Halloween ish

I just put some pecans in the oven. I used salt, but I have no sugar. So they will just be salted and amazing. Normal, mature people have sugar.

My friend Rachel is about to have her baby. I am so excited. I never pictured her beating me to it. I'm glad she did. Can't wait to glean all of her knowledge.

Ahhh! child birth.

I'm feeling ready for the next phase of life. I think I've been saying that since I was 12. We may go look at a puppy this weekend, moving into our new house in four weeks. Tyler said, "It's going to be so fun, because everything will be a surprise. We've only been in that house two times. Think of all the surprises we'll find when we live there!" Hopefully no crazy surprises. Like an old lady ghost. I hope that she's at least nice. I will not take a bitchy ghost in my house.

I told Tyler that we have to buy a queen size bed for the guest room. So we will. Then you can sleep there and bring your person with you if that fits. Or you can just have enough room to sleep in a jumping jack position.

I feel so blessed.

Deep breath. Man.

In a week and a half I will officially be a certified yoga teacher, even though my teacher told us we were already teachers. I'm excited. I can't believe I'm almost done.

No one is walking through my neighborhood, except for people buying drugs or long boarding. I'm glad I don't have to answer my door. Mom, thanks for making me a holiday scrooge (I'm talking about Halloween). I loathe seasonal decorations, dressing up, and/or giving strangers candy. I'm happy about it, but everyone seems to hate that I am this way. I try not to be a negative susan, but... if I come to your party I will be dressed as myself and totally ruin the energy. It's okay if you don't invite me.

With love, Negative Susan.

Tuesday afternoon Tyler left for KC. I had homework that night to keep me busy, but everything was just weird. Instantly the house was a mess, as well as my car, and Charlotte paced from window to window waiting for Tyler. I didn't fall asleep until midnight, and Char wouldn't even snuggle with me. I didn't shower, slept in my sweat. She didn't understand how we could sleep when Tyler wasn't home. She stared out the window most of the night. At one point I put my head at the foot of the bed to see if I could sleep... and then I had weird dreams.

I had to leave work early the next day.

Tyler was at class the following night and I started to plan a surprise party for his 25th birthday (3 days in advance). He was acting like he was turning 100, said he didn't want to celebrate or talk about it.

I was at yoga training all weekend. It was great. I learned a lot and got some good critiques. I think I'll be a good teacher someday.

Anyway, so I was texting with Allison all Saturday during training because her and Andrew were helping me with the surprise. It was going to go like this... they kidnap Tyler, take him to 4 Hands Brewing Co., I meet them there with a ton of our friends after my training. Well, Tyler needed my car so I had to carpool with my training girls. So I couldn't drive myself to the brewery. So the Shead's actually said to Tyler, "Let's go to 4 Hands." So it was going to be a double date, they pick me up, and then surprise! our friends are here.

Well, in the car Tyler said several times, "It's good that you had pants in your bag." The third time he said it, I knew he knew, but I had to keep it up. So we walk in and Tyler had big smirk on his face, all our friends are there. He says he knew, that I'm a terrible liar, and that he had been trying to make things difficult for me all day. He almost pretended to be sick. He also said he knew I was either cheating on him or planning a surprise party. He was pretty sure it was a surprise party. Lovely.

We had a great time, and he didn't know who all would be there, so that was the surprise. Then later his eyes got all sweet and sappy and said that he appreciated that I was willing to do something out of character for his b-day. We are not gift givers or surprisers, pretty much ever. Speaking of gifts... I need to go buy him a thermos. And, we're super in love. I never want him to go on a business trip again. It was like, the worst night ever. Can't wait to be old people together.

Training is exhausting. I'm going to go put my body in my bed. Picture a pile of skin and muscles with bones in there. That's how I feel. Like a pile. A lump. Goodnight.

stress

Tyler is leaving tomorrow for KC for one night. I think I'm freaking out and don't realize it.

I'm teaching my first yoga class on Wednesday night. Barf.

