Stories and Reasons for things

Here's a story. Leon loves trash can pedals. He plays with them for quite some time. No need to hover over him and make sure of his safety. Pedals are safe, right?! Ok, well, he is fast and I didn't see him crawl to the stairs. I was in the other room in a place where I could see him... distracted by, none other than, Facebook himself.

Several minutes go by, I still hear, what I think is, banging on the trash can. Then I hear tumble, tumble, tumble. Yeah, probably three tumbles, maybe just one, or possibly two. I don't know. I sprinted into the kitchen to see no baby by the trash can and for that split second I'm thinking all kinds of thoughts. Aliens, magic. Where is my baby. On the floor at the base of the stairs is where he was. The horror. I scoop him up, he's crying. And like a horrified, panicked mother who can hardly cry out words I cry, o'er and o'er, "I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE ON THE STAIRS! I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE ON THE STAIRS! I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE ON THE STAIRS! I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE ON THE STAIRS!" And that went on for some time, as I rocked my sad baby the way an insane woman would rock in the corner of an asylum. He was fine. Very quickly he was fine. Not a mark on him, and I said lots of thankful prayers. I nursed him back to health and he napped.

Here are some reasons for deactivating my facebook. It had, ultimately, nothing to do with anyone else besides myself. But to be so sucked into coming up with a response to someones comment that you don't see your 8 month old crawl to the stairs. Well. I don't need to continue that thought process. I had a million excuses, such as, Facebook is how I follow all the blogs/websites/see what my family is doing. That's where I communicate with my community, my church, my mom friends that I hang out with during the day (I NEED THAT), that's where I chat daily with my friend Allison. Not having Facebook would cause me to miss out on invites, on big news. People won't see Leon! This happened last time I deactivated. I made so many excuses until in one minute I just decided and did it. So that's what I did. I know people will so miss my posts about shit that's in your food, or why you should do this or that. How will they live? Will they be okay? Will they miss me? And to answer those questions, people won't know I'm gone.

Facebook starts out great. It does. I made friends there I wouldn't know otherwise. But it's not real. I wrote a post while back about this, but couldn't bring myself to post it for fear it would suggest that all facebookers are in the wrong. I'm not suggesting that. For me, I'm just bothered by how easily you can unfriend or hide and just not deal with things (that you normally wouldn't have to deal with in real life, or if you did you would deal with them differently). Or that people who don't speak to me in public will want to get into a debate about something via my wall. That's interesting. There are a lot of ways to look at it, and I'm certainly guilty of doing all the bad things on my Facebook List of Bad Things. But it occurred to me that the more social media and less true interaction with people, with nature, with Real Life, the less empathy I have. The more judgy I am. The less time I spend watching my boy do the most miraculous things, like rub his eyes and chew on a book.

So I did it, and let me tell you that it's liberating. It is. If you've thought about it, I can't choose the right moment for you, but let me encourage you to just do it. And actually, Facebook asked me why I was deactivating. I wrote, "You are ruining the world." I hope that gave an employee of Facebook a good laugh. I laughed when I typed it.

Now when I hop on the computer, I'm off in about five minutes, as opposed to perhaps an entire nap time of waste. When your husband comes home from work and asks about your day and your response is mostly Facebook news... it's time.

Alright. I'll be done now.

but then there's grace

This morning Leon and I went outside as soon as Tyler left for work. It's so glorious. I brought a basket of toys, my coffee, a sketch book, and my jar of sharpies that I just invested in. And Charlotte.

I had about four minutes and 37 seconds to make a list while Leon chewed on Sharpies. I think I'll just glue them shut and let him have them. As if I'm going to draw anyway. However, it is on my List.

My other list. Not the list I made today. The one I made today had to do with blogging, because on my other list of Things I Would Like To Do, I wrote "blog purposefully." What better way to do that than to make another list specifically about blogging purposefully.

I usually get on here and haphazardly (I love using that word - it makes me feel likeI have actually experienced enough life to throw it out there and people will be like, "Oh, wow, she's experienced life. She can use the word haphazardly) spew my emotional stuff and work through things as I type. Sometimes I leave it open where my brain hasn't finished processing and it leaves everyone on a very ugly note, but that just happens to be where my heart is at the moment (most moments).

The fact is that if everything doesn't end with "but then there's grace," then yuck. Wretch. So here is my apology to you, my Sisters with a big s, and my actual brother (the only man that reads this blog). I am sorry if I have hurt you with my black and white tips for "living fully" and left you out or made you feel badly. All I ever want is to share stuff I love that's working for me, but then I share as if it will save all of mankind because I think it will save me sometimes. Yes, in fact, Oil Pulling will save you. Cure your ails, make you skin tags fall of and make your baby stop crying and give you a good poop (this is a lie).

Tyler and I have some money left over from his car accident because we bought a cheap honda. We were discussing some things we'd like to get/do (go on a Costco splurge and buy ALL THE NUTS) and I mentioned a few "health" items I'd like to look into (water filter, glass containers). Wherever you stand, it doesn't matter. I was in the wrong because my heart wants to eco-friendlify, clean, purify, every part of our life, because hopefully THEN, then we will live to be 120 and never get ear infections and people will see us and say "How do you do it?!" and I'll say "Oh, we use glass containers instead of plastic to store our food," and BAM. We made it (our friends use glass containers and they are pretty and I wanna be like my friends).

