Sunday, December 23, 2012

Home

Tyler and I are in Owasso. We brought Charlotte. It has been nice and relaxing so far. Got to spend time with my parents, siblings, Dustin and Tara, etc. Before we left I had to turn in my yoga final. It took me about 37 seconds to hit the "send" button. Later, I laid in bed and thought, "hey, that one part I started editing... did I finish it?" Literally, I may have started a thought and just left it, then submitted it that way. But you know what, they probably didn't read it. And that's okay. It's over with. I feel better. I feel so much better that I didn't even go back to make sure I finished it.

I get to see sweet baby Owen in a few minutes. Can't wait to hug Rachel. Going to her house makes me feel 16 again. I miss her, but I'm okay with not being 16 anymore.

Last night Tyler and I went to The Alley (it used to be St. Michael's Alley) with my parents. I was a waitress there when I was 19. They redid the inside and changed up the menu a bit. It's a good place. We had a good time, drank some wine, and then Tyler and I went to the Sherin's to play with Oliver and hang out with his parents. Weird that everybody has a baby now, or is going to have a baby. It terrifies me. Sometimes I think, "everyone has done it, I can do it." Other times I think it will just kill me. Physically, mentally, emotionally.

It's kind of weird going to Redeemer, just because I don't know everyone like I used to. I feel like I'm at my friend's church, but my friend didn't go that day. And that's okay. Things are just different.

I think I'm teaching my mom and sister yoga tomorrow morning. Then Tuesday morning Alyson is going to kick my behind when she trains me. We're getting a new puppy in a week. The 2nd is our four year wedding anniversary - weird. We went to eat at El Tequila and we saw nine different people we knew. How crazy this place is.

Ange and Manda turn 31 today. So weird. Alyson just turned 32 in September. I'll be 25 soon. Weird, weird, weird. That's all. I love my family. It's good to be home.

Jesus came and brought us rest. God pursued us in the form of a little baby, a man, to give us a peace we won't find by having our shit together. Bring your mess, bring your history, bring your loneliness, bring your attempts at being whole on your own to Jesus, and take rest. Accept this peace that you cannot even understand. Thank you, God, for pursuing us even though we run after so many other things.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

we moved

Hi guys. We're in our new house and we have internet! It took two weeks, so we had a nice little break from blogging. Well, I did. Things that have happened since we moved:
I have been teaching yoga for a month
Haven't really caught up on sleep since Thanksgiving/the move
We have a fireplace and it's so lovely
The house makes noises.

When I can't sleep because of the creaking boards or popping heater, I wake Tyler up. He told me I could. I say, "Did you hear that?" and he says "no." Then he says, "If Charlotte didn't hear it, it's a normal sound." He falls back to sleep. There is a noise in the room above us, Charlotte pops her head up. By then I'm frozen with fear, my heart is beating in my toes. We are the 4th owners of this house. The one before us was crazy, but she's still around. The builder's name was Hercules, and he built the inside of the house by hand, which I appreciate because the closets are huge. I like to think he was a small man, because that's cute. Hercules the small man. Not sure about the owners between the two, but I picture everyone happy and nice. No haunting ghosts here, just old floorboards. I think I believe in ghosts, but we don't have any.

Lacy and Dustin stayed with us for a few nights while they prepped their old house to sell/rent. It was an exhausting weekend. We love them and miss them.

I didn't sleep well after Tyler left for the gym this morning, and Char kept popping her head up with noises. So I took her to pee and the police were at the house next door. The people seem nice. There was a police car and what looked like a moving van that said "St. Charles City Police." Interesting.

Char jumps the fence, so we have to stand out there with her while she goes to the bathroom. I love 5:30 am bathroom trips in the 27 degrees. She even jumped the fence when we left her out back with Mona and Nana (the cutest English Bulldogs in the world). We're getting Woodrow (Char's new little brother) the week after Christmas in hopes that it calms her down a little more. We will not be leaving the two of them in the back yard though.

I taught two classes in a row last night - basics and college night. Learning is tough. So far every class had been better than the next. Last night was not so, but I have since moved on and decided that it's okay to make mistakes.

Wow it's been so long and I have nothing to say. I miss my family and I can't wait for Christmas to be with them. Work is tough. Sometimes I want a nap.

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Thanksgiving

Tyler and I traveled to Beaver Dam from Wednesday night until Saturday afternoon. We got to spend some time with Granny, Tyler's parents, little sister, three cousins, and aunt & uncle. We got there later than everyone else, so Olivia stole our normal bed. Instead we got the bed made for little people. I slept pretty horribly for three nights, plus PMS, the TV on, eating stuff I don't normally eat, etc.

Granny gave us a 45-50 year old coffee table and two end tables, plus a glider and two chairs to match. We're getting a night stand from Tyler's sister as well.

I missed my pup like crazy, but it was good to spend time with his family. However, I sorely missed being with my family. Pretty bad. It's always holidays or birthdays or mom/sister dinners that just kill me. But I'll be home in less than a month and I shan't die. Anyway, I sometimes feel alone when my family is together and I'm not there. I sent my sisters a picture of myself brushing my teeth, because I wanted to feel seen or like there should be a hole in Owasso somewhere. I don't know. I woke up in a panic like, "AAAH, I'm not there. I should be there."

We came home from Kentucky and went to our last walk-through in our house. We move in on Tuesday. We walked into the house and it was a mess. I mean, she's packing, but cat hair was everywhere. It smelled like cat poop in the basement. Anyway, the cooky seller hollers "Hello?" and our realtor is like, "Hi, we told you we'd be here at 2:30." Cooky seller: "Oh, I had no clue you were coming." I think she was lying. Like a crazy person. We walked through and she had made the changes she said she would... including taking a bathroom mirror, which is against the rules. I don't really care, but I'm pretty sure the lady is a little crazy. But I can't wait to move into her well-maintained house. She said it would be totally clean on Tuesday. I believe her.

We have packed up our living room and office. All we have is our clothes and the kitchen. We have 2 Guys and a Truck coming on Tuesday to help us. I'm off Tuesday, Wednesday, and Sunday. Somehow, some way, I want to get back to normal life slightly this week. I can't wait for church tomorrow. Yoga this week. Seeing my friends. Ah.

On the way to Kentucky Tyler and I talked about thankfulness. We are kind of blown away. So blessed. My heart is slowly cracking, and every day I find my cynicism sort of being ripped away. It's terrifying. I feel like Eustace.

Sunday, November 18, 2012

cool things that happened today:

We prayed for renters, or that God would just teach us to trust Him.
We got renters. Two dear friends - both our college roommates Hannah and David. 

We went to church and heard stories about adoption - spiritual and legal. It was awesome. Lots of tears. 

We went to our friend's house and made rum balls and chili. 

Now I'm home mentally preparing for a short work week and a few days in Kentucky. It'll be great. 

That's all. Glad we have renters. Glad we have such good friends. So much to be thankful for. 

Happy Thanksgiving week. I miss my family.



Friday, November 16, 2012

I taught my first yoga class on Wednesday night. I teach again Saturday morning, after my staff meeting at work (which, I just saw on facebook one of my employees write to another "OH... JOY... the staff meeting..." I'm not friends on facebook with the girl who wrote it, but I "liked" it. Out of love, I hope her stomach drops. I seeee you, little girl!!!)

Anyway, my first class went fine. I forgot the word "strap," so that was an awkward seven seconds. I wasn't funny, so I need to work on lightening up and realizing that all those people are or will be my friends and that I don't need to be nervous. My critique was to project my voice better. I think they're going easy on me so I don't cry. I told Tyler he better give me some good critiques and he said, "Oh, I'm going to rip the shit out of your class. Be ready." So now I'm scared.

I left work early today and got Pei Wei. Came home and ate a lot of it.

Last night I went to dinner with three NB Corporate people, my owners, and two other managers. It was a fancy place. About $50 a person and Corporate paid for it. I cleaned my plate. They were nice. I thought to myself, "I'm sitting here with seemingly normal people who make a million dollars a year." I'm a kid. It's just weird. They're in charge of sales for NB North America and Canada.

I'm charging up my Kindle to purchase Ann Lamott's new book "Help Thanks Wow." It's about three different types of prayer. I'm excited. Supposed to be along the same line as Traveling Mercies and Plan B. I didn't like Crooked Little Heart. I didn't finish it though. I don't like novels.

I have some toe spacers between my big toe and second toe. Trying to help my bunion die. I woke up this morning and it was throbbing so bad. I told Tyler that I was afraid to look at it because it felt like it might be black.

PS, Let me talk to you about germs. Non-colonized non-resistant (like homeless people walking through your yard), colonized non-resistant (homeless people camping on your front lawn), non-colonized resistant (knocking at your door asking for food), and colonized resistant (entering your home and eating out of your fridge). So I thought the homeless comparison was mean, but no one at my work seemed to understand. Anyway, when we remove an insole from someone's shoe (I do this five times a day) we have a 60% chance of touching bacteria that is colonized resistant. So many people are jacked up on anti-biotics and we touch their germs and their germs cannot be beaten with more antibiotics. It's craziness. I took all the hand sanitizer out of my store and I'm going to gross out my staff tomorrow and make them wash their hands between every customer.

