This morning I awoke at 4:30am, as is custom, and thought "Oh my heavens, It's Monday. I'm teaching yoga at 9am and I have not once thought about a class sequence all weekend." Now, it doesn't take me long to throw a class together, but I have found that actually putting thought into the sequence rather than "I'M JUST GONNA KICK THEIR ASSES" works best, because the drill sergeant mentality makes me leave thinking "I made them sweat! I'm that teacher that they think about the next morning when they can't get out of bed." And everyone else just leaves scared and complains that we need a class easier than Basics. There is a disconnect. Oh, but that's another subject.
I also had this extreme feeling of loss, which I couldn't convey in my facebook status. I almost felt empty. I knew it was Monday, and was just upset that I had glossed over my day of rest without thought. It was a sad, but responsible feeling - like, ok, I made a mistake and didn't appreciate my Sunday, and now it's Monday and I will pay for it on the chin. I do that to myself. Though, I'm not sure how I would have paid for it. I guess by not allowing myself to mourn. What a blissful life I lead.
One time I was doing a pose in yoga, and my friend/teacher was smiling at me because she had tried a couple of times to tell me that I was doing the wrong leg. I was so upset with myself for not "listening" and "being quiet" and "paying attention" and "being present" and being "mindful" that I did it twice on that side on purpose, and it burned, and I was sore the next day, and I felt lop-sided... but I DESERVED it. Because of my lack of attention.
Sometimes I think I should be a Monk... but I wouldn't last a day. I just sprinkle Monkishness throughout my life when I'm not allowing myself to bask in the True Comfort of God's Grace.
ANYWAY. Sometimes I want to write a book, when I read people like Ann Lamott or Donald Miller, because I, too, am cynical. But then I realize that my thought process is in 17 places and people would probably have a seizure if they read my book. But, my goals class did make me think "Maybe I'll take a writing class" and stop starting sentences with BUT and using quotes when I'm not supposed to. And maybe I'll wait until I have some life experience, my hair is silver, and young girls think "that old lady is cool."
This morning, church was about Religious Feasts/Rituals, and as you know if you ever read this blog, I love rituals. I like the idea of them, but I don't do them really. I like the idea of lighting a candle at dinner and truly observing the Sabbath. Turning off technology. Truly resting. I like the idea of fasting. Rituals crack my heart in a way other things can't. I often live with the mentality that Jesus came so I can eat real bacon, and I don't have to worry about observing the old law. But. It's good to be reminded. People say you can take communion too much. I say, give it to me every morning when I wake up. My heart is hard, I need to be reminded to Remember.
Anyway, so I busted out Searching for God Knows What again, and I think I'll start Mudhouse Sabbath too. Books that changed my life a bit - sometimes I read them years later and think, "childsplay!" Ha. I'm a child.
I will be going to my friend's house for dinner tonight while Tyler has men from our community group over. I was going to barricade myself in my room with a book, but that's awkward. What if I can hear them talking? What if I have to pee (I will)? So I invited myself over to have dinner with her and her husband. I can't tell you how thankful I am to have relationships like that. I'm going to wear my pajamas.
I think that's all that's in there today. I'm so happy my sister is pregnant. How insane. My baby will just be a little older than her baby. I think about stuff like that now. Oh, our kids can play together. See, I used italics instead of quotes there. Also, saying that I want to take a writing class and admitting that sometimes I imagine writing a book is scary and embarassing, so thanks for your sweet, loving chuckle.
I did set a goal to hang at my yoga studio though. It's this: I will run ten miles a week by May 2014.