intestines are exploding as we speak.

Hear me. I wouldn't turn down food from anyone or miss up on an opportunity to love people or accept kindness from them because their food isn't organic. I've eaten pesticide ridden GMOs since I could chew.

As I have mentioned on here before, I like things the way God made them... which makes me question a whole lot about our culture. For me, it boils down to this - when people choose money over the good of others, I'm not okay with it. Business. OK, I get it. Businesses are in business to make money. I know. But what about doctors? What about the people we get our food from? Hey, I know you eat veggies to be healthy, but in order for me to grow my business and meet demand, I'm gonna throw some agent orange on there and... oh, it's just trace amounts, you'll be fine for...

Why is my gut so against trusting people that we are told we can trust? That's a real question. Feel free to inform me. I think a lot of people start out with good intentions, but eventually it's just money.

Anyway, we discussed for an hour. Several times I laughed because, how weird. A neighbor even brought a vase of black eyed susans over, so it looked like a legitimate date - wine, flowers, and a beautiful evening. OK, let's DISCUSS organic produce!

He agreed to watch Food Matters and we are both going to read Naked Economics. My request was to just buy the dirty dozen organic. His point was that even organic food is a racket. Normal greens, 7oz for $2.49. Organic greens, 5oz for $3.99. I guess our issue is where to draw the line. Do I just give up because everyone is money hungry? I told him I wanted to live in a big field with a group of people and we'd garden, I'd teach yoga, he could teach the kids math. He said we'd all starve to death.

The end.

I've talked about the book "Lying" by Sam Harris on here before. The book is great. Zach was the one who recommended it to me. Anyway, I need to read it again.

I do exaggerate, or "quote" people. Change wording. I would never let myself outright lie, and even white lies (like trying to get out of hanging out... saying you don't feel well when you actually double-booked) bother me. I'd rather just be honest, because I hold fast to certain rules. I'm a legalist, turned grace "abuser," and now flailing, rule maker/breaker, inconsistent, preaching, hypocrite. 

A little adjustment to a story to make it cooler... well, that just flows right out of me. 

Yesterday I said I wanted my breast milk to be magical (for my kid to be impressive to my Pediatrician). Her wording to me was (in a thick Indian accent) "You have very good breast milk. You have perfect baby." Now, that is not a misquote. But I told my friend that she said I had magic breast milk, which she totally did not. Maybe I wanted her to say that, maybe I mixed my blog and her up. I wasn't thinking "I'm going to tell Allison that my Ped said this, and then she will think I'm awesome." Because if your Ped uses the word magic instead of good, well, that just means you're better than everyone else, and that your ped is a loony. 

I don't think doctors use the word magic, except Dr. Oz. 

It's one thing to say you've had a million cups of coffee today. Obviously, that just means you had 4 cups. Over exaggerating is something I have to keep tabs on for myself. It comes from deep within me, the desire to be perfect, to be special, seemingly without trying.

Here is a true story. Yesterday at the Pediatrician's office, an elderly woman was across the large room, waving and smiling at me/Leon. So I walked over to her and said "I thought we would just come say hi," because old people love babies a lot. She replied, "Oh, you're lovely. You're beautiful. You're wonderful. Wonderful." and she continued on. That's all she would say. Most people just gawk at Leon and ignore me, so it really did seem as though she was talking to him. Then it was like she seemed surprised to see I was holding a baby and she said, "OH! He's cute too!" I laughed, and then my eyes watered, because the woman was very sweet and very nuts. Sadly, her husband came back over and didn't speak very kindly to her. But even if she was nuts, she was sweet. 

Then I was sitting on the floor with Leon, because sitting in the chair or standing up was absolutely freaking unacceptable, said the teething baby. An old lady walked in, she was dressed very nicely, looked down at us and her eyes bulged. She was sending a message. At that moment, I wished Leon was only wearing a diaper. Because that would have doubled our trashiness in her eyes. And I just want to be the best at everything.

It didn't phase me much, because she was my typical customer at New Balance. But I said a little prayer that God would let me get old with grace, even if it means I'm insane and waving at strangers and saying wild things and making their day. 

Ok, we're going to go outside, because it's so nice I could scream. 

PS. Leon is 71st percentile for weight (19lbs 9oz), 79th for height (28 inches), and 80th for head circumference. Healthy boy. 

So, I mentioned I'm doing that book study on Jude at the coffee shop I don't like. I told Tyler I was going to stop at Donut King and get my fave donut and take it to the coffee shop. He said I wasn't allowed. Anyway...

This morning someone was paying for their coffee and signed their name on the iPad for the credit card. When they finished they accidentally flopped the iPad screen down on the counter. The owner said, "Careful now. Nice things don't come easy to everyone." I about died laughing, and then I realized that, yes, this man is kind of an ass hole, but you get that way when you deal with all kinds of people. I am not justifying his rudeness, but maybe my heart got a little softer to this weird business owner.

Last week the question I was left with (after the bible study) was what does it look like to contend for the Gospel. Now, my initial answer, honestly, was that I don't really have to. I'm a stay at home mom. No one is threatening my right to believe whatever I want. Obviously that isn't the best answer, but it's truly how I felt. I thought about it all week and realized that not only is my view of the bible and God quite small at times, but my view of myself is so shitty. Don't get me wrong. I LOVE myself. I think I'm so funny, I think I'm right about everything, and that I'm all around pretty awesome. However, I also see myself as kind of worthless... not just as a stay at home mom, but as a woman. As a person. It's so strange how I can feel all these things about myself.

This morning someone asked what kind of coffee I was getting and I said, "I don't know, probably something girly." All things about that sentence bother me. Like that my view of myself reflects my view of women in general. That's not fair. I pretend I'm being ironic sometimes, but it's deep rooted in my insecurity and self-loathing.

This morning I was afraid to read in front of the group. Yeah, I'm still that home schooled little girl who is afraid that people will think she's dumb. Anyway, so I made myself read. And I talk. I share what I'm thinking, and usually it's just honesty about my misconception of the bible or God, or how dark my heart is, or how I don't believe I'm worth using in this Story.

I'm not sad, it's just hitting me how I hear things and say them about myself in my head and actually believe them. A lot of it is men/women things. I think reading Jesus Feminist is bringing it out of me a little more. Ah. Anyway.

Leon was a terror this morning. He's pretty good at throwing a fit when his teeth hurt. We have a pediatrician appt this morning. I'm having to fight off this odd nervousness about it. Like, I want my kid to be above average, I want my breast milk to be magical and have the healthiest kid in the world, I want her to be impressed. Jesus, help me not scar my babies. Goodness. It's not really about Leon, but my abilities as a mom to be the best. I'm praying for God to help me with that. It's ugly.

Well. I was thinking about the dumbs things I say, or the things that maybe seem too honest, or just share to much. I just say a prayer afterward that people will have grace with me. I do that every time I blog too. Wooo, it's scary.