I fired someone today

It was my Assistant Manager. We had worked together for a year and a half. I slept horribly Tuesday night, thought about it all day Wednesday on my day off, slept horribly Wednesday night... and then came this morning when it all went down. Oh, don't feel bad for me. I have a job, and my guilt will go away probably never... I just hope I can go get my brain erased. I'll re-meet all of you guys and love you just the same, minus the guilt I have now for taking the job of a 30-year-old man with two car payments, a mortgage, a wife, and baby on the way.

But, last night while I wasn't sleeping and my brain and heart were racing, I rolled over and pecked Tyler on the shoulder. I thought he woke up, but I found out this morning that what he said to me after the peck on the shoulder was all in his sleep. It went like this: "BABE... you're my best friend in the whole wide world and I wouldn't trade you for a million stars..." like a 7-year-old. It was so cute that I died laughing and said, "Well, I'd probably trade you for a unicorn." He said, "I think I'd trade you just for a quadricorn." Then I laughed more and he asked me to stop laughing because he was being serious.

He likes me so much, but mostly just in his sleep when he reverts to being a kid with a crush. I also mentioned to him that he couldn't do anything with a million stars and that they would burn him.

Anyway. Letting my Assistant Manager go was probably the hardest thing I've ever done. Truly. And maybe that's disappointing that I can't think of anything else harder than this instance, but I can't. I had managers telling me that I made the right decision, and just oodles and oodles of support and sweetness coming my way. One manager even told me she loved me. So I have support from 12 people, and I will be a sore spot for one person for the rest of his life. I just sobbed so hard after he left the store and I was alone in my office.

However, I have been praying for people at work who aren't Christians. Each time I pray for them I think to myself, "I'm praying for them to need Jesus, which requires a realization that they can't do it themselves, which usually means hitting rock bottom... which I do not want to happen to someone at work." So, maybe this will be the rock bottom. Maybe, somehow.... I don't know. Please pray for him though.

I will certainly be crying myself to sleep tonight. I cried on my way home today. About every half hour I remember his hurt face of shock and sadness and it cuts me to the quick, and I think about the magnitude of my decision... but I know it was the right one.

This feeling is kind of like someone died. Only time will heal my sadness, but I will be reminded of it periodically.