Sunday, April 1, 2012

Hard heart. Lots of tears.

I woke up this morning, slept in until 8:30. I wasn't going to go to church, because I just have to leave for work as soon as the song service is over. I was getting hooked checking out different blogs on tumblr, but eventually I pulled myself away and decided to just go sing and leave for work after.

At the time, I was feeling a little dark. Just cynical and ugly and like, "What. What are you gonna do about it?" In an I-don't-care-what-anyone-thinks-of-me kind of way, but really I really cared and I hated feeling so far away and unknown.

As soon as we started singing "Oh Love That Will Not Let Me Go," and "And Can It Be" I just lost it. I cry every song service, typically. But this wasn't just eyes watering. This was trying to hold my shoulders still, unable to actually sing kind of sobbing.

It's amazing how quickly I can go from hard-hearted to broken-hearted and back to hard-hearted... and then to a sobbing pile of "I give up." And that verse that talks about cursing and praise in one breathe. That's me. I was telling Lauren about it at work. Sometimes I pull her into my office for a meeting... and we talk about our lives rather than shoes and bonuses. It's nice having her around - someone I can share my brokenness with. After I told her about my week of ups and downs, she said "Well, if you didn't have those you wouldn't need Jesus." Duh. Good job Lauren.

Two more days of work, and then Wednesday I have a whole day to myself. I can't wait for Easter.

1 comment:

  1. Well, I think you do cry 9 times more than I do. But surely that's a very good thing. However, when you get pregnant, watch out.
    You gotta go to the singing service. I'm glad you went.