Sunday, July 17, 2016

Not sure what's gotten into me. I just feel the need to blog. Puke my brain guts into the abyss.

It's been about two years since I have blogged. PS world, I had another kid.

I was about to make a new blog, because yuck, I don't even remember who I was two years ago and I don't want people to read anything from that Shannon. But then I read some of it, and I laughed and cried and realized I'm pretty much the same. Still honest and overly apologetic and care a lot what people think. The crash a burn happen right on the page as you read.

My old pastor wrote a book called Too Good To Be True. It is a quick and enjoyable read. Maybe a little heart breaking, too, in a good way. But it's funny, he mentioned how we can walk away, stop watching the news, because it's all too much to see another seventy-something people murdered. But God doesn't look away. He keeps watching and he hurts with us. That was a wonderful reminder. And actually, I wish every single human would read his book.

I had to step away from Facebook yesterday. I wish I was above anxiety, but I am not. More than the sadness and doom of the world, I worry about if people will find my posts funny or agreeable or inspiring, or if they will be offended or find my life trivial or think I'm an ignorant hippy with no clue about capitalism. These are things I think about. But if we live our lives not behind screens but right in front of each other, at least I have a better chance of explaining myself and getting to know you. I've felt misunderstood since I was born. So every word that tumbles out of me, almost like an obsessive habit, I pray that I will be shown grace. But Facebook got too heavy for me, plus I spend way too much time scrolling through nothing. How I wish I could get back the hours, especially over the last two and a half years of baby nap times, that I wasted on the Internet.

Here I am again though, behind a screen. But blogging is actually kind of like therapy for me. Like doing therapy in front of people. It's awful, but I like it too. Writing is good for my brain. Sometimes I do it on paper because I'm afraid I'll forget how to write with my hands. Being a mom is weird.

Leon's new thing is to tell me to get off the couch. He says please, so it's sweet, but makes me feel like a lazy, bad mom at the same time.

I have some relief, because even if no one reads this.... I'm just keeping my brain alive. That's all.