I'm kind of in a bad mood

Today I came home from work and I was in the worst mood possible. That mood where nothing is the way you want it to be and everything is stupid, to the point where you feel like slamming things and sighing like this - "Ugggghhhhhh!" Like, I felt like a total diva. But I couldn't shake it.

I was so physically exhausted that all I wanted was a nice summer beer and a sit on the porch. However, we decided not to drink until Easter, which totally pisses me off when I'm in this mood.

So I made quinoa with sauteed kale and fish. Then Tyler took me to Dairy Queen for ice cream. We talked about work and the pink slime in processed meat.

We walked to the Shead's house and smoked hookah and sat around the fire. I drank Chamomile tea. It was nice.

Here's a conversation I had with an extremely ignorant, self-entitled woman today at work. This is the scenario - sale week, crazy busy, I was waiting for a computer to check her out but we had a few people ahead of us. She slightly mumbles under her breath while staring at me, "Ugh. Are you kidding me?... this is ridiculous... hhhhhhhhh, man... how long will this take?" while one of my awesome employees was getting info on their customer. This is what we're supposed to do. I said, "Is there a problem?" She says, "You know, you guys need one person at the register and everyone else helping customers," with a condescending smile. I had already heard some of her mumblings earlier and I was so finished with her. Trust me, I'm very sweet and patient and people love me. There are some customers who need to be taken down a freaking notch though. I replied to her, "Well, we've had that thought before and even tried it, but it really doesn't work because then one less fitting specialist is on the floor and people waiting for a fitting specialist get upset when the person standing behind the counter can only help them if they need to check out, but aren't actually doing anything at that time." She said, "Well, from a consumer standpoint, trust me, it's a better idea." I said, "Alright, well we've been doing this for 15 years and this has been the process we've found to work best." Then she goes, "Yeah, well I waited for 15 minutes and all I needed to do was check out." This, in fact, was a bold faced lie. She had me track a shoe for her, try the shoe on her son, and she made me listen to her whine the whole time. She also waited about 4 minutes. Then I said, "Well, I apologize for the wait, but this way each person gets the time they need from each fitting specialist. Everyone here is treated equally." Then of course she had to be the last one to say something, I don't remember what she said, something about her being right again, and I responded, "HA. Alright."

It was kind of like the conversation from Bridesmaids when Kristen Wigg says she doesn't think people change, and then the crazy maid of honor says "Well, I think they change." Kristen says, "We don't change, we just grow." Crazy bridesmaid says, "No. We change. And we grow." And it goes on and on. I don't know. I just don't take condescending talk well. Especially from a short little lady telling me how to run my store. Go walk all over your husband and control you kid's lives, psycho. If I was her kid, I'd run away and start doing drugs.

Oh, this lady also told me that the employees at our Lake St. Louis store were all dumb. "They only hire dumb people out there." I said, "Actually, that store is a part of our company and I know the people working out there. They aren't dumb. I'm sorry your experience wasn't to your liking when you went there though." She responded, "No. They're dumb."

Tomorrow is a new day. I'll be chipper as a bear when I wake up, I'm sure.

Backyard sun

Hi. I'm blogging from my phone. Charlotte is rolling around at my feet. I'm getting some color on my skin. Bugs are crawling on me. Birds are chirping like crazy. It's a nice day. Two days off in a row makes me feel like a spoilt little shit. I love it.

I'm drinking the Starbucks blonde roast again. I probably won't purchase a coffee again for a while. Buying Starbucks is just what I do when I have nothing to do but lay out in the back yard. A hammock would be nice.

I've done a lot of yoga in the last 3 days. Mentally preparing myself for the next week of retail hell that is known as the Anniversary Sale.

I just talked to my mom on the phone. I miss home. My brother is going back to NY today. I'd like him to come live with us for a month. It's been discussed and probably won't happen, but I love him and think it would be cool.

I've realized lately that my managing style is kind of like my dad, which is probably why I drive some people insane. We'll be insanely busy and the stockroom is a mess and everyone is stressed, and I'm like chill out, what's the big deal, sell some shoes. And I know that bothers people, so I should be more empathetic but I cannot be sucked into their cesspool of stress and negativity. Otherwise I can't function.

I just drank a winged bug in my coffee. The morning sun is so intense. I just smacked a wasp with my phone. This is a great Wednesday.

Peace.

He is making all things new.

