I took a benadryl last night. I slept like a freaking rock. I slept in until 8:45. I got to yoga at 9:30 and no one else showed up. I used to stick around and get a one-on-one class, but now that I'm thinking more like a teacher I give them an out. But, my teacher and I both agreed we'd practice for a half hour and get some coffee. It was perfect. It is good to practice with a friend.
Then I discovered goat cheese and my day continued to be good.
The other day I asked a woman at church what her child's name was. I made a rule for myself that I will now ask "What's your precious baby's name?" instead of saying his/her name. But I hadn't made that rule yet, so I said "What's her name?" Her child is a boy and his name is Emmett. Not a big deal, but I make everything a big deal. I said, "I'm so sorry. I don't know anything about your baby." And what I meant was, Your baby is 4 months old and I haven't taken the time to love you and get to know one of the biggest parts of your life. It just happens that way though. My church is growing, but I need to branch out more.
I feel like I'm especially offensive to mothers since I have been married for more than three years and don't have kids yet. Maybe they think I'm some kind of selfish little millennial who thinks babies are yucky and asks ignorant questions and doesn't know the first thing about the meaning of sacrifice. I know most of this stuff is false and I'm making it up, but I have had these thoughts.
So I just feel like an ignorant child around moms. I was holding a sweet baby last night and he started to stretch. He arched his back and his head rolled off to the side, looking like I was tossing him to and fro.
Anyway, I wrote the mom an email (the one who's child's gender I confused). Her response started with, "Oh, Shannon. We are so much alike." I can't tell you how much weight was lifted off of my shoulders. I'm such a freak sometimes. I actually woke up in the middle of the night and cried about it. And right after I spoke to her I went to the bathroom and cried.
I know that all of us are in different places. I'm an insecure girl who wants babies but always makes them cry or doesn't know how old they should be when they start tying their shoes or talking. Moms have their own insecurities. I always just think, "I hope that person has experienced grace like I have." Because if they have, then they likely will show it to me. If they haven't, all I can do is apologize and pray. And remember that a few people love me and God will always love me.
Lastly. My dear friend whom I love told me that sometimes your dreams are ways for your emotions to let themselves out when you won't let those emotions out in real life. Other ways that happens is when something small strikes a chord, like calling a boy a girl and crying about it for three days. This is all happening to me. I am happy and not really stressed, but something is lurking in my brain. I just need to go to counseling and get it over with.
With peace, Shannon.