Thursday, July 26, 2012

Last night I was feeling low. So tired, feeling stressed with work and training. When I was laying next to Tyler I just hugged him like I'd die if I let go. I just love him. Sometimes he's the only person that can make me feel okay.

I was planning to get my one class a week at Southtown (where I am doing training) over with this morning at 6:30am... not because I don't like it, but it's not home and it's 45 minutes away. Driving an hour and a half for an hour long class just doesn't feel right, and then your entire morning of your day off is gone and you just want a nap when you get home. So I'm laying in bed complaining and feeling sad and Tyler says, ".... just go to Blue Bird." Sometimes I think I married a genius.

I went to class at Blue Bird this morning, and it was good. Felt like crying a few times. I'm at the brink of PMS I'm sure, but I'm not 100% sure because I never freaking keep track. I was about to ask my teacher to go to coffee with me, but I was feeling insecure, and I don't like asking her to do stuff in front of other people in class... because I think I have a complex about being a teacher's pet. Wow, I just made that connection. High school scarred me, and people are broken. Anyway, so I left, feeling mopey and dumb. But then I text messaged her and we ended up meeting for coffee. It's amazing how one little/big thing can change the course of your day. It was great coffee, and I'm so glad we got to talk. We talked about doing things with purpose, practice, babies, weird neighbors, how God does weird/awesome things to you that usually don't make sense until later.

I'm going to make Tyler some muffins and buy some sports bras. We give Charlotte old shirts sometimes to chew on, but then she thinks it's ok to chew all cloth things. Then I put on a bra and the strap just breaks like it wasn't even sewn on... then I realize it was hanging by a thread because Charlotte was bored.

Last night we were laying in bed playing with Char, and then it was sleep time so Tyler said, "Char, go to your bed," in a low, serious, but kind voice. Her eyes got low, her ears went back, and she looked very serious while taking a step back from us. He said again, "Char, go on." Then she turned and hopped down into her bed. It was probably the sweetest thing I've ever seen her do. She's just a dog, but man she struggles with being close to us (because she loves so terribly much) and being obedient. Gosh, I love her.

This gray day just needs some rain. Pray for it. We need it.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

I've been trying to blog for a few days, but every time I sit down I don't feel "inspired." Truly. If I'm not feeling it, I can't post anything and I feel like I've wasted my time... and whoever is reading this.

Well, it's my day off... minus a conference call that just happens to be in the middle of the yoga class I planned to attend.

After my experience at a yoga class at The Yoga Room on Brookside in Tulsa, I have had some doubts about doing yoga teacher training. It occurred to me during the class that all yoga is connected. If I do my normal yoga here and someone goes to weird yoga somewhere else, that person is only going to connect the two and say, "What you're doing is weird. Tell me what's different between the two." My answer would be that I do yoga for health and strength, and I don't get creepy chills when I walk in the door. But really, it's all the same - just different levels of where you take it.

Last night I met with my training girls and we talked about things we were dealing with related to training. Everyone was overwhelmed with the homework. I never seem to let homework bother me, if you can imagine that. But the overwhelming part for me is seeing how what I believe about God impacts what I am learning in training. What does the Gospel say about doing a pose that's a great hip opener, but represents some goddess that people used to worship because she'd represented fertility? I just made all that up, but I'm sure it's out there. I mean, what's the big deal? Some days it's not a big deal to me. Other days I say, "Hey, Shannon. Why are you doing this?"

Well, I'd like to be able to do the splits. I'd like to be strong enough to fold forward and raise my legs up slowly into a handstand (my teacher can do that. it's amazing). But, why do I want to do that? Because it's awesome. And also, it's good for my spine, and I want to live to be old with white hair.

It boils down to health, really. Meditation is healthy, too, and the bible says to meditate. It just depends what you meditate on.

So there. Thank you for letting me come to this conclusion while I type. I had no idea what to think fifteen minutes ago. It feels right to struggle with things.

When I can't sleep, I imagine teaching a class to my sisters and mom and friends in Tulsa in a room in my house. It's a good class, and you guys love it. I'm a good teacher.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

We had a sand volleyball game last night at New Town. The team we played was deaf. One of our subs is an ASL interpreter, so it worked out. She kept signing to them "I'm horrible," and "stop serving to me" and they kept laughing. It was a fun game, and we actually won.