Manda, thanks for your sympathy.

Actually, something hit me this morning. I'm not trying to go all Polly Anna on you, but there are much worse things than bunions and much worse things than being under-appreciated as a boss. There is always something that could be better, but it could also be worse. While I can't ignore the brokenness of the world, I know that God shows himself in so many ways... but I keep letting the broken stuff cover up the whole stuff.

So, I couldn't help but wake up this morning and just be so thankful to sleep in, go to yoga, spend time with my friend Allison, drink coffee, have a nice poop from the coffee, and be in the sunshine.

This morning my old Pastor Ricky Jones posted this on his facebook: Jesus does not love the ideal me, who lives in my expectations. He loves the real me, the one I am daily disappointed by. #grace


I thought, "Thank you. I needed that." I always think to myself, "When I balance my life and I find peace everywhere, and I can do the splits and I only eat raw food and I'm not addicted to coffee and Tyler and I are absolutely disgustingly in love and my house is clean and adorable, and I talk to God constantly, then things will be right."But that's not the me that Jesus wants. He wants the me that knows I can't find that peace without Him. 


And then I realized that I can ask Him to make my bunions not hurt, and maybe in asking Him that they may not go away and they may get worse and my eyes will be opened to my pettiness and the Goodness of God. Because He's not just good when He does what I think I need. He's good always. 


And also, I have it so good. It's crazy the way I make things so big and terrible in my head. I have thought within the last few days how if things were a little harder for me at least I would be forced to have faith that God knows what He's doing. I started reading a book called "Girl Soldier." I'm not too far in, but I have a feeling it's going to rip my heart out. I remember once a former Pastor at Refuge preached about storing up things in heaven, rather than hoarding on earth (I'm a hoarder) and I cried like convulsing sobs the entire service. I need my bubble to burst. So what my body is falling apart, and being a leader at work is scary and forces me to be vulnerable. God is good and I have so much to be thankful for. 


So here's the new thankful Shannon, at least for today... until something goes wrong and I think my life is going to shit... and then I'll need someone to remind me to look at this huge world, full of good and bad, and be overcome with gratefulness that I have a Pursuer that is making all things new. Thank you, God.


Yowza. Gonna go read that book and soak up some sunshine...


The Food Blog that I didn't delete... new post.

My woes

Work.

Bunions.

I just ate a bratwurst.

I feel guilty for having a day off tomorrow.

I need to go to a Chiropractor for my dang hips.

I need someone to give me a cure for bunions. They hurt.

I just realized I need to go into work tomorrow.

I'm going to eat another bratwurst.

Gotta get down on Friday.

I slept in until 7:30 this morning. Tyler took his truck to get it worked on and ran back 3 point something miles. Good for him. I ate Mexican food last night and I'm regretting it today. Going for a run is the last thing I want to do, plus I'd probably poop my pants.

After dinner with the Shead's last night, Allison and I watched Breaking Dawn part 1. I hadn't seen it yet. It's pretty awful, but of course I still needed to watch it. They could have wrapped that movie up in about a half hour and it would have been way cooler, plus they wouldn't have to make a part 2. Oh well. Every few minutes, Allison and I would start chuckling to ourselves and look at each other and laugh.

Tyler took me to breakfast in the city this morning. Going into St. Louis is so weird, because we hardly ever drive out that way. Anyway. I felt like I was on vacation for an hour and a half.

A couple hundred bucks to fix Tyler's truck this morning, a couple hundred bucks for a new washer (the repair man was nice enough to start a load of laundry for us before he told us we needed a new washer. thanks? like, he literally grabbed a dirty load off the floor and put it in the washer). I decided to go to an antique store and spend 13 dollars on a cute wooden crate that was painted a light green. It's for our recycling. If it's going to sit in the kitchen for a few days at least it'll look cute.

Tyler and I talked about moving to Tulsa, the area Jenny and Spencer live. We love it out there. Maybe we'd buy a lot and have dad design/build us a totally bad ass house, with high ceilings and book shelf stairs. A screened in porch for the dogs. A kitchen/living room to entertain people in. A few extra rooms so Zach and come live with us, and so our kids don't have to sleep between a desk and an airdyne bike. It's fun thinking about that stuff, but the time isn't here yet.

Maybe I'll have a room where I can teach yoga. I'll invite everyone I know. We'll do yoga, and drink tea afterwards.

