This morning we napped hard. Sometimes I lose track of time and think that we've been sleeping for 5 hours when really it's just been two. Tyler's little sister came by to drop something off and I woke up to the doorbell ringing. I was majorly out of it. 

I went to La Leche League on Saturday (it's a breast feeding support group) and a mom of five who is currently tandem nursing her infant and 2 yr old said the only time that is hers is when she's in the shower. Even then, three of the kids are in the shower with her!! I only have one kid, but man, when I'm in the shower it's so hard for me to get out. Last night I called Tyler into the bathroom and said "tell me to get out of the shower" and he said no. So I stayed in there. Eventually something clicks and I turn the water off. The thought of five kids is utterly terrifying. So is 2. I'm lacking sleep and my hair has been wet for a while, but it's pretty sweet to lay here and type with the cutest baby in the world laying on me and dreaming. I woke him up from his nap because I missed him. 

My skin is so dry. My forearms feel like sand paper. Coconut oil is just not cutting it so I tried olive oil and I think it's working. 

Thrush has been an ongoing ordeal here. I had some pains while bfing and mentioned that to my midwife. She suspected yeast. So I started checking Leon's mouth for thrush. He has such a small amount that I thought it was milk tongue, but it's definitely thrush. It's still not bad, thankfully. I'm just trying to stay on top of it with Jack Newmans Cream and Nyastatin. 2 weeks ago when I thought this might be happening, I googled imaged thrush. Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh don't do that. Especially if you have a newborn. It's freaking disgusting and of course the absolute worst cases are pictured. I cried. One of the medicines to treat it is called Genetian Violet. It's purple and it stains. You paint your boob and your baby's mouth with it. Do you know how traumatizing that is? 

Things are less scary now. Occasionally if something goes wrong, like he just refuses to stay latched, I get all panicky and start googling. Stop that! Stop that googling! Sometimes it's helpful. But goodness. 

I get angry. Like, beyond reach. There is just so much stuff to think about with a baby that it's terrifying. 

But then you wake them up from their nap and put their little warm body on yours while they make stuttering little sheep noises and pull their legs up into a little ball, and all that really matters is that right now is that I keep him warm and full and clean and alive. And it's sweet because I can tell he likes me at least. Not sure if he loves me yet. But I know his faces and his cries. I love being his mom. 

I went to yoga last night. I was scared but my body is ok today. It felt so good and it was so sweet to see everyone. 

I'll be done now.