I picked Allison up for breakfast this morning at First Watch (I got a pancake with bacon and cheddar in it) and then we went to Joann's for some fabric and dye. I'm going to make these ponytail holders that don't break your hair off, and they're cute too. My yoga teacher gave me one, and it's the only one I use. I used to lose ponytail holders left and right, but I've had this one for a few months. It's nice just having one instead of 38.

Allison and I talked about an article she read claiming that sharing your goals with people tricks your brain into thinking you've accomplished them already because of the praise one typically gets for setting the goals in the first place. I totally believe it, but I think it's good to have three people to share them with. Or just one. Or you can just blog them for the world :) Either way, she shared a goal and I said, "That's awesome... I mean, it's whatever." No praise for her!

Something I've been realizing is that I think I'm always right and that other people are stupid. Also, I am cynical. It makes me sad. I feel like it's too late to be meek and mild, because I'm already not. It's like once you cook a burger you can't make it raw again (but I guess you can throw it away and just eat vegetables). Maybe I can trick my brain. Maybe if I fake it, my brain will believe me and I'll just start thinking sweetly about everyone. I caught myself trying to "nicely" point out someone's  flawed thinking in a manipulative way. Then I kept justifying myself... until finally I had to just apologize.

I know it's not true. I don't have to fake it. Jesus is making all things new, and he can uncook my burger heart.

I'm a blessed little kid.

Monday, July 9, 2012

Ponder anew what the Almighty can do

Seems like when I get back from a trip, I move on so quickly that I never blog about what I did. Here's a short list:

Drove to Springfield, stayed with Lacy and Dustin. We went to eat, played darts, talked about Kombucha, went to bed at 1:30 am, left the next morning for Tulsa.

Drove to Tulsa to pick my brother up from the airport (surprise for the whole family) but he hitch hiked from the airport to the house instead. Swam in the pool. Drank beer. Played with nieces and nephews. Shot off fireworks. Went to a weird yoga class. Went to dinner with the fam. Spent an afternoon with Ange. Had a surprise breakfast with Amanda and her kids and hub. Spent an afternoon hanging with Al in the pool. Went shopping with my mom and got a pedicure. Swam at night. Ate Taco Bueno. Bought new earrings and a watch. Took good naps. Watched a few movies. Took my bro to the airport at 5 am (woke up at 4), drove to St. Charles, went to church, went to lunch, took a 4 hour nap.

Yesterday we made almond butter, cold brew coffee, and finished making my kombucha tea (which has to sit for another week). I also finished season two of Downton Abbey. Can't wait for season 3.

Anyhow. I guess listing off everything I did doesn't seem too exciting for you to read, which is why I never do it. But, it was a fantastic trip home.

Now I work every day this week.

Something I've noticed - when I was interning at Connections to Success, I did a lot of things that helped motivate me. I made lists, I set goals, I was encouraged by awesome speakers, I was around people that made incredible steps forward. It was just a motivating atmosphere. So now that I'm in an atmosphere where "success" is a moving target (literally, my store does something awesome and the next day it's like "do better"), I don't get to make lists very often because I'm always moving... I just don't make time to set goals for myself. I set them for the store. I spend so much time trying to get other people to have the same attitude as me that I don't get much time to work on stuff outside of work.

So this is what I realized - last Summer I set three big goals. To be a store manager, to become a yoga teacher, and to play the piano. All of these things felt pretty far away, besides the store manager thing (that happened after a month of setting the goal). But now, here I am in teacher training. So that's great... and now there is a keyboard sitting in my basement. Once teacher training is complete and I have no more homework, I'm going to spend a great deal of effort learning the piano again.

The end. Time for homework.

Monday, July 2, 2012

Yesterday on my lunch break at training, Tyler sent me a verse -

May you be strengthened with all power, according to his glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy, giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in light. He has delivered us from the domain of darkness and transferred us to the kingdom of his beloved Son, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins. (that's something to sing about, and meditate on).

(Colossians 1:11-14 ESV)

And it was very sweet. In the midst of hearing all kinds of stuff that wasn't the gospel, it was nice to be reminded. And who better than my thoughtful husband.

I'm so very excited to leave tomorrow after work to head to Tulsa. It'll be a great time. We're stopping in Springfield to see Lacy and Dustin. Ah, what a lovely week I have ahead of me. I need to find a place to practice while I'm there.

Time to pack.