Work. Computers not working. Customers demanding discounts and then personally attacking me when I don't give them one. "Well, I need shoes now! I can't wait until your next sale!" Um, ok. I have a stockroom full of product. You may purchase it if you like. "Where's your manager?! Is HE around?" I'm the manager. "Well, you're very young." You're old.

It seems small, but day after day it breaks my spirit. People can be so harsh.

Politics.

The Cards.

This morning I woke up and drank a liter of warm water with 2 tsp of salt in it. I nearly threw up. But it moved some things around later, so that was good.

Lord, calm my anxious mind. I'm a freak.

You are mine. I love you.

It's a beautiful Sunday. We're watching the Rams lose and Tyler is making Hoppin' John Soup - something he ate in Kentucky growing up.

I met with my teacher yesterday to plan my Wednesday yoga class. I just typed out everything I would say in each pose to get it in my head. I'm going to practice my sequence and time it out, and then go practice teaching with my fellow teacher trainees.

At church we're going through Hosea, one of my favorite books. Hosea was the book that made the Gospel click in my head for one of the first times (so somewhere between the first and the millionth time, because it always feels like the first time). This morning our pastor discovered that all of his notes didn't upload onto his kindle, so he winged it and it was awesome.

At the end he asked us to close our eyes, and he said things like what God must have said to Gomer in the desert. "You are my daughter... I love you..." When I went to church this morning I was feeling weird. Like nothing could touch me. I'm usually either there, or on the verge of a breakdown. At one point he said, "What you see in the mirror is not what I see... What you see on the scale is not what I see... You are mine... I love you." Thankfully everyone's eyes were closed, because I was ugly crying. It was uncomfortable.

But it was beautiful. At least maybe for the next couple of hours I'll remember all that stuff. But really, I need to be reminded of the Gospel every five seconds. Tyler is pretty good at reminding me.

We looked at puppies yesterday, but we are hooked on Boxers. We looked at a Lab-Boxer mix, got in the car and I said, "I feel weird considering buying a lab." Tyler said he felt weird too. And when we got home I loved on Charlotte like a crazy person. She slept in our bed. I'm not sure if it's a sin to love a dog so much, but... sorry.

And onto the next week. PS. my sister Alyson ran 20 miles this morning. What a freak.

Hi, sister friends. Thanks for the comments.

Tyler and I both took Wednesday off because we were ill. Truly. He is like a sad little boy when he's sick. I say, "What do you want for lunch?" He makes a face like he's close to death/tears and says "... I.. don't know." I was feeling bad, but doused my immune system with every pill I could find. Airborne, alka seltzer, ibuprofen, allergy pill, and benadryl. Also, I put cayenne pepper in my water (with lemon and stevia) and seriously, it reduced the swelling in my throat. I swears.

So we're feeling better. My throat is still a bit sore, perhaps because I drank about 7 cups of coffee today... but more like three and a half because I only fill the cup up halfway because black coffee is gross cold.

Tonight at yoga I was in wheel pose (picture a back bend), and using a bit of rocking momentum I popped up out of wheel pose onto my feet. It was my first time to do that. Months ago I saw my teacher do that and I dreamed of the day I would be able to. Well, I did it tonight on accident. It was awesome.

We have volleyball playoffs tonight. I hope we win, but if we do that'll mean we're not in bed until like 11:30..... death. I love sleep, but not like a sluggard does. I just know I'll stay well if I sleep and lay off the booze. Did I mention I LOVE airborne? I wish it wasn't expensive. It's amazing. I think it kept me from getting the body aches and the one who scoffed at it, my dear husband, was close to death.

I find out tonight what my teaching schedule is at Blue Bird. It's like waiting to see if you've been drafted for the Hunger Games. I like to compare almost everything to the those games. Then when I actually look at my life I'm like, "Ok. I'll live."

We had a guy named Dan Zink from Covenant come talk to us last Sunday. Men that wise are just insane to me. I really like him. Tyler and I had great conversations after that. Anyway... time to go play volleyball.

Go cards...

