I went to counseling on Thursday night. My mind has been rethinking the things we talked about. She asked me what made me want to see a counselor. I think I said this a few posts ago, but basically, since I got pregnant, things have popped up from my life that are old... but they are upsetting. Yes, I am pregnant and emotional, but I don't think it's fair to stamp "crazy pregnant" on me and move on. These are real things that happened. They still hurt a little, and perhaps there wasn't much closure there. I'm still mad at some people for not giving me that. But maybe they did and I just didn't notice.

Two things that came up. I did not like it when she responded to a story of mine with a gasp and a hand-to-heart or eyes or mouth. I wanted her to stare at me and say, "Hm. Interesting. How did that make you feel?"

Second, I kept exclaiming, "I have a good life! I don't know why I am here!" and it made me feel selfish.

I know it will be good for me. I've always felt misunderstood. I remember when I was four, our totally cool awesome rad youth pastor came over to eat with all of us home schooled kids. Mind you, I was four. But I wanted to be the same age as my sisters. I wanted to be in the youth group. I wanted that youth pastor to think I was cool. I WAS FOUR. He brought us Taco Bueno. I was chowing down my party burrito and I let out a loud burp. I was four. His eyes got big, he stopped talking, and stared at me like I was the filth of the earth. I still burp like that, but only around people who love me. What does this have to do with being misunderstood? I don't know. You can have your own thoughts about this.

Perhaps this is why I already feel defensive about having a home-birth... because I assume people will look at me like they did when I was home schooled, and think they have a better way... and God, please don't let them tell me their better way, or just give me a nice dose of grace. It's so much more normal to be home schooled now, I think. Even revered, as long as you have all your teeth.

So, I'm processing these things. What's real, what's made up in my head... and why did I make it up. What do I assume. How do I move on from things that I have no control over. How can I forgive people who aren't sorry.

Some of this may not make sense. But, I said it. I had originally titled this "Adults Scarred Me," but I wanted you to know my heart rather than just be put off by me. 

I worked with 13 of these 4-yr-olds today and it showed me how dark my heart is. I think I have been in a slump this afternoon because I don't want to impact them the way so many "we'll-meaning" adults did me.