Home, James.

What is that from? All my life my family has said, "Home, James" when it was time to go home. Tyler's real name is James, though I never call him that. But it works out.

We're home. My, it's good to be here. Upon arrival, we slept for three hours, I texted in my sleep (oops). I was thinking we would get home and I'd go to yoga at 9 am, an hour and a half after driving for 12 hours straight. It didn't happen. We felt hung over all day. Like, walking to the kitchen from the living room was severely taxing. I moaned a lot. I drove the last hour and a half of the trip, and I still am amazed at Tyler's selfless ability to drive through the night. I tried to stay up with him. One second, drumming and head banging to The Avett Brothers, the next minute head bobbing to sleep. ROUGH. It was rough.

Tyler has encouraged me to do 10 minutes of cardio on the bike in the mornings - sprinting every minute. I've done it the last two days. It's nice to feel tired from working out. Yoga is good, but I don't push myself like I used to. Gosh, I look back at 5 months ago. I'll be there again someday. This yoga training is going to crush me, but it will be good.

I got to talk with my friend Lauren yesterday. She's good for me. A lot of things have been popping up the last few months - things from high school and college. I've always wanted to see a counselor, but it takes effort. I normally don't do things unless they fall in my lap, because I'm lazy. I think I want to see a counselor because it will be good for me (as it would be for anyone, because we all have issues), but also because I know once you have kids $60-$90 goes toward something else, like diapers or anything besides paying to talk to someone for an hour. I think I need it though. When I was finishing my degree in Social Work, we had to do a 5 minute counseling session with a partner... on video. Barf. I counseled her. She counseled me. When she counseled me... I ended up crying. We had even practiced! After it was over, my professor was like, "Shannon, I've asked you several times... please go see a counselor." The other time she told me to see one was when I had a dream my dad died the night before, and I cried through the entire class. I couldn't stop. Good heavens.

Anyway. Tyler has been losing weight lately. A year ago he was about 12 pounds heavier. Needless to say, he looks very good and we have to buy him new pants. Sometimes when I see a skinny person, I get so excited to be skinny. Really dumb people say, "Oh, your body will NEVER be the same!" And to them I say, "I have sisters that have had four kids each and they look better than ever, so stop being such a shit bag!" Yesterday I had a woman ask how far along I was and then she told me she had a one-year-old. I said, "Aw, how exciting." She was none too thrilled. Made me feel like I needed to give her my condolences. People, stop being so not encouraging. Listen to your words.

I can't tell you how lovely it is to be home and not have to go to work. Three months, and this will be my life, plus a child. Three months. Three months. Three months.

In Colorado, the car shop basically told us to sell our car for parts and buy plane tickets home. I looked - we'd had to have spent nearly a grand to get home via plane. In situations like that, I find it much easier to just say, "We will be taken care of. It's just money," and take a really, really deep breath. But then the car guy was like, "If it were me, I'd wait till dusk and drive through the night with the AC off." We made it, no problem. In the meantime, they changed two censors that they thought didn't fix the problem, so they refunded us $500. We took the car to our mechanic yesterday and he said the car is fixed. Also, Tyler got a big fat scholariship for this semester in the midst of all the car stuff.

Things tend to balance out. Just be alive when they do.

My sister wrote a post about frustrating situations and asking yourself, "What is Jesus doing?" It was good for me to read. I think I usually ask myself, "How can I be better so this doesn't happen again?" And then I make a dumb list that says, "wake up earlier, drink more water, work out, meditate, read books, take a shower in the morning instead of at night." And here I am. Obviously that list has worked really well so far.

Well. I'll leave you with that.

From somewhere in Colorado

Well. When I was little I remember being upset, even crying at times, because I wanted to be Pocahontas. Or someone in a fairytale. Or even Nancy Drew. Surely there was something more exciting out there than being a little girl who accidentally took a bite of a mud pie or cannon balled into a kiddy pool off of a picnic table (pain). Or didn't know the difference between a dime and a nickel. 

I love change (not nickels) so much, and look forward to things like vacation or anything out of the norm So. Much. Like, more than a normal person. 

Well. 1) How cool is it that I can blog on the way home from Colorado and 2) we ended our odd trip a couple of days early. Let me start at the beginning. 