Friday, November 9, 2012

November - the craziest month of my 2012

Well, Denver is off my list. I, a 24-year-old child, went to Denver with a bunch of business owners and New Balance big deals for two days. They bought us dinner. There was an open bar. I got a vodka tonic like an adult and the bar tender says "What vodka do you prefer?" I replied, "Doesn't matter," like the cheap-liquor-drinking-kind-of-girl that I am. My coworker about died.

I tried to ride in the front seat of the cab, because I didn't realize it was a cab. The car that picked us up was so nice I thought the guy was like a New Balance big deal's brother or something. We talked about Colorado and pot. He said on 4/20 that the sky over Boulder is visibly cloudy... really?

I got a bunch of free stuff - hat, sunglasses, watch, gloves, yoga pants and top, pedometer, shoe lights, elastic laces, and a yoga mat on the way! Can't wait. I totally asked for the stuff. And I got it... fo free!

We planned all of next years products and that was fun. I helped choose for all the stores in our company. I met some cool NB people. Some people drank a lot and I went to bed praying that they didn't make any major mistakes.

I couldn't sleep. Woke up every hour. Finally fell asleep watching "We Bought A Zoo." I love that movie. Every time I watch a movie with Scarlet Johansen, I end up wanting to cut my hair or major in Anthropology. Woke up at 3:30 am, diarrhea. Thanks, Colorado. Woke up at 4:30 and realized I was just up. No going back to sleep. So I watched this liar on TV yell something over and over... "A surprising amount of money will come to you from a surprising source! Praise Jesus! Let his angels shower blessings on you!" Surprise! You got a penny... from a little kid!

I was so angry. And people were cheering. It broke my heart. Had to change the channel. Then I watched a show about people who got too many tattoos and wanted to get them removed. Poor guy, every time he drank alcohol he got another tattoo. Then he'd wake up and cry. And the girl who had her ex-fiance's name tattooed on her forearm. She'd look at it and cry.

Then I ate a cookie in the dark. I realized it had nuts in it and was thankful I wasn't allergic.

I missed Tyler so bad. I was homesick. The other night he said to me, "Please don't ever die." We're super morbid and in love.

I got a $6 can of Budweiser on the plane, because I've never drank on a plane before. It was only fun because my coworker thinks I'm a weirdy and she got a good laugh out of it. I didn't know what lot I parked in, so the sweet Super Park lady drove around until we found my truck. I didn't have any cash, so I gave her my business card and told her I've give her a discount. Rereading that paragraph, I sound like a drunk homeless person.

I went to breakfast with my friend Ellen this morning. It was great. Going to lunch with Allison for her birthday!!! and getting ready to teach this weekend. My very last weekend of training.

And here is why this is the craziest month. Denver. Finish training. I start teaching classes next week. Then we go to Kentucky for Thanksgiving. Then we move into a new house... then we have Christmas, buy a puppy, get pregnant, and get old.

Thank you, Jesus, for this beautiful day. Amen.

Love you guys.

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Halloween ish

I just put some pecans in the oven. I used salt, but I have no sugar. So they will just be salted and amazing. Normal, mature people have sugar.

My friend Rachel is about to have her baby. I am so excited. I never pictured her beating me to it. I'm glad she did. Can't wait to glean all of her knowledge.

Ahhh! child birth.

I'm feeling ready for the next phase of life. I think I've been saying that since I was 12. We may go look at a puppy this weekend, moving into our new house in four weeks. Tyler said, "It's going to be so fun, because everything will be a surprise. We've only been in that house two times. Think of all the surprises we'll find when we live there!" Hopefully no crazy surprises. Like an old lady ghost. I hope that she's at least nice. I will not take a bitchy ghost in my house.

I told Tyler that we have to buy a queen size bed for the guest room. So we will. Then you can sleep there and bring your person with you if that fits. Or you can just have enough room to sleep in a jumping jack position.

I feel so blessed.

Deep breath. Man.

In a week and a half I will officially be a certified yoga teacher, even though my teacher told us we were already teachers. I'm excited. I can't believe I'm almost done.

No one is walking through my neighborhood, except for people buying drugs or long boarding. I'm glad I don't have to answer my door. Mom, thanks for making me a holiday scrooge (I'm talking about Halloween). I loathe seasonal decorations, dressing up, and/or giving strangers candy. I'm happy about it, but everyone seems to hate that I am this way. I try not to be a negative susan, but... if I come to your party I will be dressed as myself and totally ruin the energy. It's okay if you don't invite me.

With love, Negative Susan.

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Tuesday afternoon Tyler left for KC. I had homework that night to keep me busy, but everything was just weird. Instantly the house was a mess, as well as my car, and Charlotte paced from window to window waiting for Tyler. I didn't fall asleep until midnight, and Char wouldn't even snuggle with me. I didn't shower, slept in my sweat. She didn't understand how we could sleep when Tyler wasn't home. She stared out the window most of the night. At one point I put my head at the foot of the bed to see if I could sleep... and then I had weird dreams.

I had to leave work early the next day.

Tyler was at class the following night and I started to plan a surprise party for his 25th birthday (3 days in advance). He was acting like he was turning 100, said he didn't want to celebrate or talk about it.

I was at yoga training all weekend. It was great. I learned a lot and got some good critiques. I think I'll be a good teacher someday.

Anyway, so I was texting with Allison all Saturday during training because her and Andrew were helping me with the surprise. It was going to go like this... they kidnap Tyler, take him to 4 Hands Brewing Co., I meet them there with a ton of our friends after my training. Well, Tyler needed my car so I had to carpool with my training girls. So I couldn't drive myself to the brewery. So the Shead's actually said to Tyler, "Let's go to 4 Hands." So it was going to be a double date, they pick me up, and then surprise! our friends are here.

Well, in the car Tyler said several times, "It's good that you had pants in your bag." The third time he said it, I knew he knew, but I had to keep it up. So we walk in and Tyler had big smirk on his face, all our friends are there. He says he knew, that I'm a terrible liar, and that he had been trying to make things difficult for me all day. He almost pretended to be sick. He also said he knew I was either cheating on him or planning a surprise party. He was pretty sure it was a surprise party. Lovely.

We had a great time, and he didn't know who all would be there, so that was the surprise. Then later his eyes got all sweet and sappy and said that he appreciated that I was willing to do something out of character for his b-day. We are not gift givers or surprisers, pretty much ever. Speaking of gifts... I need to go buy him a thermos. And, we're super in love. I never want him to go on a business trip again. It was like, the worst night ever. Can't wait to be old people together.

Training is exhausting. I'm going to go put my body in my bed. Picture a pile of skin and muscles with bones in there. That's how I feel. Like a pile. A lump. Goodnight.

Monday, October 22, 2012

stress

Tyler is leaving tomorrow for KC for one night. I think I'm freaking out and don't realize it.

I'm teaching my first yoga class on Wednesday night. Barf.

Work. Computers not working. Customers demanding discounts and then personally attacking me when I don't give them one. "Well, I need shoes now! I can't wait until your next sale!" Um, ok. I have a stockroom full of product. You may purchase it if you like. "Where's your manager?! Is HE around?" I'm the manager. "Well, you're very young." You're old.

It seems small, but day after day it breaks my spirit. People can be so harsh.

Politics.

The Cards.

This morning I woke up and drank a liter of warm water with 2 tsp of salt in it. I nearly threw up. But it moved some things around later, so that was good.

Lord, calm my anxious mind. I'm a freak.


Sunday, October 21, 2012

You are mine. I love you.

It's a beautiful Sunday. We're watching the Rams lose and Tyler is making Hoppin' John Soup - something he ate in Kentucky growing up.

I met with my teacher yesterday to plan my Wednesday yoga class. I just typed out everything I would say in each pose to get it in my head. I'm going to practice my sequence and time it out, and then go practice teaching with my fellow teacher trainees.

At church we're going through Hosea, one of my favorite books. Hosea was the book that made the Gospel click in my head for one of the first times (so somewhere between the first and the millionth time, because it always feels like the first time). This morning our pastor discovered that all of his notes didn't upload onto his kindle, so he winged it and it was awesome.

At the end he asked us to close our eyes, and he said things like what God must have said to Gomer in the desert. "You are my daughter... I love you..." When I went to church this morning I was feeling weird. Like nothing could touch me. I'm usually either there, or on the verge of a breakdown. At one point he said, "What you see in the mirror is not what I see... What you see on the scale is not what I see... You are mine... I love you." Thankfully everyone's eyes were closed, because I was ugly crying. It was uncomfortable.

But it was beautiful. At least maybe for the next couple of hours I'll remember all that stuff. But really, I need to be reminded of the Gospel every five seconds. Tyler is pretty good at reminding me.

We looked at puppies yesterday, but we are hooked on Boxers. We looked at a Lab-Boxer mix, got in the car and I said, "I feel weird considering buying a lab." Tyler said he felt weird too. And when we got home I loved on Charlotte like a crazy person. She slept in our bed. I'm not sure if it's a sin to love a dog so much, but... sorry.

And onto the next week. PS. my sister Alyson ran 20 miles this morning. What a freak.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Hi, sister friends. Thanks for the comments.

Tyler and I both took Wednesday off because we were ill. Truly. He is like a sad little boy when he's sick. I say, "What do you want for lunch?" He makes a face like he's close to death/tears and says "... I.. don't know." I was feeling bad, but doused my immune system with every pill I could find. Airborne, alka seltzer, ibuprofen, allergy pill, and benadryl. Also, I put cayenne pepper in my water (with lemon and stevia) and seriously, it reduced the swelling in my throat. I swears.

