Thursday, August 30, 2012

Well, I'm back again because it's my day off. I hope you didn't miss the post before this, where I talk about my hair. It's a phenomenal read.

I went to yoga this morning. I told my teacher that it feels like someone braided my muscles together, and then knotted them. Then I changed my description to "dread-locked them." My buckwheat pillow shipped. I considered the chiropractor thing for about 7 seconds. I think a buckwheat pillow, some prayer, yoga, and walking will do me some good.

Last night I laid in one place for a few minutes and was already starting to get stiff. I remembered when I was little how I'd move to different parts of the bed and sleep better. I always loved hanging off the side of my bed in an accidental hammock of sheet, and waking up like "wow, what a magical way to accidentally sleep." So I moved to the end of the bed, and Tyler was like "You are a freak." I slept eventually... not before downloading a free yoga app and and creating a sequence.

I went to coffee with my teacher this morning. I love good conversation and happy weather. It was just gorgeous and true.

This morning we went from Trikonasana into Ardha Chandrasana, and then into Ardha Chandra Chapasana. Usually the second pose I'm floppin' all over the place and can't keep my balance and same for the third pose. However, even with my tangled muscles and my pangs, the long weekend of training birthed some fruit. It's so encouraging to see change.

This is Trikonasana - Triangle Pose. Tyler took this of me while I blocked his TV show.
hopping up into Ardha Chandrasana - Half Moon Pose
and then bending your leg, grabbing the ankle, Ardha Chandra Chapasana - Half Moon Sugar Cane pose... ? I tried to find a picture where the body was going the same direction. Oh well.

well, I don't think this worked. Anyway, I've been working on this for a while. And it's not really about tackling it, it's about heading in that direction. May sound cheesy, but it's true. 

Oh, the video did work. There. Happy Thursday.

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

I had a Management Meeting today in Washington, Missouri. It's an hour drive from St. Charles, and I always carpool with Lauren's husband Ken, the manager of another store (Tyler and I were in Lauren and Ken's wedding in March). I started to get ready and was shedding a lot of hair, so I decided that was gross and I brushed my hair. Well then it was really fine and ugly looking, so I curled one side... but then I looked really proper, so I straightened my hair and had a middle part, and then Ken was here to pick me up... so I looked like a 70's flower child with long straight blonde hair and a middle part for the meeting. I ended up putting my hair in a ponytail because with straight hair, my dreadlocks pop right out from underneath and look a little scary. Like lucky rabbit feet, right Alyson?

One of the company owners is really excited to do a Good Form Walking clinic at our stores during Customer Appreciation Week in October. She wanted someone knowledgeable on the subject and who believed in it to teach the clinic. No one really had anyone at their stores who fit the description. So... I said, "I've been pose running for a few years, which is Good Form Running with a different name... which is the same thing as Good Form Walking except you're running, and I can tell you about the benefits of running mid-foot as opposed to heel to toe. I believe in it." That's all I said, so now I'm going to teach clinics at each store during October. I don't know what got into me, but I think I'll do a good job.

That's pretty much it. I'm going to spend my evening eating pizza and watching a movie with my swollen-glands husband. I'm off work tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am going to go to yoga.. after that it's just a freaking adventure. I will drink coffee. Maybe I'll go for a run? I'll probably smile all day long. I'll probably go for a walk and practice Good Form Walking :) So I can teach it... and I'm going to listen to Beirut all day long and pretend it's Fall.

Also I ordered a buckwheat pillow...? In hopes that my neck will loosen up a bit and I can have no pain when I wake up in the morning. I'm 24 and I've got my mother's neck and weird ribs. Sometimes if I do abdominal work, I have to lay flat and push on my left rib cage and something pops in and out of place...

Alright. Love. ∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆ I just learned how to make that symbol.

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Currently, my hoosier neighbors are playing loud music and dancing in the rain in the alley. It is not pretty, but it's amusing and it's making us smile. By loud music, I mean they have amps set up in their garage. There is a live band playing and the gypsies of white trash are dancing in the street. We took pictures, but it's not the same seeing it in person.

