Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Tax free Anger, No Grace, Pregnancy Guilt, Drunk Neighbor

You guys, I've written several posts just to get it out of my system, but not blogged them. It comes down to this: I'm out of grace. It's ugly and sad. I am turning into the people that I hate... probably because I hate them.

I hate people who accuse me of fraud because they purchased a shoe and were mad they spent that much money on it. Literally. It's fraud that you're a grown ass man who handed his credit card to us and allowed us to swipe it, knowing full well the price, and then came back the next morning yelling at me? Then a lawyer told me what we were doing in my store was illegal (because we don't double up coupons) but then she read the fine print (there is always fine print, okay, get used to it. It's a sad world we live in. Businesses are out to get your business, not give away their product without making a profit), and then she said, "Oh, there it is. Well, you guys are shady." Ok, thanks for ruining people's days with your bitter face and annoying voice. See, that's mean. I'm being mean.

Had a really sweet lady that I spent a long time with say to me up at the counter, "Well, you have a shitty loyalty program." Because we give you a shoe half off when you spend enough money in our store? I'm not sure what else to do for all the rich people of Creve Coeur, MO. Besides lay on the floor and let them stomp me to death. Things can start out so nice. They wish me a happy pregnancy. Tell me I'm a fantastic sales associate. They say, "You should manage the store!" and I usually just smile. Then they look at their receipt and see that they paid some tax during "tax free" weekend... and flip their poop. Like a hairy monkey. The hang-up is that items under $100 are tax free, and items over are not. It's meant to give people a break who can't afford expensive shoes, people who are buying stuff for their kids, people who need a break. So the sweet person I just spent an hour with then turns on me, says I lied even though I explained it three times throughout the transaction, and says that I "fixed" it that way, when in reality all I do is manage a shoe store and once a year there is a tax free weekend. Sorry you didn't have to pay taxes on your socks or your insoles. Sorry for the discount and the impeccable service. Sorry for getting to know you and making sure your shoes fit so you don't get bunions and hammer toes. Sorry I put your socks on your feet and smashed my baby to lace your shoes... and that you can't read.

Oh, now I sound super whiny. I am. I'm sorry.

The grace has been sucked out of me. And now I'm the only right person in the world. It's terrible. God, please change my attitude.

I was in the Target dressing room trying on some shorts. Side note: I hate maternity sizing. Anyway, I walked out in the shorts to get a different size and a woman was sitting there talking to someone that I thought was her daughter in the dressing room. She was about 65, and I said "Hey, what do you think? Are these too big?" She responded, "I don't know, I'm infertile."

So I guess she didn't feel she could have an opinion on whether my shorts were too big. This is an especially sensitive subject. I have many friends who haven't gotten pregnant yet, adopted as their second choice, had a baby but can't have another, had miscarriages, etc. I have not experienced any of it. I can't imagine it. It makes me feel guilty to be happy about being pregnant. Like I shouldn't talk about it or post pictures. I do think there is a balance, for sure. A loving one. I'm still finding it, I suppose. I just wish we could all be honest. I'd say, "I'm a little happy about the fact that there is a baby kicking me from the inside." And the woman in the dressing room would say, "I may be 65, but that's still hard for me to handle. I'm so mad God didn't let me have a baby." And we'd hug and maybe cry.

But instead, I just bought some shorts that I'm trying to shrink in the washer. Feeling guilty, and hurt that I'm supposed to act neutral about this little life inside me, and mad at the world for carrything their shit around and not just saying "I'm struggling, I need a hug," and jaded. And graceless.

In other news, Charlotte met our drunk neighbor the other night and now she never wants to go outside. She's a very good judge of character. She only likes loving men, not selfish ones. Joking a bit. I'm sure he's nice, but he was big and on a bicycle.


  1. Gah! I'm sorry people were so graceless this weekend. Goodness.
    I'm super happy about your baby and I hope you get the freedom to be happy as you want. I think God is pretty ecstatic about it so I feel like you'll be in good company if you have moments of wild happiness about it :)
    I'm sad for that lady and her infertility and that she's so wrapped up in her pain that she tried to make it your responsibility or fault. Her infertility doesn't cancel out the miracle of your baby and how wonderful that is--they are unrelated and separate things.
    I can't wait to meet your baby and celebrate your baby and love on your baby. Love you!

  2. Working in retail totally gives you a front lines perspective of the human heart. You are much braver than me. I rarely see these customers when I'm out and about, so I don't believe they exist in such large numbers! The one occasion I did see inhumane treatment, I called the person out. Total Mom-mode. May have embarrassed my friend who was with me.
    It's weird how gracelessness begets gracelessness.
    I've been thinking a lot about that. It's also weird to say "gracelessness" over and over.

    I teared up a little at the thought of you and the 65 yr old lady hugging and crying.
    I'm really happy for you and that baby in your tummy. :)