So we're feeling better. My throat is still a bit sore, perhaps because I drank about 7 cups of coffee today... but more like three and a half because I only fill the cup up halfway because black coffee is gross cold.

Tonight at yoga I was in wheel pose (picture a back bend), and using a bit of rocking momentum I popped up out of wheel pose onto my feet. It was my first time to do that. Months ago I saw my teacher do that and I dreamed of the day I would be able to. Well, I did it tonight on accident. It was awesome.

We have volleyball playoffs tonight. I hope we win, but if we do that'll mean we're not in bed until like 11:30..... death. I love sleep, but not like a sluggard does. I just know I'll stay well if I sleep and lay off the booze. Did I mention I LOVE airborne? I wish it wasn't expensive. It's amazing. I think it kept me from getting the body aches and the one who scoffed at it, my dear husband, was close to death.

I find out tonight what my teaching schedule is at Blue Bird. It's like waiting to see if you've been drafted for the Hunger Games. I like to compare almost everything to the those games. Then when I actually look at my life I'm like, "Ok. I'll live."

We had a guy named Dan Zink from Covenant come talk to us last Sunday. Men that wise are just insane to me. I really like him. Tyler and I had great conversations after that. Anyway... time to go play volleyball.

Go cards...

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Black coffee

Hey guys, I drink my coffee black now (with Stevia). This is a pretty big life change.

This week has been weird. I did a lot of thinking after yoga training last weekend. The kind of thinking you don't share with anyone because you might scare them. But thinking these thoughts alone scared me, so I shared my thoughts with two close friends and Tyler, and they weren't scared.

My teacher was talking about the myths and how if we thought about the resurrection of Jesus more as a metaphor than literal, then Christianity might be a little more accessible. I've heard people say Jesus didn't really resurrect, and I've heard them say He did. I've never, not once in my twenty-four and a half years, even considered the resurrection as a metaphor, which actually scared me.

I am being taught that yoga isn't just on your mat, it's everywhere. So there's the Jesus Gospel the Yoga Gospel. I've heard, "Well, yoga is just complementary to your belief in God." Mmmmmm... I wish I could say okay to that. Also, a zillion people believe in God, but Jesus is hardly an afterthought.

So now, a month away from teaching, I am slightly terrified. Trying to figure out how to be in that culture, but not of it. It's a very "coexist" sort of culture, but I don't believe in that. If someone is running as quickly as possible in a direction that will kill them, I'm going to stop them. I'm not going to say, "Well, that's their way, this is mine."

I knew that this would happen... that doing this training would just make me think, force me to know, and to believe something. To stop living so passively. It's so easy to conform to whatever group you're in, especially when you're only around Christians. Try being a Christian around people who think that organized religion is ignorant and unintelligent. So easy for me to stay quiet and get cynical.

All I know is that living as my own savior is exhausting, it doesn't work, it's lonely, it's terrifying, it's hopeless. I look around and know that this place didn't explode into awesomeness. God made it awesome and put a longing and a need in my heart to be known by Him, to know Him, and to glorify Him. Only Him. Not Him plus anything else.

So when I'm teaching, I'm just going to teach from my own experience. Not just saying what my teachers say, not trying to sound "yogic" and vague, and maybe not fitting into the mold that I'm being trained to be in.

I'm planning a free yoga class for all the ladies at my church as we speak. I'm excited.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Two of my sisters have blogs that you all can read, and they are good. I pretty much cry with laughter, or just cry every time I read them.

Amanda's and Alyson's. Both of them are like super heros to me.

That's all.

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Growing pains

I've had an attitude about yoga training for a while. One weekend I lost my ring and Tyler was mad at me. All the other weekends I've been PMSing. Therefore, bad attitude.

I got there this weekend with a bad attitude. All along it's been "I'll do what I have to do to teach a class. I don't need to know the myths or philosophy." I still believe that I don't need to know that stuff to teach a yoga class, but why choose not to learn something when it's being taught to you? I'm the same person I was in high school and college. Do the least amount to get by and graduate. Barf. I don't even like those kinds of people. I am that.

Anyway, having a good yoga practice does not mean you'll be a good teacher, so this is something I will have to work on, do what I'm told to do (homework), and it's going to be painful. I hate sucking at things. My teaching today was mediocre at best. Such a humbling process.

I think it would be so much easier to teach friends, people who don't totally know what they're doing but want to know, and not have your teachers staring at you and writing things down.

It's tough teaching people who already know the poses and the actions. A trainee tried to adjust my hands during down dog and I got pissed. Probably isn't fair, but I only want to be adjusted by someone who's built trust with me. Anyway...

For people who don't know me well, I think I might be a little dry. Then I get up to teach and my small, dry personality just dies. I need to find that. That's stressful.

I can feel the growth coming on. Not like a tumor, but like, I'm being toned and humbled and refined and crushed and hopefully put back together.

In the next two weeks I have to do a lot of uncomfortable things, like record myself teaching poses, teach my friends, and write three meditations to do in class in front of 30 people. Puke.

I'm going to change my attitude, or I think it's already changing a little bit.

My brother just told me he reads my blog. This was his summary: Tyler is home. I just got home from work. I'm on my period. Tyler is gone. I'm going to yoga.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

retail schmetail

I just sighed a long, frustrated sounding sigh out of love for my dog. She's standing on the couch next to Tyler awkwardly, hunching like a baby deer so freakishly so she can rest her head on Tyler's belly. I'm not frustrated, it's just the only noise that can explain how much I freaking love her.

This weekend was bad, and it stretched into my Monday. A guy on the phone made me cry... while I was up front and a customer was staring at me. Other things happened, we didn't close until 6:30 (we close at 5:30) because this horrid, oblivious family wouldn't leave. They were shopping online as we told them their sizes, but wanted to try on every shoe in the store (this is rude if you didn't know). The kids were tyrants and the parents didn't care. So many other details, but I need to move on.

Monday I was lacing up a man's shoe. He had already made a comment about "supposedly" being helped while someone looked for his shoe on hold for 17 seconds. I grabbed his shoe and proceeded to help him, since he was an ass and truly if I can protect my staff from people like that, I do. On the tongue of most athletic shoes, you will typically find a small loop to lace through that holds the tongue still. Anyway, I always lace through the tongue. Always. Well, this man frazzled me because he was an ass. So I missed the tongue loop and not a fraction of a second later, as I had already begun to lace the shoe properly, the man said, "Did you skip the tongue loop? Hey, let me just tell you something. If you have the opportunity to do something correctly, just do it right the first time. OK? Geeze." And it wasn't endearing, or wise words from an old man. It was condescending words from an ass hole. I just smiled really big and didn't say anything.

This is how my weekend bleeding into my Monday went. Yesterday I was in a terrible mood and I emailed my staff and finally said no political discussions and no more bathroom humor. I can't go to the bathroom without someone stating that I stunk it up. This happens anytime someone spends more than 30 seconds in the bathroom. I realized today that It's my fault that I allowed it to get this far. I'm too lenient... which is why my dog only licks me and never Tyler, and only sleeps by me and never Tyler. He's the disciplinarian. I'm fun. No more.

I struggle with finding my identity in my job, yoga practice, relationships with friends and family, etc. After a weekend like this, being treated like someone who doesn't know to put the lace through the tongue loop, it just hit me hard. Today was a better day, but being nice to super mean people gets really old. I'm burnt out.

Tyler just said that the reason these people impact me so much and make me cry, hurt my feelings, make me feel like a doormat, etc. is the same reason why I'm good at my job. I care a lot. Pat, pat. Doesn't make me want to go to work though.

Final story. Today a woman came in who I have helped many times. She hunts for discounts in a manipulative way, finds things in common with you so she can pretend to be your best friend, calls you by your name a lot, and touches you when she's talking to you... but she's a ball of insanity. It's like any second she could explode, and you can feel her always at the edge. Then at the end of it, when you don't give her a discount she makes you feel like dirt. Today she chatted it up with me while I was trying to help another customer - interrupting, being quite rude. I went to get another shoe for my customer and one of my employees walks in back and says, "Hey, she wants to use this coupon that expired in July." We stick to expiration dates. That's all there is to it. I said no. I was back on the floor helping my customer, my employee tells her we cannot honor the coupon and she comes rushing toward me like... a banshee? "I would have come in sooner had I known!!" I point to the expiration date and apologize. She says okay, goes to the counter and takes my DM's cards, and proceeds to stare at me for about 2 minutes. Her purchase was made, there was nothing more to be done. She just stared at me.

A man claimed to corporate that we forced him to leave in his socks and that we discriminate against disabled people. All of it was lies. He even said it was raining and that he stepped in puddles, and it wasn't raining! He left in his socks because he was so angry we didn't have the size in his shoe and the shoes he wore in were "defective." He said we refused to help the other customer in the store... the store was empty.

I'm just continually blown away and I'm so tired. I'm scared to answer the phone because people are freaking insane. "You said my shoe would magically appear via teleport!" The other night I dreamed that someone came in and shot up my store. Is this normal stuff? Do people do this at Gap or Target?

Ok. I'm done.

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

I never use titles anymore.