I had teacher training all weekend. I am so tired. When I get tired I say things like, "I'm so tired I could kill a kitten," or something terrible. I don't mean it. I love kittens, almost as much as dogs. Last teacher training weekend I laid in bed at bed time and kicked my legs a few times and said "I'M SO TIRED... I HAVE RESTLESS LEG SYNDROME." So tired I couldn't sleep. My body is like... exhausted. And I do not have restless leg syndrome. I'm sorry for the people that do.

Thankfully, Alisha called me this weekend.  Sometimes I forget her because she lives 35 minutes away and our lives are totally separate, except that we used to live in the same town and we know the same people and we both love Jesus. I'm sorry, Alisha. I miss you. But she called, and she made me gluten free pancakes and coffee, with mango orange juice and vanilla bean greek yogurt... and some grapes. We talked. It's good to talk to a Kindred Spirit in the midst of being with basic strangers who believe very differently from you all weekend long. There was a point today where I started to drift to sleep as my teacher broke down back bends. My butt was asleep too. I told Alisha I was so tired I could cut my skin off. I don't even know that that means, but I just say inappropriate, violent things when I'm tired. I told my training friend I was going to punch her in the throat, joking of course, and I talked about PMS and poop too much.

Tyler and I just watched Fantastic Mr. Fox. I read that book a few months ago. In the movie they say, "What the cuss?" and "You scared the cuss out of me." It made me laugh. I should start saying cuss instead of shit. George Clooney played the fox well, almost the same character as in Oceans 11. And O, Brother Where Art Thou?

If anything, I am thankful for this yoga training because it's causing me to think. I had to think in college. I had to think when I worked at Connections. And I'm thinking now because this training is pushing me to ask why, in a good way. On Friday I got to training early, so I went to Starbucks, washed my armpits in the bathroom, and got one of those stupid coffee pops because I'm scared to drink real coffee after 4pm. I sat at a table. A guy asked if he could sit with me. I told him yes, and then got my phone out. I opened my bible app and these verses were there from Colossians 1:

15  He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation. 16 For by[a] him all things were created, in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities—all things were created through him and for him. 17 And he is before all things, and in him all things hold together.

I was thankful to be reminded of this right before my long weekend of yoga.

And then I left Starbucks, because it felt weird to sit at a table with a stranger. 

There is a lot more in my brain, but I'll let it sit there while I sleep. I'm trying not to be cynical about the things I'm learning at training. I'm learning lots of good things, but they lack foundation. Love people. That's a good thing. I can affirm that. But why love people? Because a yogi said so? My life-lens is not yoga, it's the Gospel. Yoga is just another thing that I do and see through the lens of the Gospel. Or, at least I'm trying to.

Sleepy time. I'm going to buy a buckwheat pillow tomorrow in hopes that my neck will stop cricking. 

Sunday, August 19, 2012

life is crazy

so I bought a new notebook to make me feel better. It usually does, until I draw crappily in it and get sad that I am not a good artist like my sisters. My mom is even an artist. She has handwriting like a robot trained in cursive. She is shocking with her left handed, surprising drawing skills. In church I drew a fat arm with a bracelet on it (a bracelet that I'm going to make) and Tyler commented, "That is a long neck." Then I added hair to the arm, and fingers. I have hairy arms and they are gross in Winter.

Tyler is moving stuff into our new church building. Yeah, we got a building and I'm glad. We've been a mobile church for almost 6 years.

He took me to breakfast this morning at First Watch (strong coffee), and then to Barnes and Noble where I bought the "sketchbook." He said, "No! I forbid you from buying that notebook!" because he knows how I like to stare at notebooks. It's not the idea of a blank sheet of paper, it's the idea and the false hope that I get from a new notebook that I'll fill it with my genius and feel whole. Well, I know that will not be the case. But, I do love going through my college notebooks and laughing at myself. I just recycled all of them the other day. I mostly wrote about my good poops and how much I disliked some of my professors. And how stupid every human being on the planet was. Some pages were very dark. Others were hopeful, with lists of my favorite things. Because coffee is a reason to live, and so is nice weather. Well, that's what I held onto, and maybe Jesus was in the coffee. He was somewhere, because I'm here right now.

