Five years ago, the method of how I would give birth wasn't a thought in my mind. Even two years ago. About a year ago is when we got snowed in, walked to the Summers' house and watched The Business of Being Born and drank a lot of PBR. A lot of people's come-to-Jesus moment with birth was when they watched that documentary (which is not only informative, but entertaining and you should watch it). I'm one of them. And I'm also someone who just said "come-to-Jesus moment" in reference to something other than coming to Jesus. That's annoying. But I won't backspace it.
Currently, I'm researching ways to clean the hose that will put the water in my birthing tub. Weird.
I got a little scared yesterday, but I think it was a good scared. I talked to my natural-birthing sister on the phone. I was there for one of her natural births, and it was petrifying and beautiful and she screamed a lot and I cried really hard (and quietly) as I held her leg back. She is also super tough. So last night as I let my humidifier soak my face and I lay wide awake in bed, I let myself be scared.
It's about time, because, as I've said before, I'm overconfident. I look at things like, "It's got to come out somehow," and shrug my shoulders. I guess that's not confidence. But. I know that some people are sighing and going "Oh, Shannon. Stubborn, bossy little 4-year-old Shannon." I've always "known" what I was doing and I've always had to make my own decisions/mistakes and sometimes it worked out and other times it didn't.
Anyway. It's almost just a waiting game now. I'm 36.5 weeks along. Tonight I'm taking dinner to my friend who had a baby last week, and her birth was like a dream. Her midwife showed up and she was 8 cm. She had no idea, and at 10 cm, a picture was taken of her where she was smiling. Now, I could only hope and pray for something like that, but I'm not expecting it. It exists though. And people need to know that.
I've had some fears lately, like of people taking my baby away, or both of us away from Tyler. I've been reading about human slavery and I should probably tone it down a bit. I have fears that I'll bleed to death, or that the cord will be really short. I'm even fearing going to the hospital.
So if you have a chance to pray for my anxieties and the health of this little baby and that I have a blissful birth :) please do so.
Lastly, what I want to take away from this time right now is just to remember how to treat other people in my stage once I've moved past it. Encouraging words are few. Bitter words are overflowing. Even if a person says something negative and then laughs about it, or tells me that ignorance is bliss, they may as well have said "you're screwed," and walked away. I want to the be woman at the grocery store who maybe tears up a little bit and says "these next few months will be the hardest and sweetest of your life. You can do it. You are already a good mother. You know what's best for your baby."
And now, onto sterilizing the hose.