Friday, May 31, 2013

My sweet husband emailed me from work to tell me that Eisley has a new CD out on Spotify. I was watching the Today Show, but too much past 7:30 am of the Today Show is depressing. It's like, I'm watching 98 degrees perform and it's painful. I shall turn it off and listen to Eisley and blog.

I feel like the creative part of my brain is dying. It was growing when I was in yoga training, and it grew a lot in college, but now... now it's getting bad.

Yesterday I got a whiff of something and, for a split second, it took me to a scene in the book Phantastes, and I stood in my office and smiled. Books are so good for me, but I haven't found much to read lately, besides baby books. I read The Little Prince last night. I love that book.

When I open my pantry, it smells like the trailer we used to camp in when I was little. I love it. It smells like wood and bread.

I'm almost 11 weeks along, hoping that week 12 or 14 is the magical week that makes me feel better. Last night we made fish tacos, but while the fish was cooking I found a bone. It was a beautiful creation, but it disgusted me. I couldn't do it. So I didn't eat. Then an hour later I freaked out because I was starving. So Tyler made me some bread with almond butter and jelly, and I lived.

How do I spark my brain? I used to draw all the time during classes, but I don't take classes anymore, so drawing feels silly. I'm not very good anyway. I always draw the same tree with pretty branches.

I need food.

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

I feel like this sweet little girl.

Tyler and I just went to see Landon Mercer Brown, Tyler's sister's little boy. He was 7 lbs 6 oz and 19 inches long. What a sweetie. He's doing great, and so is Brittany.

They are out in Illinois, so on our way back we ate dinner at Square One Brewery, then took a walk around the park.

The end.

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Boom. Pregnant.

I'm talking about myself.

I'm just 9.5 weeks, but I needed to break my silence. And since being pregnant is pretty much the only thing I can think about since I hate the smell of my house and I hate opening the fridge and sometimes my deodorant makes me even more nauseous and I hate left overs and I can't drink coffee because it is now utterly disgusting to me and I dry heave for 5 minutes when I brush my teeth and I burp/hiccup all the time and my mouth fills with drool like I'm about to puke, this is pretty much the only thing I can blog about. 

I'm a pretty open person anyway. It just makes sense that some of my friends/family knew as soon as I peed on the pregnancy test. "Hey, I've been pregnant for about 5 seconds, and I feel great!"

Well, fast forward a few weeks. I'm having a hard time. I just went to breakfast with a friend. She said, "How are you?" I said, "I'm okay." She said, "Are you lying?" I said, "Yes." And then I cried hard. 

I feel like the most ungrateful person ever. I have this miracle thing with webbed fingers, toes, and a spine growing inside of me. I feel like a mess. I don't even like having cuts or waking up with boogers in my nose. To feel this disgusting all the time... I am like a psychopath. My brain stopped working right away. I'm serious. That's how I knew. Plus the missed period. 

And then to go to work every day, or to teach a yoga class. I feel like I have nothing to give. I'm searching for inspiration, motivation, beauty. People are like, "You're growing a human!" and I'm like, "I'm not smart enough to do that!" And I don't know this alien yet. But I wish it would let my body be okay with coffee, because I'm sleepy and I miss pooping like I used to. Sometimes I pour a cup of coffee and just hold it, but try not to smell it. Usually at church. I'm hearing the gospel, which breaks my crusty heart, and crying because I'm selfish and ungrateful and God is so good and I just want to sip that damn cup of coffee.

Any smart people out there, can you tell me why my mouth tastes worse when I wake up now? I keep thinking I ate a spider during the night. 

Unfortunately, my blog skipped the part where I was very excited and couldn't believe it. I am still very excited, but it's masked by the exhaustion/sadness/nausea. 

There's the little monster. I love her. We're not finding out the sex, but it's a girl. 

There is a slight pooch. It's probably all the bread/oatmeal I consume. 

That's my man at the OB. When we got the ultrasound he put his finger on the screen like a little boy in awesome wonder. It was sweet. 

I always fall asleep in the Dr.'s office. They take forever. Tyler took a picture of that chart and sent it to his friends. 

Tyler is calling the baby Eugene. Not like Eugene, but EU-gene.