I took a benadryl last night. I slept like a freaking rock. I slept in until 8:45. I got to yoga at 9:30 and no one else showed up. I used to stick around and get a one-on-one class, but now that I'm thinking more like a teacher I give them an out. But, my teacher and I both agreed we'd practice for a half hour and get some coffee. It was perfect. It is good to practice with a friend.

Then I discovered goat cheese and my day continued to be good.

The other day I asked a woman at church what her child's name was. I made a rule for myself that I will now ask "What's your precious baby's name?" instead of saying his/her name. But I hadn't made that rule yet, so I said "What's her name?" Her child is a boy and his name is Emmett. Not a big deal, but I make everything a big deal. I said, "I'm so sorry. I don't know anything about your baby." And what I meant was, Your baby is 4 months old and I haven't taken the time to love you and get to know one of the biggest parts of your life. It just happens that way though. My church is growing, but I need to branch out more.

I feel like I'm especially offensive to mothers since I have been married for more than three years and don't have kids yet. Maybe they think I'm some kind of selfish little millennial who thinks babies are yucky and asks ignorant questions and doesn't know the first thing about the meaning of sacrifice. I know most of this stuff is false and I'm making it up, but I have had these thoughts.

So I just feel like an ignorant child around moms. I was holding a sweet baby last night and he started to stretch. He arched his back and his head rolled off to the side, looking like I was tossing him to and fro.

Anyway, I wrote the mom an email (the one who's child's gender I confused). Her response started with, "Oh, Shannon. We are so much alike." I can't tell you how much weight was lifted off of my shoulders. I'm such a freak sometimes. I actually woke up in the middle of the night and cried about it. And right after I spoke to her I went to the bathroom and cried.

I know that all of us are in different places. I'm an insecure girl who wants babies but always makes them cry or doesn't know how old they should be when they start tying their shoes or talking. Moms have their own insecurities. I always just think, "I hope that person has experienced grace like I have." Because if they have, then they likely will show it to me. If they haven't, all I can do is apologize and pray. And remember that a few people love me and God will always love me.

Lastly. My dear friend whom I love told me that sometimes your dreams are ways for your emotions to let themselves out when you won't let those emotions out in real life. Other ways that happens is when something small strikes a chord, like calling a boy a girl and crying about it for three days. This is all happening to me. I am happy and not really stressed, but something is lurking in my brain. I just need to go to counseling and get it over with.

With peace, Shannon.


Tuesday, September 25, 2012

I just stood in my new sun room. I made sure the ceilings were high enough so I could do sun salutations. The inspector was like, "This would be a great family room. You could put a TV out here. It'd be great." I wanted to tell him that was the worst idea ever... putting a TV in a sun room. I didn't though. I just told him I was going to teach yoga out there. He seemed disappointed.

It's a beautiful day. Tyler is going to work now. We just had a Totally Tuna from Jimmy John's. Our neighbor is yelling at someone on the phone on his porch. Then Mark (the crazy guy) yelled terrible things at Lisa (the crazy lady) in front of our house. Really makes you want to leave the windows open.  Two yelling conversations with separate parties... at the same moment on the same day, right in front of my house. How weird.

The woman selling us her house is interesting. There is an old chandelier above the dining room table. Tyler said "The first thing I'm going to do is take that thing down when we move in." Today the owner was working at her desk in the living room... kind of awkward. But we talked to her a bit. She seems very sad to sell it, but it's her choice. She wants to live in the next town close to her church and daughter. Well, she said she was very sad to part with the chandelier and thought of taking it with her. We told her to take it, but she said she couldn't. It's a 75 year old chandelier and there are pineapples on it... for good luck.

If she ends up leaving it, I think I convinced Tyler that the chandelier stays.

I need help painting the house... colors, I mean. I'm bad at choosing colors. I just want them to be awesome.

I think it's nap time.

PS. Amanda, I like wood panelling. There isn't too much.

Saturday, September 22, 2012

Chans Plange

A few months ago Tyler wanted to purchase a small house just to rent out to people. He's weird. He likes numbers and spreadsheets and real estate. So we looked, a house we wanted to buy fell through, so Tyler had a new plan to purchase a bigger house for us and rent out the one we're currently in.

We looked casually, came across the best realtor in town, and then a house we love. This is hard for me, because we always planned to transition back to Oklahoma soonish. All of my friends here know that, and they all poo-poo it of course. So when we found a house it actually hit me what that meant. I was stressed, I skipped a lot of yoga, I cried in 3-second spurts at random moments while driving. I was dreading telling people back home, because it's my fault that I haven't kept everyone up to date with our plans. Last I mentioned I'm pretty sure I said we'd be home in a year and having a baby.

Well, we found a quaint little house that's three times as big as the house we're in right now. It's got a sun room. Here's the link on Zillow. The kitchen needs to not be pink, but other than that it's great.

Anyway, whoever comes to visit can sleep in a room on a real bed.

It was hard to tell my mom.

All I know is that I feel overwhelmingly thankful and happy and blessed. Like a lucky little kid, except that I'm not lucky and God is just good. Even when things are hard and sad, I'm just reminded of how good He is. We close the last week of November. Please come visit us and stay in our house. Sit in the sun room and sip your coffee.

We'll be hitting up a lot of thrift stores for some furniture to put in the house.

And I can feel it in my bones that I will die in Oklahoma. Things will happen in their appropriate time.

Love, Shannon.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Seemingly ignorant people keep asking me what I'm going to do after college, just assuming this is a college job. I tell them I already have a degree. They're like, "Oh. And you still work here?" It's always people who live in Florida for half of the year, or someone who doesn't have a job (retired, stays at home, etc - which is fine). They say "Oh, I bet your husband has a good job." Yeah, he does. I actually just make monopoly money and we play with it when I get home from work every night.

I think I'm feeling testy because I got a mean email today from a lady who stormed into our store and started yelling that she refused to wait for a Fitting Specialist and wanted help immediately. Oddly enough, this woman is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with a website full of her counseling services. Her email said she was the kind of customer we wanted - the ones who know what they want and don't need any help. Nope, the place you meant to go to is called Zappos. It's not that we won't help those customers, at all. Most people that come into our store come in for full service, or they don't realize that we're full-service, so we show them. If you hate full-service and want to do it yourself, shop online. Also, if you're like this lady, please never leave your house, because you're mean.

I had a guy complain that his 14 month old shoe was defective because the mesh ripped. I told him it was normal wear and tear. Eventually, I told him I'd give him a credit toward a new shoe, which I totally regret. His next move was "When will the shoe go on sale?" I told him in 2 years when the shoe is phased out and updated. He asked if he could continue to wear his current shoe and bring it back in 2 years. I said no. He said, "Oh... so this credit is conditional. Ok. Well, I got a few packs of socks that don't fit. Can I bring those back?" The socks were almost two years old.

I closed with two of my employees I don't see often, so that was fun. I work with good people.

My friend hates that I make my own shampoo, and that the shampoo that I make doesn't work and that my hair is disgusting. Oh, she also does my hair. So she text messaged me and said she had a present for me. I went by her house to get it, and I knew it was shampoo. It wasn't just shampoo... it was shampoo from Lush. It is amazing. It's a bar. You just use it on your scalp, and in two days when my hair is oily but I don't want to wash it again, she also got me some dry shampoo to sprinkle in my hair and soak up the oils. I'm already hooked.

I skipped my dreadlock appointment. I had a weird feeling. So I just canceled it. I'm not going to get more dreads... right now... so. I just cleaned my room instead of driving into the city to get my hair looked at.

Tyler is home from class. Bye.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Day off

I skipped yoga this morning. I also left work early yesterday, due to severe cramping and dry heaving. I hardly slept last night. 

I woke up early to Tyler taking a picture of me, the bright iPhone flash, and then hearing him say, "You're an ugly sleeper." He's funny. Probably one of the oddest people I know. 

I went to QT, got a coffee and doughnut, went to my Hosea bible study, and then to lunch with Allison at Llywelyn's. I love the book of Hosea. Great discussion was had and I'm looking forward to getting to know the "older" women in my church - the ones with kids who have been married for fifteen years rather than one or three. I like wise ladies. I want to be one. So I chose to go to this study rather than the other one full of my friends. Not because my friends aren't wise, but I want to branch out more.  

Lunch with Allison was great. I love her to pieces. We got coffee afterwards at Picasso's. The barista made me a "surprise" - cinnamon honey latte. It was perfect. I'll get it with soy milk next time because real milk is poison. 

I cleaned my room. I was sitting on the floor hanging stuff up and Charlotte kept trying to sit in my lap. It was terribly adorable. She loves me so much. Then she would sneak a hanger and I'd hear chewing in the next room. She loves plastic hangers almost as much as she loves leather. 

I went to a cute little grocer with antiques, craft beer, and home grown produce. It's just a couple blocks away and it's adorable. I got some produce for our Gospel Community kick off dinner. I'm excited about this semester. Now here I sit, listening to Imagine Dragons. The windows are open. I'm wearing a headband. I feel kind of nauseous, but it's been a great day.

I look forward to not working retail and just teaching yoga. I think about that a lot. I can't help it. I'm tired and much too emotional to be a boss. I care too much about my staff. I want them to be happy. When they're not, I think it's my fault. Some day.

I think I'll go on a walk. 


Sunday, September 16, 2012

Yoga training weekend

Good golly. It's good to be home. We practiced for 2.5 hours this morning. That's the longest I've ever practiced in one sitting. But we didn't sit, unless we were twisting.

