Loneliness

Sometimes it happens. Especially on days when you reach out to several people with no response, or their response is too late and you're already home from whatever it was you were hoping to have their company for. It's not their fault either. I am guilty of responding to a call or a text late. However, it is important to me to get a fast response and I try to do the same for others. So I pouted a bit.

Also, I ran into someone that I have tried to be friends with but not had much of a response. That's hard for me. Perhaps because I want everyone to like me, or because I genuinely like this person and am worried I have offended them. Either way, the conversation was cut short because they just said hi and kept walking. It also seemed like they tried to get away with not saying hi. But I force people to do things that are uncomfortable, I guess.

I mean, the other day I called across the sidewalk to a man I thought I saw at my church and we talked for twenty minutes. So, if I am under the impression that we're okay friends, we text, you come to my house even, and we talk at church, then you will not likely cross my path without me yelling your name and trying to get you to go to coffee with me. Ha. Ok, yes, I'm scary.

So I went home and watched frozen and cut up old shirts into cloth wipes, which I love. Tyler told Leon I was a dirty hippy, but, if I was a baby, I'd much rather have my behind wiped with a soft, well-loved tshirt and water than some chemicals that turn my b-hole red. Also, some wipes give babies a reaction that makes their mouth and lips break out in a scab. GROSS. Listen, people in charge of everything, I don't trust you one bit. Keep your poison wipes off my childs behind. And your fingers out of my Dave Ramsey wallet. I'll kill ya.

I was so tired last night. We had a members meeting at church and they served ice cream after. I never eat ice cream... so when I do, I eat enough to make myself sick. And then I never eat it again, until the next time I do.

I am going on a date with Tyler tonight. His work, or someone he purchases from at work, people, someone, is throwing a gathering at the Art Museum. Open bar, free appetizers, and I'm wearing a long black dress that my mom bought me from H&M and a necklace to fancify it. I am so excited. My friend Kate is taking care of Leon. He loves her. He just snuggles right up to her. And she loves him, so it works out. It really means a lot having people love your baby, like actually love him, and love me.

I made my second cup of coffee. Oh, and I need to add something about social media. People say it's bad because you only post the good stuff and then people get jealous or whatever, or I guess it's like porn, where you get this unrealistic view of how the way things are and think life is like that. And that yours should be too, all the time. Well, yesterday I even typed out a funny, saddish status. It said this: I'm very thankful that I get to stay home with Leon. And then it's 12:30 and the only words I've said are "small coffee, please," and "did you poop your pants?!" and I pray fervently on our windy walk home that God will send me a friend that can throw on shoes and go for a walk with us.

But then the terror sinks in. People will think I'm pointless, because all I do is go on walks with a baby and drink coffee. People will think I'm ungrateful, because they would love to stay home with their kids. People will think I'm simple-minded. People will think I'm desperate. Oh, but I am! Well, I felt it yesterday. It's not that I don't have friends. I have so many people who love me, and they all have jobs. Which is great. Or there are moms but they have lots of kids and it's harder to get out of the house.

Anyway. I am okay with people thinking I'm desperate. But I don't want pity. I want honesty. Like, "Shannon, you can be a bitch, that's why no one wants to walk with you."

I'm doing this thing on Instagram where you #100happydays something that makes you happy. Yesterday I posted a picture of my coffee at the bike stop, where I was alone, and grieving my loneliness. And I didn't lie, because coffee does make me happy. Walks make me happy. Alone time sometimes makes me happy, and often it's good for me. But I was sad. So yeah, I lied a little. The curse of social media!

Leon tries to crawl when I lay him down. So he walks his legs forward, his butt is up in the air, and then his butt falls off to the side. He does this over and over for a few minutes, and every time his butt falls the crib bumps the wall, so I always know when he's crawling. Also, we're going to teach him that his crib is called a cage just to freak other people out.

I think that's all. I'm not lonely today. I'm going to lunch with Tyler's sister. I talk to Allison every day on facebook chat. I text people. I call a few people. It's not this dramatic loneliness, but sometimes you just want a human to stand in front of you.

My house is cold.