I sat in the basement and mourned the destiny of my old, messy notebooks (a landfill, because I always think our recycling doesn't really get recycled. or... someone else's 100% recycled notebook) and thanked God for where I am now compared to where I was in college. Glad I don't smell like whiskey when I wake up anymore. Glad Tyler loves me. This morning I wore a shirt that I didn't think matched me. Didn't represent me well. It was too "cute" and my hair was messy. I wanted to change and demanded Tyler take me home after breakfast. He said, "I wish that me telling you that you look adorable was enough for you." So we went to B&N instead, where I bought the notebook.

I'm going to go get some vitamin D. God is always good.

Thursday, August 9, 2012

My ring was found. I truly believed I'd never see it, so thanks to all those people who didn't give up on it. It was just a bit after my last blog post, where I kind of "accepted" losing my wedding ring, that I heard it was found. Also, besides the losing the ring part, my world was being tossed about by general sadness and stress and being crushed and growing. So finding my ring was more like a little detail in the mess.

After my post I thought, "How funny would it be if my yoga teacher called and said she had something for me?" Then I thought I would respond to her, "Well, if it's not my wedding ring, I'm sorry if I'm not too excited." As I played out this dumb scenario in my head, my phone started ringing. It said, "Sarah Blue Bird" and I was like "WEIRD!" I answered, and Sarah said "I think I have something for you." I flipped out. At the moment we weren't sure if it was my ring because she hadn't seen it yet, only gotten a call from the sweets shop next door that they had found a ring with a band by the dumpster. I knew it was mine, but right at the moment on the phone the woman from the shop brought the ring over and gave it to Sarah. She said, "Yes, this is Shannon's. Here, I'll give you a hug from her." I couldn't cry, but I was sweating so much. It was weird, but it was a happy sweat.

Tyler and I drove to yoga all happy and excited. When Sarah gave me the ring and hugged me, I showed it to my training friend, who then hugged me, which got the attention of my other training friend who came over and hugged me, and then word spread around the class that my ring was found and everyone started clapping. That's when my eyes watered. It was so humbling to be around a bunch of people that I don't know super well, but we all have something in common and it's sweet that they all cared, and they all helped me look.

So again, the ring was just the thing that happened during my month of madness. Thankful to have it back. Had it not been returned, we would have moved on. I said it before, but God is funny. And good.

We got a nice storm last night. The lightning was magnificent. The thunder was wonderful. I slept so well. I went in the backyard for a bit to watch. It was just sweet, and made me think of all the times dad took us kids outside when the sirens went off.

My Aunt Freda lost her house in the Mannford fire. She also lost her husband to cancer a few months ago. I've been following her on facebook and I keep seeing her say, "It's just stuff." When she started to evacuate, she got what she could in her car, but her dog would not get in the car. After her house burned down and she finally got back into the neighborhood, her dog was laying where her porch used to be just waiting for her, in good condition - just dirty. Anyway, I've got a list in my head of the women who are like lionesses, or warriors. Freda is on that list, along with Cindy and Kristi. Denise. Mom, Manda, Ange, and Al. I hope to be strong one day, and depend on Jesus like they do... until then I'll have meltdowns over lost wedding rings and you lionesses can hug me and rub my back.

Charlotte is like a lioness, but in a different way (just when she stalks squirrels). This morning I was feeling ballsy, so I left her in the back yard while I went to yoga. From the time I left, I figured Tyler would be back within 15 minutes from the gym. Char hasn't jumped the fence in a good year, but I didn't know if she would think we left her if she saw both of our cars gone. The whole time during yoga I was picturing getting home to my crying husband and either disappeared or dead dog, and the months of guilt. I was stressed, started to get pissed in a certain pose, then I just told myself that for 45 minutes I would not worry about it. It worked. My dog is alive, my husband loves me even though I'm not as responsible as he is.

