This morning Leon and I went outside as soon as Tyler left for work. It's so glorious. I brought a basket of toys, my coffee, a sketch book, and my jar of sharpies that I just invested in. And Charlotte.
I had about four minutes and 37 seconds to make a list while Leon chewed on Sharpies. I think I'll just glue them shut and let him have them. As if I'm going to draw anyway. However, it is on my List.
My other list. Not the list I made today. The one I made today had to do with blogging, because on my other list of Things I Would Like To Do, I wrote "blog purposefully." What better way to do that than to make another list specifically about blogging purposefully.
I usually get on here and haphazardly (I love using that word - it makes me feel likeI have actually experienced enough life to throw it out there and people will be like, "Oh, wow, she's experienced life. She can use the word haphazardly) spew my emotional stuff and work through things as I type. Sometimes I leave it open where my brain hasn't finished processing and it leaves everyone on a very ugly note, but that just happens to be where my heart is at the moment (most moments).
The fact is that if everything doesn't end with "but then there's grace," then yuck. Wretch. So here is my apology to you, my Sisters with a big s, and my actual brother (the only man that reads this blog). I am sorry if I have hurt you with my black and white tips for "living fully" and left you out or made you feel badly. All I ever want is to share stuff I love that's working for me, but then I share as if it will save all of mankind because I think it will save me sometimes. Yes, in fact, Oil Pulling will save you. Cure your ails, make you skin tags fall of and make your baby stop crying and give you a good poop (this is a lie).
Tyler and I have some money left over from his car accident because we bought a cheap honda. We were discussing some things we'd like to get/do (go on a Costco splurge and buy ALL THE NUTS) and I mentioned a few "health" items I'd like to look into (water filter, glass containers). Wherever you stand, it doesn't matter. I was in the wrong because my heart wants to eco-friendlify, clean, purify, every part of our life, because hopefully THEN, then we will live to be 120 and never get ear infections and people will see us and say "How do you do it?!" and I'll say "Oh, we use glass containers instead of plastic to store our food," and BAM. We made it (our friends use glass containers and they are pretty and I wanna be like my friends).
I acknowledge to you that I am a psychopath and I find my worth in, and I idolize, being healthy, and I think everyone should have the same convictions as me. I also judge people harshly, at least in my mind, if not outright for all the world to see, for making choices that I don't agree with. And then, as I watch my addiction to being healthy spiral in the horror film of my mind, I see myself at the point of living off the grid to get away from all the bad stuff, including people, sleeping in a faraday bed, and I'm healthy but I am lonely because I have alienated every person. I'll never forget reading Into The Wild, and at the end of the book he carved into the table "happiness only real when shared." Maybe he wrote it. I don't remember. Maybe it's cheesy to hold onto that quote, but I did.
So there's that.
But then there's grace. Don't forget it, and I'll try to remember too. And we can remind each other.
Also on my list of Things I Would Like To Do:
Learn to weave
Plant a garden
Put a Free Little Library in my yard