Well. I had pregnancy guilt for different reasons. The other day I asked Tyler if he was upset with me. He wasn't, and said "stop feeling guilty about everything." So I have random guilt for apparently no reasons.
Last night I got home from a wonderful time and wonderful Hazelnut Brown from Trailhead to find sleepy Tyler giving hungry Leon a bottle. For some reason I was just overcome with guilt for leaving him. For some reason I feel ok going to yoga because I'm only gone for about an hour and a half. But being gone for another hour, plus maybe enjoying myself a little too much. I don't know. Moms, you have this?
I'm glad I went and had lovely conversation with Allison. I wouldn't change it.
One thing we talked about was identity. A friend saw me the other day with Leon in the moby and she said, "Wow, I feel like I'm meeting another version of you, or a new you! You're a different Shannon now." And then a woman at yoga described the first time she left her children and felt like she wasn't herself. And I get that. But dumb people say, "Don't lose yourself when you have kids!" Well, I'm lost and that's ok.
I still want to read books and be a better yoga teacher and love my husband and build/grow my relationships. I still have goals. But my identity has changed. Not that it's built on having a child. But... anyway.
The dogs are gross and we don't like them. But we love them. Their hair is everywhere. I just swept, mopped, and tried to get hair off of the couches. Not easy. It's driving Tyler insane. I really do love them, and they've been out and about in the house for the last few days since it's so cold outside, hence why our house is so disgusting now.
My hours of wake and sleep are all wacky, so I want to eat lunch at 9:45am. That's annoying.
I wonder sometimes if having a hairless house will bring us more joy than taking our dogs for a walk in the spring time, and Leon having pets to pinch and pat. I just don't know.
It's cold.
I totally balled one of the first times I had three hours away from Noah I didn't miss him at all and then I felt horrible but my mom (gosh they are wise) reminded me that four weeks earlier I had not had a baby attached to me 24-7 and that no one likes someone 24-7 ;)
ReplyDeleteAlso I want I get rid of blitzy about every five minutes and then the next minute she licks Noah and he laughs and I calm down ... Mostly ;)
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you had a fun night with Allison.
ReplyDeleteAs far as dogs go, maybe just keep the sweet one. :) Sorry, hope that doesn't make you mad that I don't love Russell.
These cold days are hard. Getting some sunshine always makes life look happier, but when it's 17 out we just cry the whole time we're out there.
Nathan always had to make me go out back in the baby days, and I did once a week, and it was just a thing that we knew was going to happen, so I embraced it, even though it was sort of hard.
Actually now days, I feel so bad leaving him with the homework and noise and unrestfulness, so I just never go out. When actually, the noise and unrest drives me crazy, but he kind of likes it. He turns the music up. I should just leave and let them all be loud together.