Yesterday I started drawing this fox with chalk in the baby room, lost track of time, missed yoga, didn't brush my teeth until 3... it was a lazy day. I definitely need to get out of the house first thing in the morning. It helps.
I had counseling today. It was good. I wasn't a sobbing mess like last time. I expressed my expectations, which I think helped. Like, I want homework, and to be heard, yes, but to get less of an emotional response, because it makes me want to run away. Turns out my counselor and I have the exact same Meyers Briggs. We are both EMOTIONAL people. I wonder if she likes to use all caps sometimes, as a means of being obnoxious.
She asked how I was doing, emotions-wise, with pregnancy and stress. I said, "I actually feel more like myself. I haven't cried in... well, actually last night I wanted to other side of the bed and Tyler wouldn't give it to me, and I got so mad that I cried." It's the truth. I rearranged the bedroom and all day had this beautiful vision of me sleeping on the other side of the bed in my clean room. When that expectation was not met, I... was angry-sad. But we worked it out and stayed married.
Third trimester starts on Saturday. I have two names picked out now - a boy and a girl name. Just waiting for Tyler's 100%. You guys, you're going to love them!!
Ha. You might not. But I think you will.
Sadly, people get these rockin' badass middle names, and then no one ever hears them. I have a good boy middle name, but... you'll hear it once and then it'll be used up and gone. My friend Allison doesn't have a middle name, which I think is awesome.
It's almost 2 pm, which is the time my body shuts down for a nap. I should prepare myself.
Life is hard, but I will say that I am in a very cush phase. When will this vacation end?! Oh. Babies. But still, it's really nice right now. Really. Nice.
update on day 5 - I had a terrible nightmare last night. For those of you who don't know, I've had some bad ones since as long as I can remember. But the sleepwalking/screaming began when I was about 4 or 5 I think. I used to look up verses on fear in the concordance of my bible and read a few before bed. I got mad when I still had nightmares. My poor tormented little brain.
Last night I dreamed that there was a bunch of hype over this spell/game/hoax/stupid thing. It was something silly, like going into a dark bathroom and doing Bloody Mary - anybody? But in the dream people kept saying, "Have you done The Stacy?" I did it to prove that everyone was an idiot, like I usually do things. Well two hours later, I lay in bed with the dogs, and Tyler had been gone all night. There is a knock at the door. I knew the knock was someone there to tell me he was dead. And then when I opened the door I was handed a newborn baby with a 3-D ultrasound face. It was glowing. And it was just understood that Tyler was dead.
It was terrifying. Never have I felt a more real battle over my mind than in my dreams. I pray my kids do not have night terrors.
Heading to Owasso today... after some oatmeal and tea by the river with Lauren.