Our car broke down twice on the way there, and three times while we were in CO. In my mind, we would stay in Boulder at a comfy bungalow (what the Landlord called it - it just means they don't mow the lawn) and drive into the chilly mountains, where weird people lived in small communities smoking pot and climbing around. These communities exist. I've seen them, but it was actually really hot, and our car was broken so we couldn't drive far. Hiking made me dizzy and crampy. The amount of $ we had to spend on the car, renting a different car... These things weigh on my husband's mind. Then they weigh on mine. And it hard core dampers our fun. The extent of our entertainment for the most part was walking in the heat to get food or try out a brewery, which is a slight bummer to me and the baby because we love beer. 

I will say the highlight the trip was seeing Jesse, Bri, and their sweet boy Jack. I'd say they made the trip for us. Dare I say, salvaged. We stayed with them the first night, and got dinner with them the next night. Good for the soul. I love them and miss them dearly. 

We did see some sights. They were beautiful for sure. Nederland, Co is one of those towns where people move there to get away and smoke quality cannabis. There is even a store there called Quality Cannabis. We walked around a bit there. Same goes for Eldorado Canyon. Cool place. 

I think I just wanted to get away from the nearest Target. I want to go to a place far away from work politics. Or... Gosh I don't know. A place where there's just raw beauty, not muddied with anything else at all. Sometimes maybe I try so hard for an "experience" that it's too forced. Or its there but I can't see it. 

But this morning as Tyler and I sat in the middle of a river on a rock, I realized I could have stayed there all day. Maybe some experiences don't hold weight until after they're over. And of course the pictures are a nice reminder, but don't do justice. And somehow I can't clear my mind and leave shit behind. I think maybe when I'm done working things will be better. But then there's a whole new batch of stuff. I need to learn how to meditate. And pay attention to Jesus. 

In other news, this child is a boy and it kicks hard. Like, makes me holler. Maybe it's a girl. But now I think it's a boy. 

Anyway, the sun is setting, praise God. No AC in hopes of getting home in 12 hours and not breaking down. Windows down. My face is asleep and my eyebrows blowing the wrong direction.  And JayZ is full of it, but he'll keep us awake for a while. 

I'm thankful for this experience with my husband, who is sweet sweet sweet. Our babe will be here in 18 weeks. Change is coming, but I know I need to find some peace here. Maybe it's in the flat part of Colorado/Kansas, next to my man with my baby kicking the seatbelt. God is good everywhere. I know it. 

From somewhere in Kansas...

Hi. We're on the road. We stayed in downtown KC last night. Took a nap in a guy's bed (air bnb), listened to some live Jazz at The Pheonix (Lonnie McFadden). Sat with a black couple and became fast friends. The guy says "you're going to boulder to smoke, aren't you? I can tell by your hippie headband." Yeah, me and my baby are going to toke up in boulder. Later the waiter put their food down in front of tyler and I and walked away. The guy says "see, waiters always put food in front of the white people!" Tyler said, "we'll I've never seen a black person eat hummus before." This guy was hilarious and crazy. He said he went to Oral Roberts University to check it out and he loved the gold buildings. Wanted to chip some off and make a gold tooth. Anyway, he looked about late 20s, but we finally asked and he said he'd be 48 soon! Nice couple. 

We turned in early and woke up early. Ate at a place called Milton's in Lawrence, KS. It was super tasty and Lawrence is cute. We discussed that the only thing we hate about Kansas is the phrase "rock chalk jayhawk." So Tyler asked a stranger what it meant. It's a fight song, yes, we know. And it's still dumb. 

Now we're just driving. Should be in Boulder by 3 their time. Can't wait to see Jesse and Bri and be in the mountains. Bye, my friends. 

From the morning we left. Baby is a little fish in there

Jazz music at The Pheonix

Steps to our Air BNB. A cute little loft apartment. 

View from the couch. We napped, because its vacation. 

That's Kansas, and there's plenty more. 

 

I love being in a car with a cute, funny guy. Specifically Tyler, I know there are other funny cute guys. But Tyler. He's special. 

Vacation

As I sit here, my sneaky sweet baby is raking a body part across the inside of my belly like (what I picture as) a funny alien running it's gummy finger across a chalk board. I've never loved something like this before. Tyler was watching it poke. He cried.

It occurred to me that this child could end up being a boy. It took me about a day to get that in my head. All this time, it's just been a girl, for sure. Now, one minute when it pokes me I yell, "this sneaky boy is kicking me!" and then a minute later, "she's so sweet... she likes bacon."