I'm tired. I just ate three chicken tacos. My body is so sore, but it feels good. I learned a lot. Only three more weekends and I'll be a teacher. Middle of November. I'm excited.

I made the switch back to washing my hair with baking soda. We'll see how this goes.

I am so looking forward to Tuesday. Starting my morning with Rise and Shine yoga, work conference call, women's bible study one Hosea, lunch with Allison, going to get my dreads worked on, and then Fall community group starts! It'll be a busy day, but I look forward to it.

I needed this weekend away from work. Bout to crack some freaking skulls.

With love, Shannon.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

It's Wednesday. Tyler is in class right now. I just watched The Voice. TV season is so interesting. I don't care about any of this stuff, but it's addicting. Waiting for Tyler to get home to watch Parenthood :)

I went to yoga after work and my teacher asked if I was excited for training this weekend. I can be awkward when I'm asked questions like, "How are you doing?" and I want to say, "Well, not very good... but please don't make me go into it." rather than, "Fine! How are you?!" So I stared at her for seven seconds............................ and she said, "One day at a time?" and I replied, "yes."

I'm dreading training once again. And of course training is scheduled right in line with my freaking period. But, 4 more weekends and I'm done. I can teach. In no way will my life be more perfect. In my head when I think about the "perfect life," having a perfectly healthy body with no aches and pains is in there. I can't do that though, but Jesus did it. And it'll be that way. So for now... I'll just work in that direction with a peace, knowing it'll be that way someday... While asking why my ribs pop in and out of place.

This weather makes me so contemplative. Makes me want to get pregnant and quit my job. But, then I freak out and think that it's just the weather, and maybe if I do that I'll regret it or like I did it too soon. I feel easily hopeless. So what if I make the wrong choice and then feel stuck... silly, but I over analyze everything in a really stupid way. I wish I could record my spoken fears and let you listen to Tyler's responses to me. He's smart.

Also, my friend Lauren (who is smart) told me that Obama removes simple choices from his... choices... so that he doesn't have to waste brain power. He got rid of all of his suits besides gray and navy, and he never decides what he wants to eat....?! Well, that is certainly a presidential luxury, but I could really weed out some of my clothing.

Anyway. I turned off the TV and am listening to Arcade Fire. Charlotte is asleep on the floor. I didn't do my homework for training this weekend, but I feel just as I did in high school and college... I don't care at all. I take what I want from the training. I still mix up Buddhism and Hinduism. My learning style is based on interaction. If you tell me what Buddhism and Hinduism are, I confuse them. If I meet a Buddhist and a Hindu, I will know which is which. But that shouldn't stop me from teaching a yoga class. Praying this weekend doesn't make me cynical, but just more prayerful for everyone there.

Friday, September 7, 2012

It was a great Labor Day weekend. I was off Sunday and Monday. We played sand volleyball, stayed up late, hung out with people with kids twice (!), ate BBQ, slept in until 9:30 am on Monday (I tried to put the 9:30 in caps, because it's a big deal). We grocery shopped and made a breakfast pizza while drinking coffee stout (breakfast beer). We went to church in our new building, and to lunch with our dear Colorado friends, Jesse and Bri.

We watched a movie called Friends with Kids. It's the dumbest movie in the whole world. Do not rent it. The ending is an attempt at poetry and love and beauty, and it fails so horribly that I wish I could erase it from my brain. It's terrible. Do not rent it. 

I sing in the band at Church with my friend's husband. He's awesome - I prefer to sing with him when I am in the band. He asked me to sing out somewhere with him sometime, like at a bar. I'm pretty excited. He asked me to think of some songs that we could do together and I nearly interrupted him to say "Civil Wars." I'm excited. I hope this comes to fruition. 

I made an appointment to have my dreadlocks fixed. I saw this guy the other day who had the most gorgeous dreads. They were so pretty, and they were neat - not messy. He gave me this girl's website and I made an appointment with her. We'll see where this goes.
_______________________________________________________________________________
That was earlier this week. Today is Friday. My mom, dad, and Alyson will be here in 2 hours. We're going to eat at the new BBQ place on Main Street - it's in an old building, like 100 years old or something. It's a cool place. And their Old Fashioned is $12, so beware.

I am excited to have the weekend off. I've had some tough conversations this week, and I think I just need a break.

Sorry my yoga posts are so freaking boring.

That's all. I'm excited for my weekend. Oh, also Lacy and Dustin are staying with us this weekend. Gosh, a weekend full of people I love and miss. I also wish my other two sisters could be here... and my weird brother.




Thursday, August 30, 2012

Well, I'm back again because it's my day off. I hope you didn't miss the post before this, where I talk about my hair. It's a phenomenal read.

I went to yoga this morning. I told my teacher that it feels like someone braided my muscles together, and then knotted them. Then I changed my description to "dread-locked them." My buckwheat pillow shipped. I considered the chiropractor thing for about 7 seconds. I think a buckwheat pillow, some prayer, yoga, and walking will do me some good.

Last night I laid in one place for a few minutes and was already starting to get stiff. I remembered when I was little how I'd move to different parts of the bed and sleep better. I always loved hanging off the side of my bed in an accidental hammock of sheet, and waking up like "wow, what a magical way to accidentally sleep." So I moved to the end of the bed, and Tyler was like "You are a freak." I slept eventually... not before downloading a free yoga app and and creating a sequence.

I went to coffee with my teacher this morning. I love good conversation and happy weather. It was just gorgeous and true.

This morning we went from Trikonasana into Ardha Chandrasana, and then into Ardha Chandra Chapasana. Usually the second pose I'm floppin' all over the place and can't keep my balance and same for the third pose. However, even with my tangled muscles and my pangs, the long weekend of training birthed some fruit. It's so encouraging to see change.

This is Trikonasana - Triangle Pose. Tyler took this of me while I blocked his TV show.
hopping up into Ardha Chandrasana - Half Moon Pose
and then bending your leg, grabbing the ankle, Ardha Chandra Chapasana - Half Moon Sugar Cane pose... ? I tried to find a picture where the body was going the same direction. Oh well.

video
well, I don't think this worked. Anyway, I've been working on this for a while. And it's not really about tackling it, it's about heading in that direction. May sound cheesy, but it's true. 

Oh, the video did work. There. Happy Thursday.


Wednesday, August 29, 2012

I had a Management Meeting today in Washington, Missouri. It's an hour drive from St. Charles, and I always carpool with Lauren's husband Ken, the manager of another store (Tyler and I were in Lauren and Ken's wedding in March). I started to get ready and was shedding a lot of hair, so I decided that was gross and I brushed my hair. Well then it was really fine and ugly looking, so I curled one side... but then I looked really proper, so I straightened my hair and had a middle part, and then Ken was here to pick me up... so I looked like a 70's flower child with long straight blonde hair and a middle part for the meeting. I ended up putting my hair in a ponytail because with straight hair, my dreadlocks pop right out from underneath and look a little scary. Like lucky rabbit feet, right Alyson?

One of the company owners is really excited to do a Good Form Walking clinic at our stores during Customer Appreciation Week in October. She wanted someone knowledgeable on the subject and who believed in it to teach the clinic. No one really had anyone at their stores who fit the description. So... I said, "I've been pose running for a few years, which is Good Form Running with a different name... which is the same thing as Good Form Walking except you're running, and I can tell you about the benefits of running mid-foot as opposed to heel to toe. I believe in it." That's all I said, so now I'm going to teach clinics at each store during October. I don't know what got into me, but I think I'll do a good job.

That's pretty much it. I'm going to spend my evening eating pizza and watching a movie with my swollen-glands husband. I'm off work tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am going to go to yoga.. after that it's just a freaking adventure. I will drink coffee. Maybe I'll go for a run? I'll probably smile all day long. I'll probably go for a walk and practice Good Form Walking :) So I can teach it... and I'm going to listen to Beirut all day long and pretend it's Fall.

Also I ordered a buckwheat pillow...? In hopes that my neck will loosen up a bit and I can have no pain when I wake up in the morning. I'm 24 and I've got my mother's neck and weird ribs. Sometimes if I do abdominal work, I have to lay flat and push on my left rib cage and something pops in and out of place...

Alright. Love. ∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆ I just learned how to make that symbol.

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Currently, my hoosier neighbors are playing loud music and dancing in the rain in the alley. It is not pretty, but it's amusing and it's making us smile. By loud music, I mean they have amps set up in their garage. There is a live band playing and the gypsies of white trash are dancing in the street. We took pictures, but it's not the same seeing it in person.

I had teacher training all weekend. I am so tired. When I get tired I say things like, "I'm so tired I could kill a kitten," or something terrible. I don't mean it. I love kittens, almost as much as dogs. Last teacher training weekend I laid in bed at bed time and kicked my legs a few times and said "I'M SO TIRED... I HAVE RESTLESS LEG SYNDROME." So tired I couldn't sleep. My body is like... exhausted. And I do not have restless leg syndrome. I'm sorry for the people that do.

Thankfully, Alisha called me this weekend.  Sometimes I forget her because she lives 35 minutes away and our lives are totally separate, except that we used to live in the same town and we know the same people and we both love Jesus. I'm sorry, Alisha. I miss you. But she called, and she made me gluten free pancakes and coffee, with mango orange juice and vanilla bean greek yogurt... and some grapes. We talked. It's good to talk to a Kindred Spirit in the midst of being with basic strangers who believe very differently from you all weekend long. There was a point today where I started to drift to sleep as my teacher broke down back bends. My butt was asleep too. I told Alisha I was so tired I could cut my skin off. I don't even know that that means, but I just say inappropriate, violent things when I'm tired. I told my training friend I was going to punch her in the throat, joking of course, and I talked about PMS and poop too much.

