Do something scary

Yesterday I did something that scared me. I went on a walk, almost by myself, but I actually took a 4 month old with me in my awesome stroller. It was terrifying.

I made a list. I'll show you a picture of it.

So, on the list you might see the word DRAW - I promised to draw something every day. To the right, you will see a chandelier. It's the chandelier that hangs elegantly in my dining room. The drawing is not good, which is why I will practice every day. 

And then I promised I'd do something that scared me every day, and maybe I'll sub the word "challenges" in as well. On my list I wrote "go for a walk by myself," because that freaks me out. Also on the list was going to the grocery store by myself... and a lot of other things that end in "by myself." 

I wore my nephew around a bit yesterday. He crushed my belly, but he's really cute. 

I am entirely uncomfortable. And if you ask me how I'm feeling, my eyes will well up with tears and I will calmly say "it's tight." Because if I say more, the liquid surface tension will break and pool over and it won't end, and there will be snot. I might try to say more and spit will start flying out of my mouth with each word. Sobs. I cry a lot in the car - sometimes when I'm singing with Katy Perry, because I'm not louder than a lion. I am weak and exhausted. I don't have the eye of the tiger. 

I went to the James study this morning that I didn't do a drop of homework for. But, I showed up. Sometimes that is all we can do. Sorry if I sound like Elizabeth Gilbert right now. I'm not trying to romanticize my laziness, or make it ok. It was good to just be there, to put myself in the way of pursuit. I'm not hiding, but I am just here. Kind of giving up and saying, "God, I drove through the construction and am sitting in this awful chair to listen to a crazy woman talk about James (crazy in a good way). Please do the rest." 

I get so frustrated with people when they don't listen. Mostly in yoga. I say, "Straighten your right leg," and the person keeps their leg bent, looking around the room with this face that says "Who is this idiot teacher?" because they think everyone is looking at them, when really no one is looking at them. Everyone is focused on themselves, thinking that everybody else is looking at them. NO ONE IS LOOKING AT YOU, now straighten your damn leg. 

Yoga is cool because you can see change so quickly. 

Life is cool, but much harder. I struggle with the same stuff, forever. Now, let's throw a kid in there! 

12:19 pm is nap time today. When I wake up I'm making a grocery list and I'm going to do a scary thing... go to the store by myself.