This weekend is Lauren's bachelorette party. We're going to build a fire, drink margaritas, and eat chips and queso.

I'm off all day today and tomorrow! Besides my staff meeting. Not sure what I'll do. I need to get rid of some clothing. Oh! I used the gift card Zach got me and purchased a bathing suit from Patagonia. It's cute and was on sale. I haven't purchased a bathing suit in 5 years. Can't wait for the 4th of July.

Alright, 2 more things. I need a place to store all of my photos on iPhoto for when this computer crashes. I have 10,725 photos. Ideas? The way my blog is set up, it archives. I wish iPhoto would do that.

Also, that time a few weeks ago when I was sick and I woke up to my hip hurting very badly... that's been happening about every other night. I don't know what to do. It's the same hip, and it's like my hip/butt cheek muscle. It's frustrating and it hurts to walk.

Alright. Time to get'r done. Peace.

Hi.

I had my Dr. appointment today. I'm just lumpy.

I held my coffee pee all morning because I thought I'd have to pee in a cup. I didn't have to pee in a cup, so I was just uncomfortable for the heck of it.

I was thinking about the future today. We started dreaming out loud at work (a couple of us girls), and then right after I had a a woman ask me what I wanted to do in the future. She was nice. It was like she thought, "I like you. Please don't just sell shoes forever." I appreciate that. I told her I was enjoying managing the store, but that I'd like to have children and then own a business.

Also, this weather has gotten me all excited. I redid our living room last night and threw some bright colors around. This morning Tyler wasn't too thrilled to find the clementines in a bowl on the living room table. They're nice and bright though.

That's it. One more day of work, then I can plant my garden with no baby on my hip.

Let's get rich and build our house on a mountain, making everybody look like ants

I missed yoga today. I'm bordering slight depression right now (exaggeration... I'm just feeling really apathetic and cynical). Today I was balancing being a calm, responsible adult while my staff and I figured out our new system at work. Stay and help them all night? Let them know that someone is there who can "fix" all of their mistakes? It's scary dealing with people's credit cards (switching Point of Sale systems is like switching languages... oh, I exaggerate again). I did stay rather than go to yoga. I was going to work out, but I applied to Yoga Teacher Training instead. It's legit now, just needs to go in the mail. Right now I'm icing my bunions and Charlotte is licking the ice bag. 

I'm tired of being tired and running late. When I run late and miss yoga, it's like... well, guess I'll blog and ice my bunions. What else can I do? But I guess being tired and running late make you appreciate being well rested and on time. 

We're talking about heaven tomorrow morning at Bible study. I think that will help me. 

I told someone today that I was home and tired and dreaming about gardening with a baby on my hip. I know, you hate me and I need to stop dreaming like the future will be magic and I have it horribly now. I have a good life. It's just hectic right now. 

All the windows are open and it's dark and Charlotte and I are waiting for the rain and for Tyler to get home from class. I think I need to read a book or something. When I came home from OK, I took the stockings off my living room wall (they don't look Christmasy, ok) and de-cluttered a bit. Tomorrow is the first day of Spring after all. Quoting Lisa the street woman after asking me for a cigarette and me replying no and that I do not smoke... "Well... Spring is in the air!" 

I need to get things into perspective. I have a good life. I am happy. I'm just tired. And stressed. And sinful. 

Ange and Bob's Wedding

Well, home again... once again.

Ange's wedding was awesome. She was so gorgeous. So gorgeous she couldn't even believe it. I showed her a picture I took of her and she said, "Man! I didn't know I looked that pretty!"

Manda and I sang. Thankfully I shoved my emotions down for 2 minutes to sing, but that's about as long as I could do it. I found myself, even at the reception, trying not to cry. I even cried when I walked down the aisle when the wedding was over. I hugged Ange, started to cry more... so I went to the bathroom to calm myself. Then the bathroom door fell off. It was a big wooden door. So I'm actually balling at this point, stuck in the bathroom stall with a large wooden door wedged between me and the rest of the world, I'm lightly yelling "Alyson... Alyson...." but she couldn't hear me. Joanna came to the rescue. Walks in the bathroom, sees me crying with the door off it's hinges. She was confused.

Anyway, it's funny that I yelled for Alyson out of all the people in the bride's room. It's like I felt these little girl emotions. Like, "You can't take my sister," emotions. Which are selfish. Anyway, I reverted to the 7-year-old me, where I always yelled for Alyson when I couldn't paint my toes or braid my hair right, or when big wooden doors fall off their hinges.