We leave tomorrow for Kansas City, and then the following morning we're driving to Boulder, CO. We. Are. So. Excited.

Leaving work behind will be tough for me. I'm such a worried mother-boss.

Here are some things I've learned as a Manager:
How to type on a number keypad without looking (I love doing that)
This list will be boring, so I'm going to stop with the number keypad thing.

Laundry time. Vacation time. Will update when I get back.

Have I mentioned that I will be a stay at home mom starting Thanksgiving? Well, I guess I mean in December when I'm a mom. It's true. I'm excited. Stay at home mom/yoga teacher/who knows what else.

Tax free Anger, No Grace, Pregnancy Guilt, Drunk Neighbor

You guys, I've written several posts just to get it out of my system, but not blogged them. It comes down to this: I'm out of grace. It's ugly and sad. I am turning into the people that I hate... probably because I hate them.

I hate people who accuse me of fraud because they purchased a shoe and were mad they spent that much money on it. Literally. It's fraud that you're a grown ass man who handed his credit card to us and allowed us to swipe it, knowing full well the price, and then came back the next morning yelling at me? Then a lawyer told me what we were doing in my store was illegal (because we don't double up coupons) but then she read the fine print (there is always fine print, okay, get used to it. It's a sad world we live in. Businesses are out to get your business, not give away their product without making a profit), and then she said, "Oh, there it is. Well, you guys are shady." Ok, thanks for ruining people's days with your bitter face and annoying voice. See, that's mean. I'm being mean.

Had a really sweet lady that I spent a long time with say to me up at the counter, "Well, you have a shitty loyalty program." Because we give you a shoe half off when you spend enough money in our store? I'm not sure what else to do for all the rich people of Creve Coeur, MO. Besides lay on the floor and let them stomp me to death. Things can start out so nice. They wish me a happy pregnancy. Tell me I'm a fantastic sales associate. They say, "You should manage the store!" and I usually just smile. Then they look at their receipt and see that they paid some tax during "tax free" weekend... and flip their poop. Like a hairy monkey. The hang-up is that items under $100 are tax free, and items over are not. It's meant to give people a break who can't afford expensive shoes, people who are buying stuff for their kids, people who need a break. So the sweet person I just spent an hour with then turns on me, says I lied even though I explained it three times throughout the transaction, and says that I "fixed" it that way, when in reality all I do is manage a shoe store and once a year there is a tax free weekend. Sorry you didn't have to pay taxes on your socks or your insoles. Sorry for the discount and the impeccable service. Sorry for getting to know you and making sure your shoes fit so you don't get bunions and hammer toes. Sorry I put your socks on your feet and smashed my baby to lace your shoes... and that you can't read.

Oh, now I sound super whiny. I am. I'm sorry.

The grace has been sucked out of me. And now I'm the only right person in the world. It's terrible. God, please change my attitude.

I was in the Target dressing room trying on some shorts. Side note: I hate maternity sizing. Anyway, I walked out in the shorts to get a different size and a woman was sitting there talking to someone that I thought was her daughter in the dressing room. She was about 65, and I said "Hey, what do you think? Are these too big?" She responded, "I don't know, I'm infertile."

So I guess she didn't feel she could have an opinion on whether my shorts were too big. This is an especially sensitive subject. I have many friends who haven't gotten pregnant yet, adopted as their second choice, had a baby but can't have another, had miscarriages, etc. I have not experienced any of it. I can't imagine it. It makes me feel guilty to be happy about being pregnant. Like I shouldn't talk about it or post pictures. I do think there is a balance, for sure. A loving one. I'm still finding it, I suppose. I just wish we could all be honest. I'd say, "I'm a little happy about the fact that there is a baby kicking me from the inside." And the woman in the dressing room would say, "I may be 65, but that's still hard for me to handle. I'm so mad God didn't let me have a baby." And we'd hug and maybe cry.

But instead, I just bought some shorts that I'm trying to shrink in the washer. Feeling guilty, and hurt that I'm supposed to act neutral about this little life inside me, and mad at the world for carrything their shit around and not just saying "I'm struggling, I need a hug," and jaded. And graceless.

In other news, Charlotte met our drunk neighbor the other night and now she never wants to go outside. She's a very good judge of character. She only likes loving men, not selfish ones. Joking a bit. I'm sure he's nice, but he was big and on a bicycle.