Let's get rich and build our house on a mountain, making everybody look like ants

I missed yoga today. I'm bordering slight depression right now (exaggeration... I'm just feeling really apathetic and cynical). Today I was balancing being a calm, responsible adult while my staff and I figured out our new system at work. Stay and help them all night? Let them know that someone is there who can "fix" all of their mistakes? It's scary dealing with people's credit cards (switching Point of Sale systems is like switching languages... oh, I exaggerate again). I did stay rather than go to yoga. I was going to work out, but I applied to Yoga Teacher Training instead. It's legit now, just needs to go in the mail. Right now I'm icing my bunions and Charlotte is licking the ice bag. 

I'm tired of being tired and running late. When I run late and miss yoga, it's like... well, guess I'll blog and ice my bunions. What else can I do? But I guess being tired and running late make you appreciate being well rested and on time. 

We're talking about heaven tomorrow morning at Bible study. I think that will help me. 

I told someone today that I was home and tired and dreaming about gardening with a baby on my hip. I know, you hate me and I need to stop dreaming like the future will be magic and I have it horribly now. I have a good life. It's just hectic right now. 

All the windows are open and it's dark and Charlotte and I are waiting for the rain and for Tyler to get home from class. I think I need to read a book or something. When I came home from OK, I took the stockings off my living room wall (they don't look Christmasy, ok) and de-cluttered a bit. Tomorrow is the first day of Spring after all. Quoting Lisa the street woman after asking me for a cigarette and me replying no and that I do not smoke... "Well... Spring is in the air!" 

I need to get things into perspective. I have a good life. I am happy. I'm just tired. And stressed. And sinful. 

Ange and Bob's Wedding

Well, home again... once again.

Ange's wedding was awesome. She was so gorgeous. So gorgeous she couldn't even believe it. I showed her a picture I took of her and she said, "Man! I didn't know I looked that pretty!"

Manda and I sang. Thankfully I shoved my emotions down for 2 minutes to sing, but that's about as long as I could do it. I found myself, even at the reception, trying not to cry. I even cried when I walked down the aisle when the wedding was over. I hugged Ange, started to cry more... so I went to the bathroom to calm myself. Then the bathroom door fell off. It was a big wooden door. So I'm actually balling at this point, stuck in the bathroom stall with a large wooden door wedged between me and the rest of the world, I'm lightly yelling "Alyson... Alyson...." but she couldn't hear me. Joanna came to the rescue. Walks in the bathroom, sees me crying with the door off it's hinges. She was confused.

Anyway, it's funny that I yelled for Alyson out of all the people in the bride's room. It's like I felt these little girl emotions. Like, "You can't take my sister," emotions. Which are selfish. Anyway, I reverted to the 7-year-old me, where I always yelled for Alyson when I couldn't paint my toes or braid my hair right, or when big wooden doors fall off their hinges.

Amanda gave the sweetest speech ever at the reception. She was worried about it, but truly, best wedding speech ever.

Ange and Bob got picked by a helicopter. It was slightly scary and I think everyone thought about how badly the wedding could have ended... everyone decapitated on a pretty deck. It didn't happen, it was awesome. Most everyone left except the wedding party and family when Ange and Bob flew away, and then they got dropped back off after their helicopter ride. Then it hit my that no one was stealing my sister and she was back and I could still text her even though she's married.

I felt the same way at Amanda and Alyson's weddings. I remember cleaning up each table at the reception and then laying on the pile of tablecloths trying not to cry. I felt empty the next day, but I was also 14 and 15 at the time.

I'm so tired. I have to be at work early tomorrow because we're switching to a new Point of Sale system. Truly, I don't really know how to use it yet. I know the basics, but the boss is supposed to know everything. So I need to get there early to get everything set up. I gave myself this Friday and Saturday off. I never do that just for the heck of it. But the next few weeks are going to be brutal at work, so I'm glad I did it. Tyler and I are going to plant our garden on Friday. He's taking the day off and we're going to Roosters in St. Louis for brunch. It'll be awesome.

Goodnight.

"I was afraid I'd eat your brains, cause I'm evil."

Apparently I have some kind of virus. I started to feel sick 3 days ago. I went into work a couple hours on my day off and really felt gross. Came home and laid around all day. But this is what always happens to me when I get a sore throat - I can't lay down because it feels like my throat is full when I do (I always say that there's a boiled egg stuck in my throat). I start to salivate and dry heave, but I usually just sit up as fast as possible and the problem goes away (but sleeping sitting up sucks). Last night was the pits. Our headboard won't really allow me to prop myself up, so around 10:30 I went to the couch. If Tyler had known, he would have been upset. He just can't handle me sleeping in the other room. And he's sweet.

