Well, sister-friends. Some time has passed and I've had some moments of laughter and stuff... but as soon as I am alone, it gets dark.
It isn't this way, but the evil, black swan part of me sees God saying, "Well, you want something to be sad about?" And then my wedding ring was gone. For two days I was like, "it'll appear on my windowsill or in my car cup holder." But it hasn't. The short story is that for the last year and a half I've taken my wedding ring off at yoga and put it in my shoe with my keys on top of it. Yes, occasionally I took it off by my mat, or left it on the windowsill by accident. Most of the time in my shoe though. This time I got to the truck and realized I didn't have it on and I was thinking I left it on the chair where I sit to put my shoes on after class. It wasn't there. I didn't hear it hit the floor. Everyone there was helping me look for it, and I swear not a soul there would steal a wedding ring.
So, I appreciate prayers. I love those hopeful I-found-mine-in-a-drawer-a-year-later stories. But mine is likely gone. I'm going to check pawn shops. People have told me to call the city. The frustrating part that made me cry myself to sleep last night is that it just doesn't make sense, and I can't seem to remember the details.
This isn't just the ring issue now, this is my stress/depression level. I cry at the drop of a hat. There are times when I can't breathe and I feel nauseous. The panic flutter in my chest. My jaw hurts. My face is stuck looking sad. and I'm thinking, "This again?" I thought I was done with it. My wall is getting thicker.
Last week Tyler said to me, "You're hurting God's feelings." It didn't even make sense to me. That's how far gone my narcissistic brain is. How could a piece of shit hurt God's feelings, I thought... Tyler said I live my life like Jesus didn't die for my sins. I cried very hard.
Anyhow, last night he said, "I think I'm mad at you for losing your ring." and I responded, "I know." I knew it would hit him after a day or two like it did me. I have been known to be irresponsible and to not care for things as I should. Maybe I'm too trusting of people. Yoga was the only thing I ever took my ring off for. I suppose it was irresponsible.
I don't know what to learn from this. I didn't know what to learn when Milton got hit by a car. I just know that I prayed like that Papa Prayer book said to. Of course Milton did not come home and I was so angry at that effing book, but I'm thankful for the closure I had... even though it was not cute or peaceful like I'd hoped. But we have Charlotte now. I guess I'm just looking for that closure. It's not about the money spent or the diamond. If I knew someone crushed it with their car, or that someone stole it and it's in another state now, it would be better than wondering if it was sitting in the bushes on Main Street. It's that my sweet husband picked it out four years ago and he loved it probably as much as I did. I was going to keep it until I was old and never "upgrade" because it was perfect. Then my grandson could have it for his wife and it would be an antique. Ok, so that's not as big of a deal. But we all have dreams.
So I'm wearing my purity ring. It was really brown and gross, but since I started wearing it the silver polished itself. I think I decided I will just wear this. I don't want to pick out something cool. I don't need anything else. Maybe someday when time heals our hearts or my fingers get too fat, Tyler can get me a ring that he loves and I will love it too. No diamond, just a band with my phone number engraved on the inside.