Tyler and I just watched Fantastic Mr. Fox. I read that book a few months ago. In the movie they say, "What the cuss?" and "You scared the cuss out of me." It made me laugh. I should start saying cuss instead of shit. George Clooney played the fox well, almost the same character as in Oceans 11. And O, Brother Where Art Thou?

If anything, I am thankful for this yoga training because it's causing me to think. I had to think in college. I had to think when I worked at Connections. And I'm thinking now because this training is pushing me to ask why, in a good way. On Friday I got to training early, so I went to Starbucks, washed my armpits in the bathroom, and got one of those stupid coffee pops because I'm scared to drink real coffee after 4pm. I sat at a table. A guy asked if he could sit with me. I told him yes, and then got my phone out. I opened my bible app and these verses were there from Colossians 1:

15  He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation. 16 For by[a] him all things were created, in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities—all things were created through him and for him. 17 And he is before all things, and in him all things hold together.

I was thankful to be reminded of this right before my long weekend of yoga.

And then I left Starbucks, because it felt weird to sit at a table with a stranger. 

There is a lot more in my brain, but I'll let it sit there while I sleep. I'm trying not to be cynical about the things I'm learning at training. I'm learning lots of good things, but they lack foundation. Love people. That's a good thing. I can affirm that. But why love people? Because a yogi said so? My life-lens is not yoga, it's the Gospel. Yoga is just another thing that I do and see through the lens of the Gospel. Or, at least I'm trying to.

Sleepy time. I'm going to buy a buckwheat pillow tomorrow in hopes that my neck will stop cricking. 


Sunday, August 19, 2012

life is crazy

so I bought a new notebook to make me feel better. It usually does, until I draw crappily in it and get sad that I am not a good artist like my sisters. My mom is even an artist. She has handwriting like a robot trained in cursive. She is shocking with her left handed, surprising drawing skills. In church I drew a fat arm with a bracelet on it (a bracelet that I'm going to make) and Tyler commented, "That is a long neck." Then I added hair to the arm, and fingers. I have hairy arms and they are gross in Winter.

Tyler is moving stuff into our new church building. Yeah, we got a building and I'm glad. We've been a mobile church for almost 6 years.

He took me to breakfast this morning at First Watch (strong coffee), and then to Barnes and Noble where I bought the "sketchbook." He said, "No! I forbid you from buying that notebook!" because he knows how I like to stare at notebooks. It's not the idea of a blank sheet of paper, it's the idea and the false hope that I get from a new notebook that I'll fill it with my genius and feel whole. Well, I know that will not be the case. But, I do love going through my college notebooks and laughing at myself. I just recycled all of them the other day. I mostly wrote about my good poops and how much I disliked some of my professors. And how stupid every human being on the planet was. Some pages were very dark. Others were hopeful, with lists of my favorite things. Because coffee is a reason to live, and so is nice weather. Well, that's what I held onto, and maybe Jesus was in the coffee. He was somewhere, because I'm here right now.

I sat in the basement and mourned the destiny of my old, messy notebooks (a landfill, because I always think our recycling doesn't really get recycled. or... someone else's 100% recycled notebook) and thanked God for where I am now compared to where I was in college. Glad I don't smell like whiskey when I wake up anymore. Glad Tyler loves me. This morning I wore a shirt that I didn't think matched me. Didn't represent me well. It was too "cute" and my hair was messy. I wanted to change and demanded Tyler take me home after breakfast. He said, "I wish that me telling you that you look adorable was enough for you." So we went to B&N instead, where I bought the notebook.

I'm going to go get some vitamin D. God is always good.


Thursday, August 9, 2012

My ring was found. I truly believed I'd never see it, so thanks to all those people who didn't give up on it. It was just a bit after my last blog post, where I kind of "accepted" losing my wedding ring, that I heard it was found. Also, besides the losing the ring part, my world was being tossed about by general sadness and stress and being crushed and growing. So finding my ring was more like a little detail in the mess.

After my post I thought, "How funny would it be if my yoga teacher called and said she had something for me?" Then I thought I would respond to her, "Well, if it's not my wedding ring, I'm sorry if I'm not too excited." As I played out this dumb scenario in my head, my phone started ringing. It said, "Sarah Blue Bird" and I was like "WEIRD!" I answered, and Sarah said "I think I have something for you." I flipped out. At the moment we weren't sure if it was my ring because she hadn't seen it yet, only gotten a call from the sweets shop next door that they had found a ring with a band by the dumpster. I knew it was mine, but right at the moment on the phone the woman from the shop brought the ring over and gave it to Sarah. She said, "Yes, this is Shannon's. Here, I'll give you a hug from her." I couldn't cry, but I was sweating so much. It was weird, but it was a happy sweat.

Tyler and I drove to yoga all happy and excited. When Sarah gave me the ring and hugged me, I showed it to my training friend, who then hugged me, which got the attention of my other training friend who came over and hugged me, and then word spread around the class that my ring was found and everyone started clapping. That's when my eyes watered. It was so humbling to be around a bunch of people that I don't know super well, but we all have something in common and it's sweet that they all cared, and they all helped me look.

So again, the ring was just the thing that happened during my month of madness. Thankful to have it back. Had it not been returned, we would have moved on. I said it before, but God is funny. And good.

We got a nice storm last night. The lightning was magnificent. The thunder was wonderful. I slept so well. I went in the backyard for a bit to watch. It was just sweet, and made me think of all the times dad took us kids outside when the sirens went off.

My Aunt Freda lost her house in the Mannford fire. She also lost her husband to cancer a few months ago. I've been following her on facebook and I keep seeing her say, "It's just stuff." When she started to evacuate, she got what she could in her car, but her dog would not get in the car. After her house burned down and she finally got back into the neighborhood, her dog was laying where her porch used to be just waiting for her, in good condition - just dirty. Anyway, I've got a list in my head of the women who are like lionesses, or warriors. Freda is on that list, along with Cindy and Kristi. Denise. Mom, Manda, Ange, and Al. I hope to be strong one day, and depend on Jesus like they do... until then I'll have meltdowns over lost wedding rings and you lionesses can hug me and rub my back.

Charlotte is like a lioness, but in a different way (just when she stalks squirrels). This morning I was feeling ballsy, so I left her in the back yard while I went to yoga. From the time I left, I figured Tyler would be back within 15 minutes from the gym. Char hasn't jumped the fence in a good year, but I didn't know if she would think we left her if she saw both of our cars gone. The whole time during yoga I was picturing getting home to my crying husband and either disappeared or dead dog, and the months of guilt. I was stressed, started to get pissed in a certain pose, then I just told myself that for 45 minutes I would not worry about it. It worked. My dog is alive, my husband loves me even though I'm not as responsible as he is.

I'm going to read a book about managing called Hug Your People.

Monday, August 6, 2012

Well, that was dark, guys. I'm feeling better. What's that? Losing your wedding ring isn't the end of the world? I think you might be right.

Tyler still loves me. My yoga training weekend is over. I work every day this week, but short days. So I'm home early today, and it's nice. I might even nap. It's been a while.

I just ate a salad and I'm hungrier. I know it doesn't make sense, but I swear training all weekend just left a hole in my stomach.

Alisha and Leslie, thanks for your comments on the last post. I appreciate your support/input.

I want nachos.

Also, God is good. I'm learning and growing and it's hard but I'm so glad. The process is so ugly, but so necessary... and beautiful in a messy art kind of way.

I have a lot of thoughts, but I can't formulate them at the moment. Please wait anxiously.

With love, Shannon.

Friday, August 3, 2012

Well, sister-friends. Some time has passed and I've had some moments of laughter and stuff... but as soon as I am alone, it gets dark.

It isn't this way, but the evil, black swan part of me sees God saying, "Well, you want something to be sad about?" And then my wedding ring was gone. For two days I was like, "it'll appear on my windowsill or in my car cup holder." But it hasn't. The short story is that for the last year and a half I've taken my wedding ring off at yoga and put it in my shoe with my keys on top of it. Yes, occasionally I took it off by my mat, or left it on the windowsill by accident. Most of the time in my shoe though. This time I got to the truck and realized I didn't have it on and I was thinking I left it on the chair where I sit to put my shoes on after class. It wasn't there. I didn't hear it hit the floor. Everyone there was helping me look for it, and I swear not a soul there would steal a wedding ring.

So, I appreciate prayers. I love those hopeful I-found-mine-in-a-drawer-a-year-later stories. But mine is likely gone. I'm going to check pawn shops. People have told me to call the city. The frustrating part that made me cry myself to sleep last night is that it just doesn't make sense, and I can't seem to remember the details.

This isn't just the ring issue now, this is my stress/depression level. I cry at the drop of a hat. There are times when I can't breathe and I feel nauseous. The panic flutter in my chest. My jaw hurts. My face is stuck looking sad. and I'm thinking, "This again?" I thought I was done with it. My wall is getting thicker.