Anyway, I went to the couch. When I was done talking to everyone on Facebook about my symptoms, and no one else would play me in Words With Friends, I tried to sleep. I took NyQuil. It took forever, but eventually it happened. When I woke up at 5:30 am, I couldn't move my left leg. It hurt so bad. My left hip was like... just excruciating pain. I tried to lay in a comfy position, but I couldn't find one. I'm a baby, but I nearly cried... more out of panic though. I forced myself to get up and limp to bed so Tyler could agree with me that it was really weird. It took me forever to find a position where it wasn't awful, and I finally found a position that was only kind of awful. Charlotte leaned against me and would stare at me when I moaned. Yes, I moaned. I thought the virus was eating my bones.

I took some ibuprofen. When I woke up 3 hours later, it was only a little painful. Like someone punched me in the hip yesterday and I'm sore from it. I need you to understand, it wasn't like when you sit on your hand for too long and your wrist hurts for 17 seconds. This was like, there is something in my hip hurting me at this very second. Tyler asked to take me to the ER, but that felt silly. You only go there if you're bleeding profusely or your heart stops.

Anyway, I know people who think that before Jesus comes back we'll all be zombies, hence the title of this post (which is from a song). Here's to hoping I don't become a zombie.

I curled my hair yesterday. It looks pretty. Then Charlotte chewed the plug off of my curling iron. She loves plugs. I went to throw it away, but Tyler was sad because he likes my curled hair. He said I couldn't buy another curling iron, but that I had to go to some magical store and buy a plug and weld them back together. Does anyone see how ridiculous that it?

I hate feeling helpless. There is a small part of me that likes sitting in bed, but the rest of me feels bad for not being at work. I'm not just controlling, they do need me. And I'm controlling.

Amanda, thanks for your comment on my last post. I laughed and cried.

It must be that time of month again when I feel like I'm the worst person in the whole world.

Ange and I used to do this thing where if we messed something up, like dripped water on the counter or forgot to bring a ponytail holder with us somewhere, we'd say "Uh! I'm the worst!" and then laugh.

Well. I'm not laughing. I am just second guessing myself all the time, whether it's going to Yoga Teacher Training, bringing out a shoe size, eating a cookie. I just feel like the The Worst.

I ate a ton of broccoli yesterday. Mistake.

Charlotte is the sweetest. She loves this weather. She went to the front door this morning and kept tapping her nose on the door knob. I opened the door. Now she's happy. She also ran around the back yard like a race horse... with a tarp in her mouth. So cute.

I get to go home in a week. Ah. Not looking forward to the drive, but it'll be great.

Oh. I dreamed last night that my sisters, mom, and I were in the living room at my parent's house. The piano we had there was demonic, so we put in on the landing of the stairs to get it away from us(?). As we hung out, I kept floating up into the air and the piano would start playing. Alyson yelled at me to stop letting the demon do that to me. She was mad, and I felt so evil. What the heck is wrong with me. It wasn't scary, I just felt like the worst for being weak enough to let the demon get to me. Analyze away.

Time for a shower and a nap... and then work. Tomorrow is my fake day off. I still have to go in, but I have most of the day off.

do yourself a favor and listen to this

and this

Hi. I'm so freaking tired.

I slept for a couple hours yesterday and ten hours last night. Trying to catch up from the weekend, but I couldn't stop writing my toast for Ange's wedding while I laid in bed... and my toast for Lauren's wedding... and when I finally fell asleep, I dreamed that I had to sneak poison brownies to all my friends and when they were all sick and puking from the poison I had to tell them they had been poisoned and unless they followed me they would all die. This higher evil being was making me do these things, and there was a big dark mansion and a swamp (kind of like Day of the Tentacle, but more realistic). I even poisoned Tyler, but I tried to tell him not to eat the brownies. He loves sweets though, and it'll be the death of him. I think it's because we had brownies after dinner.

This will seem abrupt. I found a lump in my chest. In my head it's like a scare... like when you think you're pregnant and you're totally not. Well, it could just be a swollen lymph node (I actually don't know anything about that, but I would imagine it could be a possibility)... but it could also be more. I made an appointment at the Dr, and that made it more real. But, it's nothing until it's something. So it's nothing.

I need to go to Sam's and Aldi. All I wanted today was some broccoli. Anything green. Not sure how to say this tactfully, but if you're shit is brown then you're not eating enough greens. At least, that's what I think. This is my sign that I need some salad.