I'm going to read a book about managing called Hug Your People.

Monday, August 6, 2012

Well, that was dark, guys. I'm feeling better. What's that? Losing your wedding ring isn't the end of the world? I think you might be right.

Tyler still loves me. My yoga training weekend is over. I work every day this week, but short days. So I'm home early today, and it's nice. I might even nap. It's been a while.

I just ate a salad and I'm hungrier. I know it doesn't make sense, but I swear training all weekend just left a hole in my stomach.

Alisha and Leslie, thanks for your comments on the last post. I appreciate your support/input.

I want nachos.

Also, God is good. I'm learning and growing and it's hard but I'm so glad. The process is so ugly, but so necessary... and beautiful in a messy art kind of way.

I have a lot of thoughts, but I can't formulate them at the moment. Please wait anxiously.

With love, Shannon.

Friday, August 3, 2012

Well, sister-friends. Some time has passed and I've had some moments of laughter and stuff... but as soon as I am alone, it gets dark.

It isn't this way, but the evil, black swan part of me sees God saying, "Well, you want something to be sad about?" And then my wedding ring was gone. For two days I was like, "it'll appear on my windowsill or in my car cup holder." But it hasn't. The short story is that for the last year and a half I've taken my wedding ring off at yoga and put it in my shoe with my keys on top of it. Yes, occasionally I took it off by my mat, or left it on the windowsill by accident. Most of the time in my shoe though. This time I got to the truck and realized I didn't have it on and I was thinking I left it on the chair where I sit to put my shoes on after class. It wasn't there. I didn't hear it hit the floor. Everyone there was helping me look for it, and I swear not a soul there would steal a wedding ring.

So, I appreciate prayers. I love those hopeful I-found-mine-in-a-drawer-a-year-later stories. But mine is likely gone. I'm going to check pawn shops. People have told me to call the city. The frustrating part that made me cry myself to sleep last night is that it just doesn't make sense, and I can't seem to remember the details.

This isn't just the ring issue now, this is my stress/depression level. I cry at the drop of a hat. There are times when I can't breathe and I feel nauseous. The panic flutter in my chest. My jaw hurts. My face is stuck looking sad. and I'm thinking, "This again?" I thought I was done with it. My wall is getting thicker.

Last week Tyler said to me, "You're hurting God's feelings." It didn't even make sense to me. That's how far gone my narcissistic brain is. How could a piece of shit hurt God's feelings, I thought... Tyler said I live my life like Jesus didn't die for my sins. I cried very hard.

Anyhow, last night he said, "I think I'm mad at you for losing your ring." and I responded, "I know." I knew it would hit him after a day or two like it did me. I have been known to be irresponsible and to not care for things as I should. Maybe I'm too trusting of people. Yoga was the only thing I ever took my ring off for. I suppose it was irresponsible.

I don't know what to learn from this. I didn't know what to learn when Milton got hit by a car. I just know that I prayed like that Papa Prayer book said to. Of course Milton did not come home and I was so angry at that effing book, but I'm thankful for the closure I had... even though it was not cute or peaceful like I'd hoped. But we have Charlotte now. I guess I'm just looking for that closure. It's not about the money spent or the diamond. If I knew someone crushed it with their car, or that someone stole it and it's in another state now, it would be better than wondering if it was sitting in the bushes on Main Street. It's that my sweet husband picked it out four years ago and he loved it probably as much as I did. I was going to keep it until I was old and never "upgrade" because it was perfect. Then my grandson could have it for his wife and it would be an antique. Ok, so that's not as big of a deal. But we all have dreams.

So I'm wearing my purity ring. It was really brown and gross, but since I started wearing it the silver polished itself. I think I decided I will just wear this. I don't want to pick out something cool. I don't need anything else. Maybe someday when time heals our hearts or my fingers get too fat, Tyler can get me a ring that he loves and I will love it too. No diamond, just a band with my phone number engraved on the inside.