So, I mentioned I'm doing that book study on Jude at the coffee shop I don't like. I told Tyler I was going to stop at Donut King and get my fave donut and take it to the coffee shop. He said I wasn't allowed. Anyway...
This morning someone was paying for their coffee and signed their name on the iPad for the credit card. When they finished they accidentally flopped the iPad screen down on the counter. The owner said, "Careful now. Nice things don't come easy to everyone." I about died laughing, and then I realized that, yes, this man is kind of an ass hole, but you get that way when you deal with all kinds of people. I am not justifying his rudeness, but maybe my heart got a little softer to this weird business owner.
Last week the question I was left with (after the bible study) was what does it look like to contend for the Gospel. Now, my initial answer, honestly, was that I don't really have to. I'm a stay at home mom. No one is threatening my right to believe whatever I want. Obviously that isn't the best answer, but it's truly how I felt. I thought about it all week and realized that not only is my view of the bible and God quite small at times, but my view of myself is so shitty. Don't get me wrong. I LOVE myself. I think I'm so funny, I think I'm right about everything, and that I'm all around pretty awesome. However, I also see myself as kind of worthless... not just as a stay at home mom, but as a woman. As a person. It's so strange how I can feel all these things about myself.
This morning someone asked what kind of coffee I was getting and I said, "I don't know, probably something girly." All things about that sentence bother me. Like that my view of myself reflects my view of women in general. That's not fair. I pretend I'm being ironic sometimes, but it's deep rooted in my insecurity and self-loathing.
This morning I was afraid to read in front of the group. Yeah, I'm still that home schooled little girl who is afraid that people will think she's dumb. Anyway, so I made myself read. And I talk. I share what I'm thinking, and usually it's just honesty about my misconception of the bible or God, or how dark my heart is, or how I don't believe I'm worth using in this Story.
I'm not sad, it's just hitting me how I hear things and say them about myself in my head and actually believe them. A lot of it is men/women things. I think reading Jesus Feminist is bringing it out of me a little more. Ah. Anyway.
Leon was a terror this morning. He's pretty good at throwing a fit when his teeth hurt. We have a pediatrician appt this morning. I'm having to fight off this odd nervousness about it. Like, I want my kid to be above average, I want my breast milk to be magical and have the healthiest kid in the world, I want her to be impressed. Jesus, help me not scar my babies. Goodness. It's not really about Leon, but my abilities as a mom to be the best. I'm praying for God to help me with that. It's ugly.
Well. I was thinking about the dumbs things I say, or the things that maybe seem too honest, or just share to much. I just say a prayer afterward that people will have grace with me. I do that every time I blog too. Wooo, it's scary.