Amanda gave the sweetest speech ever at the reception. She was worried about it, but truly, best wedding speech ever.

Ange and Bob got picked by a helicopter. It was slightly scary and I think everyone thought about how badly the wedding could have ended... everyone decapitated on a pretty deck. It didn't happen, it was awesome. Most everyone left except the wedding party and family when Ange and Bob flew away, and then they got dropped back off after their helicopter ride. Then it hit my that no one was stealing my sister and she was back and I could still text her even though she's married.

I felt the same way at Amanda and Alyson's weddings. I remember cleaning up each table at the reception and then laying on the pile of tablecloths trying not to cry. I felt empty the next day, but I was also 14 and 15 at the time.

I'm so tired. I have to be at work early tomorrow because we're switching to a new Point of Sale system. Truly, I don't really know how to use it yet. I know the basics, but the boss is supposed to know everything. So I need to get there early to get everything set up. I gave myself this Friday and Saturday off. I never do that just for the heck of it. But the next few weeks are going to be brutal at work, so I'm glad I did it. Tyler and I are going to plant our garden on Friday. He's taking the day off and we're going to Roosters in St. Louis for brunch. It'll be awesome.

Goodnight.

"I was afraid I'd eat your brains, cause I'm evil."

Apparently I have some kind of virus. I started to feel sick 3 days ago. I went into work a couple hours on my day off and really felt gross. Came home and laid around all day. But this is what always happens to me when I get a sore throat - I can't lay down because it feels like my throat is full when I do (I always say that there's a boiled egg stuck in my throat). I start to salivate and dry heave, but I usually just sit up as fast as possible and the problem goes away (but sleeping sitting up sucks). Last night was the pits. Our headboard won't really allow me to prop myself up, so around 10:30 I went to the couch. If Tyler had known, he would have been upset. He just can't handle me sleeping in the other room. And he's sweet.

Anyway, I went to the couch. When I was done talking to everyone on Facebook about my symptoms, and no one else would play me in Words With Friends, I tried to sleep. I took NyQuil. It took forever, but eventually it happened. When I woke up at 5:30 am, I couldn't move my left leg. It hurt so bad. My left hip was like... just excruciating pain. I tried to lay in a comfy position, but I couldn't find one. I'm a baby, but I nearly cried... more out of panic though. I forced myself to get up and limp to bed so Tyler could agree with me that it was really weird. It took me forever to find a position where it wasn't awful, and I finally found a position that was only kind of awful. Charlotte leaned against me and would stare at me when I moaned. Yes, I moaned. I thought the virus was eating my bones.

I took some ibuprofen. When I woke up 3 hours later, it was only a little painful. Like someone punched me in the hip yesterday and I'm sore from it. I need you to understand, it wasn't like when you sit on your hand for too long and your wrist hurts for 17 seconds. This was like, there is something in my hip hurting me at this very second. Tyler asked to take me to the ER, but that felt silly. You only go there if you're bleeding profusely or your heart stops.

Anyway, I know people who think that before Jesus comes back we'll all be zombies, hence the title of this post (which is from a song). Here's to hoping I don't become a zombie.

I curled my hair yesterday. It looks pretty. Then Charlotte chewed the plug off of my curling iron. She loves plugs. I went to throw it away, but Tyler was sad because he likes my curled hair. He said I couldn't buy another curling iron, but that I had to go to some magical store and buy a plug and weld them back together. Does anyone see how ridiculous that it?

I hate feeling helpless. There is a small part of me that likes sitting in bed, but the rest of me feels bad for not being at work. I'm not just controlling, they do need me. And I'm controlling.

Amanda, thanks for your comment on my last post. I laughed and cried.

It must be that time of month again when I feel like I'm the worst person in the whole world.

Ange and I used to do this thing where if we messed something up, like dripped water on the counter or forgot to bring a ponytail holder with us somewhere, we'd say "Uh! I'm the worst!" and then laugh.

Well. I'm not laughing. I am just second guessing myself all the time, whether it's going to Yoga Teacher Training, bringing out a shoe size, eating a cookie. I just feel like the The Worst.

I ate a ton of broccoli yesterday. Mistake.

