Hello. I find my self wanting to blog less and less these days. I have been quite busy lately. Leon is growing and napping and eating and sticking his tongue out and spitting. Today during communion I was standing at the back of church and it was the point right after Trey said "come as you're ready," where it's quiet for 5 seconds and the music hasn't started... And Leon filled his diaper LOUD. The whole back row turned around. It was so loud that it caught me off guard and my face was drop jawed and eyes big, but I got a bunch of smiles.
He also napped belly down, butt up during church in the row of chairs. It was so freaking cute. I didn't think to take a picture.
What's happened lately... We moved upstairs, got a king size bed. It's wonderful. Windows open, attic fan running. You could break in and I wouldn't even know it. Seriously. Just stay downstairs. You can have the microwave. And the tv. If you come upstairs I will murder you. Trust me, I've thought it all through.
My mom came to visit. We had a relaxing time of walking and sipping coffee and napping and shopping and drinking wine and snuggling Leon. She babysat while Tyler and I went on a date and while I went to yoga and while Tyler was in class and I was with friends. It was great. I can't wait to come home next month.
I have a new friend. She asks me questions I never think of like "what are your spiritual gifts?" And "what do you feel like your life calling is?" And I'm like, "coffee is good, and I'm learning how to knit...?" There is certainly something to be said for the disciplines I was brought up with, which I have not been accustomed to for a long, long time. Growing up, I prayed constantly, out of fear, confessing every little thing because when I needed God's help, a little white lie had better not be blocking him from hearing me! Please note: exclamation points usually mean facetiousness or admittance of foolishness. Prayer is just one weird thing. I'm scared to pray sometimes, but damn it, I am constantly praying for God to give babies to people who want them. Or to give a mate to people who are lonely. Or to make broken things whole again.
And all the other ones. Reading the bible, meditating, etc. sometimes I don't brush my teeth until 3 pm. You think I meditate?
I purpose to. I make lists, and those lists feel good and almost replace the actual acting out of those lists.
We picked out a verse for Leon's dedication. It's Zephaniah 3:17 The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save. He will rejoice over you with gladness, he will quiet you with his love, he will exult over you with loud singing.
I think if I read that every morning, I would be a different person. But do I? I want my baby to remember that when he feels worthless, when he feels hopeless, when he is so sad that and crying so hard he can hardly breathe, when he feels lonely. But he won't know it unless I do. And there have been a few times where I've cried so hard I can't breathe. And I'm not talking about being tired of the exersaucer crying. I'm talking, my world is over, I am alone, I am worthless, uncontrollable, hopeless sobbing. He is in our midst. He quiets us with his love. He is making us New.
My sweet Leon. When people ask his name, I tell them, and it's usually silence after, or "oh." Makes me laugh every time. Maybe next time I'll be like "it's French."
My new sandals from www.xeroshoes.com in the background. Oh, and Leon in his Easter outfit.
He loves this thing.
It seems as though my heart is in a constant struggle. I think it might be a little, but a lot if it is in my mind, because I envision this perfect way things should be and I'm a world away from it. But that's life.
I have to make spaghetti for our community group tonight. Ill be done now.