Black coffee

Hey guys, I drink my coffee black now (with Stevia). This is a pretty big life change.

This week has been weird. I did a lot of thinking after yoga training last weekend. The kind of thinking you don't share with anyone because you might scare them. But thinking these thoughts alone scared me, so I shared my thoughts with two close friends and Tyler, and they weren't scared.

My teacher was talking about the myths and how if we thought about the resurrection of Jesus more as a metaphor than literal, then Christianity might be a little more accessible. I've heard people say Jesus didn't really resurrect, and I've heard them say He did. I've never, not once in my twenty-four and a half years, even considered the resurrection as a metaphor, which actually scared me.

I am being taught that yoga isn't just on your mat, it's everywhere. So there's the Jesus Gospel the Yoga Gospel. I've heard, "Well, yoga is just complementary to your belief in God." Mmmmmm... I wish I could say okay to that. Also, a zillion people believe in God, but Jesus is hardly an afterthought.

So now, a month away from teaching, I am slightly terrified. Trying to figure out how to be in that culture, but not of it. It's a very "coexist" sort of culture, but I don't believe in that. If someone is running as quickly as possible in a direction that will kill them, I'm going to stop them. I'm not going to say, "Well, that's their way, this is mine."

I knew that this would happen... that doing this training would just make me think, force me to know, and to believe something. To stop living so passively. It's so easy to conform to whatever group you're in, especially when you're only around Christians. Try being a Christian around people who think that organized religion is ignorant and unintelligent. So easy for me to stay quiet and get cynical.

All I know is that living as my own savior is exhausting, it doesn't work, it's lonely, it's terrifying, it's hopeless. I look around and know that this place didn't explode into awesomeness. God made it awesome and put a longing and a need in my heart to be known by Him, to know Him, and to glorify Him. Only Him. Not Him plus anything else.

So when I'm teaching, I'm just going to teach from my own experience. Not just saying what my teachers say, not trying to sound "yogic" and vague, and maybe not fitting into the mold that I'm being trained to be in.

I'm planning a free yoga class for all the ladies at my church as we speak. I'm excited.

Two of my sisters have blogs that you all can read, and they are good. I pretty much cry with laughter, or just cry every time I read them.

Amanda's and Alyson's. Both of them are like super heros to me.

That's all.

Growing pains

I've had an attitude about yoga training for a while. One weekend I lost my ring and Tyler was mad at me. All the other weekends I've been PMSing. Therefore, bad attitude.

I got there this weekend with a bad attitude. All along it's been "I'll do what I have to do to teach a class. I don't need to know the myths or philosophy." I still believe that I don't need to know that stuff to teach a yoga class, but why choose not to learn something when it's being taught to you? I'm the same person I was in high school and college. Do the least amount to get by and graduate. Barf. I don't even like those kinds of people. I am that.

Anyway, having a good yoga practice does not mean you'll be a good teacher, so this is something I will have to work on, do what I'm told to do (homework), and it's going to be painful. I hate sucking at things. My teaching today was mediocre at best. Such a humbling process.

I think it would be so much easier to teach friends, people who don't totally know what they're doing but want to know, and not have your teachers staring at you and writing things down.

It's tough teaching people who already know the poses and the actions. A trainee tried to adjust my hands during down dog and I got pissed. Probably isn't fair, but I only want to be adjusted by someone who's built trust with me. Anyway...

For people who don't know me well, I think I might be a little dry. Then I get up to teach and my small, dry personality just dies. I need to find that. That's stressful.

I can feel the growth coming on. Not like a tumor, but like, I'm being toned and humbled and refined and crushed and hopefully put back together.

In the next two weeks I have to do a lot of uncomfortable things, like record myself teaching poses, teach my friends, and write three meditations to do in class in front of 30 people. Puke.

I'm going to change my attitude, or I think it's already changing a little bit.