Charlotte is the sweetest. She loves this weather. She went to the front door this morning and kept tapping her nose on the door knob. I opened the door. Now she's happy. She also ran around the back yard like a race horse... with a tarp in her mouth. So cute.

I get to go home in a week. Ah. Not looking forward to the drive, but it'll be great.

Oh. I dreamed last night that my sisters, mom, and I were in the living room at my parent's house. The piano we had there was demonic, so we put in on the landing of the stairs to get it away from us(?). As we hung out, I kept floating up into the air and the piano would start playing. Alyson yelled at me to stop letting the demon do that to me. She was mad, and I felt so evil. What the heck is wrong with me. It wasn't scary, I just felt like the worst for being weak enough to let the demon get to me. Analyze away.

Time for a shower and a nap... and then work. Tomorrow is my fake day off. I still have to go in, but I have most of the day off.

do yourself a favor and listen to this

and this

Hi. I'm so freaking tired.

I slept for a couple hours yesterday and ten hours last night. Trying to catch up from the weekend, but I couldn't stop writing my toast for Ange's wedding while I laid in bed... and my toast for Lauren's wedding... and when I finally fell asleep, I dreamed that I had to sneak poison brownies to all my friends and when they were all sick and puking from the poison I had to tell them they had been poisoned and unless they followed me they would all die. This higher evil being was making me do these things, and there was a big dark mansion and a swamp (kind of like Day of the Tentacle, but more realistic). I even poisoned Tyler, but I tried to tell him not to eat the brownies. He loves sweets though, and it'll be the death of him. I think it's because we had brownies after dinner.

This will seem abrupt. I found a lump in my chest. In my head it's like a scare... like when you think you're pregnant and you're totally not. Well, it could just be a swollen lymph node (I actually don't know anything about that, but I would imagine it could be a possibility)... but it could also be more. I made an appointment at the Dr, and that made it more real. But, it's nothing until it's something. So it's nothing.

I need to go to Sam's and Aldi. All I wanted today was some broccoli. Anything green. Not sure how to say this tactfully, but if you're shit is brown then you're not eating enough greens. At least, that's what I think. This is my sign that I need some salad.

I hate the grocery store. I'm terrible at shopping for deals, and it makes me sweat. Can't imagine doing it with a kid.

Tonight I'm going to apply to the Yoga Teacher Training program.

The end.

It's Sunday morning. Our friends Dustin and Lacy came to stay with us for the weekend so they could go to our friend's wedding (the one I was in). We were just at their house last weekend.

Friday night we stayed up late and went to Trailhead. Saturday morning the wedding extravaganza began. at 11. The wedding was at 2pm, the reception at 7pm. What a long day.

My dress was short, but cute. But short. I was kind of insecure about that all day, and I wore my volleyball spandex under it.

I'm trying to work on my face and my walk. Apparently I look un-enthused and I waddle/stomp. After a long day, we waited to go into the reception as a wedding party. Half the party was drunk, and I felt like the unfun bridesmaid when the drunk groomsman said to me with slurred speech, "Hunneee.... you need ta cheer up." I said, "Oh, man. I'm good. Don't you worry about me. I'm good." The bridesmaids, whom I love, were also a little silly. When it was my turn to walk in, alone (I walked with Tyler in the wedding), people said I looked like I was on a mission, that I walked fast, didn't make eye contact with anyone except Tyler as I walked toward him, and looked uncomfortable (I was smiling though). All of that was true. But then the mixture of being exhausted and slightly annoyed and someone asking me why I waddled in just made me start balling.

I was talking to Lauren and I said, "Just so you know, I feel like balling." Then I did. I hadn't drank any alcohol or really eaten food all day, because it didn't sound good. Once I cried and had some whiskey, I was ok.

I think that I just hate being misunderstood. I know that I do. It's like being wrongfully accused. No, I don't hate life, I just don't want to act like I love being the center of attention for 10 seconds in a room full of strangers when I definitely do not.

Anyway, I just ate a cupcake for breakfast. Also, all night I dreamed that I had to find and account for all of the drinks poured at the wedding (open bar). Stressful, and nearly impossible.

Amanda (the bride) looked stunning. I'm thankful to have had the opportunity to be a part of her wedding. I am way pumped about Ange's wedding in 2 weeks, and Lauren's wedding in a month. Tyler said after this summer we will graciously decline any invitation to be in someone's wedding :)


So, this is the end of the story.