Last week Tyler said to me, "You're hurting God's feelings." It didn't even make sense to me. That's how far gone my narcissistic brain is. How could a piece of shit hurt God's feelings, I thought... Tyler said I live my life like Jesus didn't die for my sins. I cried very hard.

Anyhow, last night he said, "I think I'm mad at you for losing your ring." and I responded, "I know." I knew it would hit him after a day or two like it did me. I have been known to be irresponsible and to not care for things as I should. Maybe I'm too trusting of people. Yoga was the only thing I ever took my ring off for. I suppose it was irresponsible.

I don't know what to learn from this. I didn't know what to learn when Milton got hit by a car. I just know that I prayed like that Papa Prayer book said to. Of course Milton did not come home and I was so angry at that effing book, but I'm thankful for the closure I had... even though it was not cute or peaceful like I'd hoped. But we have Charlotte now. I guess I'm just looking for that closure. It's not about the money spent or the diamond. If I knew someone crushed it with their car, or that someone stole it and it's in another state now, it would be better than wondering if it was sitting in the bushes on Main Street. It's that my sweet husband picked it out four years ago and he loved it probably as much as I did. I was going to keep it until I was old and never "upgrade" because it was perfect. Then my grandson could have it for his wife and it would be an antique. Ok, so that's not as big of a deal. But we all have dreams.

So I'm wearing my purity ring. It was really brown and gross, but since I started wearing it the silver polished itself. I think I decided I will just wear this. I don't want to pick out something cool. I don't need anything else. Maybe someday when time heals our hearts or my fingers get too fat, Tyler can get me a ring that he loves and I will love it too. No diamond, just a band with my phone number engraved on the inside. 

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Last night I was feeling low. So tired, feeling stressed with work and training. When I was laying next to Tyler I just hugged him like I'd die if I let go. I just love him. Sometimes he's the only person that can make me feel okay.

I was planning to get my one class a week at Southtown (where I am doing training) over with this morning at 6:30am... not because I don't like it, but it's not home and it's 45 minutes away. Driving an hour and a half for an hour long class just doesn't feel right, and then your entire morning of your day off is gone and you just want a nap when you get home. So I'm laying in bed complaining and feeling sad and Tyler says, ".... just go to Blue Bird." Sometimes I think I married a genius.

I went to class at Blue Bird this morning, and it was good. Felt like crying a few times. I'm at the brink of PMS I'm sure, but I'm not 100% sure because I never freaking keep track. I was about to ask my teacher to go to coffee with me, but I was feeling insecure, and I don't like asking her to do stuff in front of other people in class... because I think I have a complex about being a teacher's pet. Wow, I just made that connection. High school scarred me, and people are broken. Anyway, so I left, feeling mopey and dumb. But then I text messaged her and we ended up meeting for coffee. It's amazing how one little/big thing can change the course of your day. It was great coffee, and I'm so glad we got to talk. We talked about doing things with purpose, practice, babies, weird neighbors, how God does weird/awesome things to you that usually don't make sense until later.

I'm going to make Tyler some muffins and buy some sports bras. We give Charlotte old shirts sometimes to chew on, but then she thinks it's ok to chew all cloth things. Then I put on a bra and the strap just breaks like it wasn't even sewn on... then I realize it was hanging by a thread because Charlotte was bored.

Last night we were laying in bed playing with Char, and then it was sleep time so Tyler said, "Char, go to your bed," in a low, serious, but kind voice. Her eyes got low, her ears went back, and she looked very serious while taking a step back from us. He said again, "Char, go on." Then she turned and hopped down into her bed. It was probably the sweetest thing I've ever seen her do. She's just a dog, but man she struggles with being close to us (because she loves so terribly much) and being obedient. Gosh, I love her.

This gray day just needs some rain. Pray for it. We need it.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

I've been trying to blog for a few days, but every time I sit down I don't feel "inspired." Truly. If I'm not feeling it, I can't post anything and I feel like I've wasted my time... and whoever is reading this.

Well, it's my day off... minus a conference call that just happens to be in the middle of the yoga class I planned to attend.

After my experience at a yoga class at The Yoga Room on Brookside in Tulsa, I have had some doubts about doing yoga teacher training. It occurred to me during the class that all yoga is connected. If I do my normal yoga here and someone goes to weird yoga somewhere else, that person is only going to connect the two and say, "What you're doing is weird. Tell me what's different between the two." My answer would be that I do yoga for health and strength, and I don't get creepy chills when I walk in the door. But really, it's all the same - just different levels of where you take it.

Last night I met with my training girls and we talked about things we were dealing with related to training. Everyone was overwhelmed with the homework. I never seem to let homework bother me, if you can imagine that. But the overwhelming part for me is seeing how what I believe about God impacts what I am learning in training. What does the Gospel say about doing a pose that's a great hip opener, but represents some goddess that people used to worship because she'd represented fertility? I just made all that up, but I'm sure it's out there. I mean, what's the big deal? Some days it's not a big deal to me. Other days I say, "Hey, Shannon. Why are you doing this?"

Well, I'd like to be able to do the splits. I'd like to be strong enough to fold forward and raise my legs up slowly into a handstand (my teacher can do that. it's amazing). But, why do I want to do that? Because it's awesome. And also, it's good for my spine, and I want to live to be old with white hair.

It boils down to health, really. Meditation is healthy, too, and the bible says to meditate. It just depends what you meditate on.

So there. Thank you for letting me come to this conclusion while I type. I had no idea what to think fifteen minutes ago. It feels right to struggle with things.

When I can't sleep, I imagine teaching a class to my sisters and mom and friends in Tulsa in a room in my house. It's a good class, and you guys love it. I'm a good teacher.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

We had a sand volleyball game last night at New Town. The team we played was deaf. One of our subs is an ASL interpreter, so it worked out. She kept signing to them "I'm horrible," and "stop serving to me" and they kept laughing. It was a fun game, and we actually won.

I picked Allison up for breakfast this morning at First Watch (I got a pancake with bacon and cheddar in it) and then we went to Joann's for some fabric and dye. I'm going to make these ponytail holders that don't break your hair off, and they're cute too. My yoga teacher gave me one, and it's the only one I use. I used to lose ponytail holders left and right, but I've had this one for a few months. It's nice just having one instead of 38.

Allison and I talked about an article she read claiming that sharing your goals with people tricks your brain into thinking you've accomplished them already because of the praise one typically gets for setting the goals in the first place. I totally believe it, but I think it's good to have three people to share them with. Or just one. Or you can just blog them for the world :) Either way, she shared a goal and I said, "That's awesome... I mean, it's whatever." No praise for her!

Something I've been realizing is that I think I'm always right and that other people are stupid. Also, I am cynical. It makes me sad. I feel like it's too late to be meek and mild, because I'm already not. It's like once you cook a burger you can't make it raw again (but I guess you can throw it away and just eat vegetables). Maybe I can trick my brain. Maybe if I fake it, my brain will believe me and I'll just start thinking sweetly about everyone. I caught myself trying to "nicely" point out someone's  flawed thinking in a manipulative way. Then I kept justifying myself... until finally I had to just apologize.

I know it's not true. I don't have to fake it. Jesus is making all things new, and he can uncook my burger heart.

I'm a blessed little kid.

Monday, July 9, 2012

Ponder anew what the Almighty can do

Seems like when I get back from a trip, I move on so quickly that I never blog about what I did. Here's a short list:

Drove to Springfield, stayed with Lacy and Dustin. We went to eat, played darts, talked about Kombucha, went to bed at 1:30 am, left the next morning for Tulsa.

Drove to Tulsa to pick my brother up from the airport (surprise for the whole family) but he hitch hiked from the airport to the house instead. Swam in the pool. Drank beer. Played with nieces and nephews. Shot off fireworks. Went to a weird yoga class. Went to dinner with the fam. Spent an afternoon with Ange. Had a surprise breakfast with Amanda and her kids and hub. Spent an afternoon hanging with Al in the pool. Went shopping with my mom and got a pedicure. Swam at night. Ate Taco Bueno. Bought new earrings and a watch. Took good naps. Watched a few movies. Took my bro to the airport at 5 am (woke up at 4), drove to St. Charles, went to church, went to lunch, took a 4 hour nap.

Yesterday we made almond butter, cold brew coffee, and finished making my kombucha tea (which has to sit for another week). I also finished season two of Downton Abbey. Can't wait for season 3.

Anyhow. I guess listing off everything I did doesn't seem too exciting for you to read, which is why I never do it. But, it was a fantastic trip home.

Now I work every day this week.

Something I've noticed - when I was interning at Connections to Success, I did a lot of things that helped motivate me. I made lists, I set goals, I was encouraged by awesome speakers, I was around people that made incredible steps forward. It was just a motivating atmosphere. So now that I'm in an atmosphere where "success" is a moving target (literally, my store does something awesome and the next day it's like "do better"), I don't get to make lists very often because I'm always moving... I just don't make time to set goals for myself. I set them for the store. I spend so much time trying to get other people to have the same attitude as me that I don't get much time to work on stuff outside of work.

So this is what I realized - last Summer I set three big goals. To be a store manager, to become a yoga teacher, and to play the piano. All of these things felt pretty far away, besides the store manager thing (that happened after a month of setting the goal). But now, here I am in teacher training. So that's great... and now there is a keyboard sitting in my basement. Once teacher training is complete and I have no more homework, I'm going to spend a great deal of effort learning the piano again.

The end. Time for homework.