My brother just told me he reads my blog. This was his summary: Tyler is home. I just got home from work. I'm on my period. Tyler is gone. I'm going to yoga.

retail schmetail

I just sighed a long, frustrated sounding sigh out of love for my dog. She's standing on the couch next to Tyler awkwardly, hunching like a baby deer so freakishly so she can rest her head on Tyler's belly. I'm not frustrated, it's just the only noise that can explain how much I freaking love her.

This weekend was bad, and it stretched into my Monday. A guy on the phone made me cry... while I was up front and a customer was staring at me. Other things happened, we didn't close until 6:30 (we close at 5:30) because this horrid, oblivious family wouldn't leave. They were shopping online as we told them their sizes, but wanted to try on every shoe in the store (this is rude if you didn't know). The kids were tyrants and the parents didn't care. So many other details, but I need to move on.

Monday I was lacing up a man's shoe. He had already made a comment about "supposedly" being helped while someone looked for his shoe on hold for 17 seconds. I grabbed his shoe and proceeded to help him, since he was an ass and truly if I can protect my staff from people like that, I do. On the tongue of most athletic shoes, you will typically find a small loop to lace through that holds the tongue still. Anyway, I always lace through the tongue. Always. Well, this man frazzled me because he was an ass. So I missed the tongue loop and not a fraction of a second later, as I had already begun to lace the shoe properly, the man said, "Did you skip the tongue loop? Hey, let me just tell you something. If you have the opportunity to do something correctly, just do it right the first time. OK? Geeze." And it wasn't endearing, or wise words from an old man. It was condescending words from an ass hole. I just smiled really big and didn't say anything.

This is how my weekend bleeding into my Monday went. Yesterday I was in a terrible mood and I emailed my staff and finally said no political discussions and no more bathroom humor. I can't go to the bathroom without someone stating that I stunk it up. This happens anytime someone spends more than 30 seconds in the bathroom. I realized today that It's my fault that I allowed it to get this far. I'm too lenient... which is why my dog only licks me and never Tyler, and only sleeps by me and never Tyler. He's the disciplinarian. I'm fun. No more.

I struggle with finding my identity in my job, yoga practice, relationships with friends and family, etc. After a weekend like this, being treated like someone who doesn't know to put the lace through the tongue loop, it just hit me hard. Today was a better day, but being nice to super mean people gets really old. I'm burnt out.

Tyler just said that the reason these people impact me so much and make me cry, hurt my feelings, make me feel like a doormat, etc. is the same reason why I'm good at my job. I care a lot. Pat, pat. Doesn't make me want to go to work though.

Final story. Today a woman came in who I have helped many times. She hunts for discounts in a manipulative way, finds things in common with you so she can pretend to be your best friend, calls you by your name a lot, and touches you when she's talking to you... but she's a ball of insanity. It's like any second she could explode, and you can feel her always at the edge. Then at the end of it, when you don't give her a discount she makes you feel like dirt. Today she chatted it up with me while I was trying to help another customer - interrupting, being quite rude. I went to get another shoe for my customer and one of my employees walks in back and says, "Hey, she wants to use this coupon that expired in July." We stick to expiration dates. That's all there is to it. I said no. I was back on the floor helping my customer, my employee tells her we cannot honor the coupon and she comes rushing toward me like... a banshee? "I would have come in sooner had I known!!" I point to the expiration date and apologize. She says okay, goes to the counter and takes my DM's cards, and proceeds to stare at me for about 2 minutes. Her purchase was made, there was nothing more to be done. She just stared at me.

A man claimed to corporate that we forced him to leave in his socks and that we discriminate against disabled people. All of it was lies. He even said it was raining and that he stepped in puddles, and it wasn't raining! He left in his socks because he was so angry we didn't have the size in his shoe and the shoes he wore in were "defective." He said we refused to help the other customer in the store... the store was empty.

I'm just continually blown away and I'm so tired. I'm scared to answer the phone because people are freaking insane. "You said my shoe would magically appear via teleport!" The other night I dreamed that someone came in and shot up my store. Is this normal stuff? Do people do this at Gap or Target?

Ok. I'm done.