life is crazy

so I bought a new notebook to make me feel better. It usually does, until I draw crappily in it and get sad that I am not a good artist like my sisters. My mom is even an artist. She has handwriting like a robot trained in cursive. She is shocking with her left handed, surprising drawing skills. In church I drew a fat arm with a bracelet on it (a bracelet that I'm going to make) and Tyler commented, "That is a long neck." Then I added hair to the arm, and fingers. I have hairy arms and they are gross in Winter.

Tyler is moving stuff into our new church building. Yeah, we got a building and I'm glad. We've been a mobile church for almost 6 years.

He took me to breakfast this morning at First Watch (strong coffee), and then to Barnes and Noble where I bought the "sketchbook." He said, "No! I forbid you from buying that notebook!" because he knows how I like to stare at notebooks. It's not the idea of a blank sheet of paper, it's the idea and the false hope that I get from a new notebook that I'll fill it with my genius and feel whole. Well, I know that will not be the case. But, I do love going through my college notebooks and laughing at myself. I just recycled all of them the other day. I mostly wrote about my good poops and how much I disliked some of my professors. And how stupid every human being on the planet was. Some pages were very dark. Others were hopeful, with lists of my favorite things. Because coffee is a reason to live, and so is nice weather. Well, that's what I held onto, and maybe Jesus was in the coffee. He was somewhere, because I'm here right now.

I sat in the basement and mourned the destiny of my old, messy notebooks (a landfill, because I always think our recycling doesn't really get recycled. or... someone else's 100% recycled notebook) and thanked God for where I am now compared to where I was in college. Glad I don't smell like whiskey when I wake up anymore. Glad Tyler loves me. This morning I wore a shirt that I didn't think matched me. Didn't represent me well. It was too "cute" and my hair was messy. I wanted to change and demanded Tyler take me home after breakfast. He said, "I wish that me telling you that you look adorable was enough for you." So we went to B&N instead, where I bought the notebook.

I'm going to go get some vitamin D. God is always good.