Monday, July 2, 2012

Yesterday on my lunch break at training, Tyler sent me a verse -


May you be strengthened with all power, according to his glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy, giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in light. He has delivered us from the domain of darkness and transferred us to the kingdom of his beloved Son, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins. (that's something to sing about, and meditate on).

(Colossians 1:11-14 ESV)

And it was very sweet. In the midst of hearing all kinds of stuff that wasn't the gospel, it was nice to be reminded. And who better than my thoughtful husband.

I'm so very excited to leave tomorrow after work to head to Tulsa. It'll be a great time. We're stopping in Springfield to see Lacy and Dustin. Ah, what a lovely week I have ahead of me. I need to find a place to practice while I'm there.

Time to pack.

Saturday, June 30, 2012

Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright.

You know how when you say, "My husband is so awesome. Everything is so good right now!" to your friends, and then you go home and get in a fight and go to sleep sad? Well, I suppose it works that way with everything. In my last post I bragged about my store. Well, we didn't win the shoes. It was a competition between stores (never mentioned to us) as well as just hitting the goal in the first place. We got second place. So rather than $170 customized 993s (for free) we got Jimmy Johns. JIMMY JOHNS. Ok. Let's just say I was so disappointed I nearly cried, but also my staff was like WTF. I told my boss he needed to be more clear with the directions, and that eating Jimmy Johns was more like a punishment at this point. Barf. It's over with though.

Anyway, now work is very hard. I had a dream a few nights ago about my old Assistant Manager crying and begging me not to "submit the evidence" against him. I woke up bummed out. My boss is all up in my space telling me to have all these difficult conversations and schedule less. July first begins the new fiscal year and I can start fresh. I'm just hoping to hit my goals.

Until then, I will be at my parents house relaxing and planning my future of not working in a shoe store. It's a ways away, but it's there.

This weekend I started teacher training. The guy teaching us is like the Tim Keller of the yoga. So to some people it's like, "Oh cool. Yoga Teacher Training," but in the yoga world it's like "Whoa! He adjusted your form?! What's he like in person?"

I have been sufficiently prepared for practice there, thanks to my teachers. We're learning alignment, anatomy, history, and philosophy.

It's good, but it is tiring. We practice for an hour and fifteen minutes, then go over alignment/anatomy for 3 hours. Lunch break, history, practice, philosophy, breathing. We have done chanting, and it is oddly fun. Maybe it's just because I love to sing. But I found myself dying to harmonize, which I think defeats the purpose of the "union."

Here is a cool story though. There were these monks who sang, pretty much all day every day. A new "head monk" (you'll find I don't explain any of this stuff correctly) came in and said "Hey, all this singing is archaic. Let's stop." (they'd been singing for hundreds of years) So they stopped. They all got sick. Doctors came in and changed their diet, changed their sleeping habits. They were still sick. Another doctor came in and asked what they were doing differently, and told them to keep singing. They sang again and they were well.

Apparently the root of the word "sound" is actually "health" (somehow, some way... it just is, or so I was told). It's just kind of cool singing with a group of sort-of strangers. We started in a big circle, and after singing for ten minutes I opened my eyes and I couldn't believe how far apart we were because it felt like we were in a great pile. And it's pretty. Have you heard monk music? We used to listen to it in voice lessons with Billie Thomas. Loved it.

Anyway, one more day this weekend. Tomorrow from 9-4.

Like I said a few months ago, I think if anything that this training will strengthen my faith in Jesus. But please pray for me. I expect to hear some stuff that is so opposite of the Gospel, but I've met so many people and I'm excited about where I can take this training and use it.

Last thing. Today I told my friends from my yoga studio (I'm going with four other girls) that my mantra (I used that word to sound yogish) is "I eat this shit for breakfast" because I have to say that to make me feel tough like I can do whatever pose for however long they make us. We had a good laugh. That's not a very peaceful mantra, but I like it.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Custom Designed 993's

I have to share this. I'm flipping out.

This morning I got an email about a sales competition. Basically, we had to do 10% more net sales than we did last year on June 20th, and on top of that each ticket had to have an average of 2 or more items on it.

We ended the day about 30% up from last year with an average of 2.15 items per ticket, and we're all getting custom designed 993's as a reward. That's a shoe.

I'm flipping out because my store is awesome. I love my staff and they love me and we work hard.


Sunday, June 17, 2012

I spent my evening running a trail with Tyler and Charlotte. It was awesome. Then we made a green smoothie for dinner, because we ate a boatload of freaking pork for lunch. Sick. I'm so done with meat. It grosses me out.

Char is laying next to me on the couch chewing on an old quilt. Tyler is watching Heat vs. Thunder.

I just read on my facebook that another one of my friends doesn't believe in God anymore. Deep sadness. I've been praying more lately... and the more I pray, the more I realize I need to pray even more.

I think I want to be a runner again. After running tonight, I have no desire to drink a beer or eat badly. Yoga is great, but real cardio does something for me. I wouldn't call yoga a true cardio workout... unless you do like a painful amount of sun salutations. It's just not the same as running through a trail and dodging tree branches and jumping over rocks and hobos. Yeah, I'll never go by myself because that'll be the one time I come across hobos doing a drug deal and I'll be shot and thrown into the abyss of the MO River.

When I have come up with scenarios like this in the past, people have said... "You think stuff like this all the time, don't you?" Yes, yes I do. Water will drown you, tornadoes will suck you up, and people will murder you. I'm surprised I have so much fun. I'm thankful I don't have as much anxiety as I used to. God is good.

I'm going to read The Neverending Story now.

Saturday, June 16, 2012

Rough week

I've decided to move on from my last post's sadness. I won't mention it again. I've said all I can and need to. I'm sure my sadness will slowly go away. I will stop crying in the shower, and on my way home from work, and before bed. And I will take enough Melatonin to make me fall asleep so I don't toss and turn wondering about if I had made a different choice. I'll eat more than coffee. I'll live like God is good and has a plan so much better than mine.

But, I will say this. I gave Tyler this example of my guilt/sadness. It feels like when you're dating someone, you get along well, you enjoy each other's company for the most part... but you just can't see yourself marrying the person. So you fire them, and they are crushed, and you just feel really really bad, while knowing that you couldn't/wouldn't have had it any other way. I know I made the right choice. I'm just praying that God works in his life and that one day he'll look back and see purpose in all this shit. If you don't know what I'm talking about then you'll just have to read the previous post. And for some reason I can only relate firing someone with dating them, but it wasn't that way in the least.

K, I'm done.

Tyler took me to Trailhead for dinner. Our awesome bartender named Andy had his last nigh tonight. I got a nice long hair embedded into the cheese on my nachos, and it wasn't mine. He gave us everything on the house. We left a fat-ish tip, because we love him. It's always good when someone moves on in the world, from bar tender to web-designer. We'll miss him.

We're home now. Tyler is playing Indelible Grace and Char Girl is staring out the window and bumping the blind strings with her face, licking them occasionally.

Our plants are growing well now.

And all of these things, I wouldn't trade them for a million stars.

God is good, always.

Tomorrow we're going to the Wheeler's for lunch for Father's Day. It will be good.

Goodnight.


Thursday, June 14, 2012

I fired someone today

It was my Assistant Manager. We had worked together for a year and a half. I slept horribly Tuesday night, thought about it all day Wednesday on my day off, slept horribly Wednesday night... and then came this morning when it all went down. Oh, don't feel bad for me. I have a job, and my guilt will go away probably never... I just hope I can go get my brain erased. I'll re-meet all of you guys and love you just the same, minus the guilt I have now for taking the job of a 30-year-old man with two car payments, a mortgage, a wife, and baby on the way.

But, last night while I wasn't sleeping and my brain and heart were racing, I rolled over and pecked Tyler on the shoulder. I thought he woke up, but I found out this morning that what he said to me after the peck on the shoulder was all in his sleep. It went like this: "BABE... you're my best friend in the whole wide world and I wouldn't trade you for a million stars..." like a 7-year-old. It was so cute that I died laughing and said, "Well, I'd probably trade you for a unicorn." He said, "I think I'd trade you just for a quadricorn." Then I laughed more and he asked me to stop laughing because he was being serious.

He likes me so much, but mostly just in his sleep when he reverts to being a kid with a crush. I also mentioned to him that he couldn't do anything with a million stars and that they would burn him.

Anyway. Letting my Assistant Manager go was probably the hardest thing I've ever done. Truly. And maybe that's disappointing that I can't think of anything else harder than this instance, but I can't. I had managers telling me that I made the right decision, and just oodles and oodles of support and sweetness coming my way. One manager even told me she loved me. So I have support from 12 people, and I will be a sore spot for one person for the rest of his life. I just sobbed so hard after he left the store and I was alone in my office.

However, I have been praying for people at work who aren't Christians. Each time I pray for them I think to myself, "I'm praying for them to need Jesus, which requires a realization that they can't do it themselves, which usually means hitting rock bottom... which I do not want to happen to someone at work." So, maybe this will be the rock bottom. Maybe, somehow.... I don't know. Please pray for him though.

I will certainly be crying myself to sleep tonight. I cried on my way home today. About every half hour I remember his hurt face of shock and sadness and it cuts me to the quick, and I think about the magnitude of my decision... but I know it was the right one.

This feeling is kind of like someone died. Only time will heal my sadness, but I will be reminded of it periodically.