Fear and anger - 5 weeks

I had a realization yesterday. People keep asking me how I'm doing. I say "much better. The first three weeks were hard. Terrible actually. I was just mad at my circumstances. But we're doing so much better now." Yesterday I was explaining myself to Alisha and telling her how scared I get about my baby. 

The other night my phone randomly started going off with an Amber Alert. I was so terrified. My heart was racing and I literally was afraid someone was going to steal Leon. I was so tired but I stared at him for a half hour while actual fear held onto my bones and I was frozen in bed. 

I have been angry with people who share opinions instead of just giving me a hug and tell me it will pass. Of course I want some opinions. But I'm so choosy. Which isn't fair, and I'm scary. I ask "What do I do?!" And really the answer I want is "rest. Feed your baby. Rest more." But then I get a list of infections I might have and I'm like, silently panicking in my mind. Going nuts. 

The realization is that my anger toward my "situation" (breast feeding, thrush, tongue tie, baby not latching, engorgement, scabby nipples, "abundant supply" also called "drowning your baby with milk and making them horribly gassy," lack of sleep, lack of muscle, body in pain, etc.) is really just fear. Oooooo, deep, right? But truly. I am just afraid that these things will never resolve (most of them have and we're doing awesome, but I'm thinking about the first 3 weeks) or that those people who just talk and don't hug are right. 

And did anyone read that funny blog post about parenting advice to get your baby to sleep? Worth the read. It's true. And that makes me mad. When I just want an answer and all I get are four different answers that contradict each other. Fear. That I'll pick the wrong one. Fear that there is no answer and it's going to hurt my baby. And then anger. http://t.today.com/moms/exhausted-new-moms-hilarious-take-expert-sleep-advice-goes-viral-6C9559908 

Enough anger that I could not fake being okay. Enough that my face was stuck sad, too tired and scared to smile. Or even not make a sad face. 

Well Leon is 9.5 lbs now. He's latching. No signs of thrush. The abundant supply, we are working on. My midwife told me I could pump and donate it. The angry, selfish side of me says "no thanks. I'd rather be able to bend over and tie my shoe without having to change shirts." 

I think the fact that I've been entrusted to care for a child with a face the size of my palm just scares me. I didn't even take care of my gigapets well. Obviously Leon is much more important. Man I love him. 

Ok since I've processed all this stuff maybe my next post will be about... Ah, the possibilities are endless. Thanks for reading about my issues. 

Tyler put this on IG with the caption "Things change."