Lonely

I can't tell you how sad I get around 8:30pm. Just knowing the bed time is nigh and soon Tyler will be asleep and I will be awake. The night is lonely when things go wrong. Like when your baby gets a chunk of your boob off and you're bleeding. It's hard to physically move so even when your tailbone feels like it's disintegrated and you might have bed sores and milk is dripping everywhere but both adult size towels you have in the bed are already soaked... And you just lay in the blood and milk and sweat and after a good full body cry and yell whispering "I don't understand!" Then you can look in the dim light of the lamp with a shirt and yoga pants draped over it and see your baby fart smiling. And his dimples. 

It's also lonely when Tyler leaves for work.  But at least I can text people. And at least people are updating on Facebook at that hour. I got an hour of sleep last night and when I woke up it was only 12 something am. I was so sad. I just hate to be alone. But then sometimes it's ok. 

Tyler said he is worried about me, mostly I think because I seem sad. I'm pretty somber. But as soon as I can comfortably wear a shirt, I plan on being very happy. 

We went to the Pediatrician today and she is awesome. So is Leon. It was exhausting though. Thank goodness Hannah went with me. 

I told Tyler that I always feel stress. Even when I sleep I'm worried that his poop will stick to his balls. My upper back feels like there is a knife in it. 

I asked Tyler to make me a bourbon and ginger ale. He said he would be glad to and that I deserved it. That made me cry. I didn't even have time to eat today  hardly. I got a cookie down (paleo awesome stuff that Tyler made) while I had Leon on one boob and pumped the other in a hovering position to help remove some clogs. My legs fell asleep. 

For our 5 year wedding anniversary we are going to costco and buying the expensive things we never buy, like nuts and liquor. We are both excited about this. 

I'm ok. I'm not depressed. I know this is just how it is. Just being honest about my state. It's hard. And nothing can prepare you for it. 

In the mean time, my baby is growing up fast. He doesn't look like he just came out anymore.