I hate the grocery store. I'm terrible at shopping for deals, and it makes me sweat. Can't imagine doing it with a kid.

Tonight I'm going to apply to the Yoga Teacher Training program.

The end.

It's Sunday morning. Our friends Dustin and Lacy came to stay with us for the weekend so they could go to our friend's wedding (the one I was in). We were just at their house last weekend.

Friday night we stayed up late and went to Trailhead. Saturday morning the wedding extravaganza began. at 11. The wedding was at 2pm, the reception at 7pm. What a long day.

My dress was short, but cute. But short. I was kind of insecure about that all day, and I wore my volleyball spandex under it.

I'm trying to work on my face and my walk. Apparently I look un-enthused and I waddle/stomp. After a long day, we waited to go into the reception as a wedding party. Half the party was drunk, and I felt like the unfun bridesmaid when the drunk groomsman said to me with slurred speech, "Hunneee.... you need ta cheer up." I said, "Oh, man. I'm good. Don't you worry about me. I'm good." The bridesmaids, whom I love, were also a little silly. When it was my turn to walk in, alone (I walked with Tyler in the wedding), people said I looked like I was on a mission, that I walked fast, didn't make eye contact with anyone except Tyler as I walked toward him, and looked uncomfortable (I was smiling though). All of that was true. But then the mixture of being exhausted and slightly annoyed and someone asking me why I waddled in just made me start balling.

I was talking to Lauren and I said, "Just so you know, I feel like balling." Then I did. I hadn't drank any alcohol or really eaten food all day, because it didn't sound good. Once I cried and had some whiskey, I was ok.

I think that I just hate being misunderstood. I know that I do. It's like being wrongfully accused. No, I don't hate life, I just don't want to act like I love being the center of attention for 10 seconds in a room full of strangers when I definitely do not.

Anyway, I just ate a cupcake for breakfast. Also, all night I dreamed that I had to find and account for all of the drinks poured at the wedding (open bar). Stressful, and nearly impossible.

Amanda (the bride) looked stunning. I'm thankful to have had the opportunity to be a part of her wedding. I am way pumped about Ange's wedding in 2 weeks, and Lauren's wedding in a month. Tyler said after this summer we will graciously decline any invitation to be in someone's wedding :)


So, this is the end of the story.

I could have used the same title from my last post. I left Wednesday for a work retreat, then went to Lacy and Dustin's on Friday, and we came home today (Sunday).

We slept for a half hour, I went to a Yoga Teacher Training meeting at Blue Bird, we took pizza and beer to our friends, then came home and I did homework for the teacher training. And here I sit, Sunday evening trying to stay awake at 7 pm.

Tyler and I talked about Yoga Teacher Training today. We decided I could do the training. I will share more about it later, but I am nervous and excited.

The work retreat was good. I enjoy getting to know my coworkers better. I feel like a child though. I spent my 24th birthday with them, which just makes me feel like a baby and all I could think about was how to cut my hair so I'd look like more of an adult. But thankfully I spent some time with Lacy after and that knocked some sense into me. I don't need to look like everyone I'm around. I can just be myself.

Also, spending your birthday with coworkers is not ideal. They did get me a cake and balloons and flowers. They sang me Happy Birthday in a fancy restaurant. My eyes watered and I laughed, but all I wanted was to be with my friends and family. It wasn't quite the same. But Lacy drove the 40 minutes to see me on my birthday night. I ditched my coworkers and her and I hung out for the evening. I cried when I saw her. I get so homesick, and I miss my friend.

Back to present day. We took pizza and beer to our friends tonight because they had been waiting for their baby to be born. They were adopting a little girl. They got to know the mother who was so ready to not be pregnant and to go back to school and to not have to take care of a baby. She updated them throughout the pregnancy, and throughout the labour. After the labour, she said she didn't want them to see the baby yet. The next morning she said she wanted to parent the baby. Three months of waiting and preparing and they came home with no baby. Absolutely heart breaking. They've been through a lot and everyone would say they deserve a baby. God is so confusing. But He is good. Pray for them.

Starting tomorrow I'm back on the healthy wagon. I ate way to much crap with my coworkers. Everything was paid for and tasty. I wasn't hungry for three days, but I ate anyway. When we got to Lacy and Dustin's we went shopping at a little fancy grocery store. We made kale salad and bacon-wrapped cheese-stuffed jalapenos. We ate out a few times too. Good gracious. Tomorrow is a new day.

I have five days of work and then Amanda's wedding. Still need to purchase some wedding shoes.

8:45 pm. Goodnight.