I acknowledge to you that I am a psychopath and I find my worth in, and I idolize, being healthy, and I think everyone should have the same convictions as me. I also judge people harshly, at least in my mind, if not outright for all the world to see, for making choices that I don't agree with. And then, as I watch my addiction to being healthy spiral in the horror film of my mind, I see myself at the point of living off the grid to get away from all the bad stuff, including people, sleeping in a faraday bed, and I'm healthy but I am lonely because I have alienated every person. I'll never forget reading Into The Wild, and at the end of the book he carved into the table "happiness only real when shared." Maybe he wrote it. I don't remember. Maybe it's cheesy to hold onto that quote, but I did.

So there's that.

But then there's grace. Don't forget it, and I'll try to remember too. And we can remind each other.

Also on my list of Things I Would Like To Do:
Learn to weave
Plant a garden
Put a Free Little Library in my yard

Today is hard. Leon is refusing to nap, yet he is so tired and is all over me but cries whether I'm holding him or letting him play. It's not crying though, it's yelling. He has an excited yell and he has a I-want-something-I-don't-have yell.

We tried laying down. I got him to sleep for 15 minutes, which was plenty for him. Again, by the time he woke up and was yelling, snot was dripping out of my nose. So I let him get up and he's happy (and will be for about 20 minutes). He just crawled, layed down for 30 seconds, got up and now he's singing and bouncing while holding onto his highchair.

I was changing his diaper, which is nearly impossible because he arches his back and flips over, and one of the snaps came off of my diapers. At this point, I was so frustrated that I just yelled "AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" like out of anger, totally, and then he cried. And I felt like shit.

I just gave him a handout from a yoga training, because paper is so soft and yummy when it gets wet.

And I need to confess something. My post from yesterday about eating meat/not eating meat... well if you feel judged, then I don't blame you. Health isn't your savior. Well, it could be your earthly one, but you get what I'm saying. Sorry I'm kind of a jerk.

Leon needs me.

Having a wild kid. Eating vegetarian(ish). Being judgy.

Leon was the wildest boy in the nursery yesterday, and I'm not saying it like it was a competition and we won. If it were, I'd say we lost. It was embarassing. Tyler and I were working in the nursery and all the other kids were literally sitting on their butts chewing on something. They were quiet and cute. It was so weird and awesome. And Leon is like a tornado crawling back and forth between Tyler and I, yell-crying, standing at the gate and yelling. I said, "Tyler, he's 'that kid' and we're 'those parents.'"

The hard part is that he should be taking a nap during the 9am service, which is when we normally serve, and when he's home it's fine... but when other babies or lots of people are around, he's kind of a wreck. I felt bad. Maybe he's trying to tell me he's an introvert.

But when the sun hits the floor in the dining room in the morning, he crawls too it and sits in it and says "bwa bwa bwa bwa. Mamamama." It's so cute.

I have been watching documentaries, mostly to do with food, and they are convicting. I watched Vegucated, which is of course cheesy, but still good. One guy said it well - that if we knew how the animals we ate were treated, we would have to deny our own empathy in order to continue eating those animals/supporting that company. Aside from how they're treated, they are disgusting. Pumped full of medicine to kill their diseases since they are eating food that they aren't meant to eat. Crammed into places they shouldn't be crammed, getting infections that are soaked out with ammonia later. My point is, sure, enjoy meat on occasion. But you don't need it every meal, or even every day. And if you do eat it, if you are a person who is in pursuit of restoration, you should know where your food came from and how it was grown/treated. Animals and plants.... Is that extreme? Too black and white? This is a sincere sorry, but I'm also just telling you my reason for doing something. That's just what I think. You can eat meat. I guess I just encourage thoughtfulness. Not about people's feelings! About what you eat :)

I told my friend, when we were talking about yoga once, that I don't approach yoga with an oblivious mindset or one of fear that I will convert to Hinduism, but with purpose. I think we should know why we do what we do, which includes ALL THINGS. Food, parenting, our daily activities, our routine. And then thank God for grace because sometimes Five Guys sounds good, or whatever.

So anyway, I've been attempting to eat vegetarian at least through breakfast and lunch, if not dinner as well... which means feeling lighter, eating bigger servings of fruits veggies nuts and greens, and pooping more. I've realized that pooping=happiness.

This wacky weather is killing my allergies. So much snot and sneezes. I asked about ear candles on the Natural Mama's facebook page, because I was curious about them for relieving pressure in my ears/head. A lady responded, answering none of my questions about ear candles, giving me all of her advice about oils and which ones to use (as if, of course, I have the DoTerra home kit and diffuser because every Natural Mom does), which is one of the reasons why oily people have a bad name. They do. I'm sorry. I love oils. I love my friends and family who use oils. I USE THEM. But they are not the answer to every question. I also know that oils can help with allergies, but I wasn't asking about oils. At all. I wanted to know about ear candles. It's like asking what kind of stroller you should buy and someone telling you to read the Babywise book.

Anyway, sometimes you just have to get your baby to sleep and he's ALMOST THERE and maybe there is snot dripping down your face because you were out of lavender oil and the toilet paper roll is just out of reach. That just happened to me.